Teenage daughter

[marlboroughmum1]

Our soon to be 15 year old daughter who is well behaved at school etc and does do jobs when we ask etc. However, she never wants to spend time with us and is constantly walking out of rooms when we walk in. We have come to dread the holidays as I work from home and she just spends all her time in the house. She doesn't seem to meet up with her friends or anything and often goes days without going outside. This is despite having a good lot of mates at school, she just doesn't bother with them when she is not in school. She has a huge temper and has just cancelled her birthday party on friday mostly to spite us I think. Is this normal, what can we do??

Presumably she spends lots of time texting, phoning & face booking her friends whilst hidden away from your company? What do they talk about?

My DD also prefers to spend time alone when at home, and I think this is perfectly normal - however she does not avoid us. She is also very picky about meeting up with friends and does sometimes spend a few days at home - but if the right things come up - she's out like a shot. I do believe teenagers are hard wired to want to socialise - so I would wonder if there's something else going on, (but getting her to admit it might be difficult)

I don't understand how cancelling her party could hurt anyone but her?

We have always made a big thing of birthday parties, made her cakes, decorated the house etc. We lived abroad for 6 years and moved back last year. She has settled into school very well and has finally admitted she likes it better than her last beloved school abroad. I think she thinks by cancelling her party she is depriving me of the pleasure of putting it together and also casting herself as a victim and has sent a text to her friends saying the party is no longer allowed (untrue)
I have no idea what she talks to her friends on Facebook, text etc about as she has a code on her phone so I can't get into it.

My dd1 was very unsociable as a teenager, only to go totally mad when she hit 18 - out every single night.

If I were you, I would let her get on with it and not take it too much to heart. Let her cancel her party - it saves you a lot of trouble and expense. She will grow out of it, if she is a well rounded normal teenager. My dd2 was an absolute nightmare for a while when she was 15/16, but is definitely coming out the other side. Don't make an issue of things and don't read her text messages - seriously bad idea. Give her some space and let her ruin her own fun.

I agree there's not much you can do if she won't tell you. This is the age when they like to do things their way, - is there any possibility that your plans for her were "uncool" and she'd rather cancel the party than be considered a bit of a dork by her peers.

If we think munsnet can be a bit judgey, we've got nothing on teenage girls.

I remember going into a real sulk with my mum when I was a teenager over a pair of shoes. The ones I really wanted (what all the others were wearing) were too expensive for my mum (although she was offering to buy them for me). so I chose a cheaper pair and went into a mood and would'nt talk to anyone. I don't know why but I just couldn't tell my mum.

Trying to fit in can be a real chore, and the family often take the brunt of it.

I agree with the other poster about snooping, if you want to know whats going on in her head - just keep talking to her. Try chatting about the funny things going on around you - get her talking about something that she cares about. But remember their ideas are very half formed at this age - so don't correct or turn it into an educational lesson.

I find with my DD, that if she has a moan about something/someone ie. at school, and I start telling her how she should deal with it, or why someone might be behaving like a prat - then that will be the kiss of death to the conversation.

I went through a phase as a teenager where I couldn't bare the thought of having to spend time with my parents I think it lasted a good few years . When I look back it must have been quite upsetting for them but they never showed it and they jut let me get on with it which I think was for the best . I came back to them when I was ready . And now my mum can't get rid of me !!

She sounds quite sociable, just wants to shut YOU out of her social life!
I want to say let her take control & cancel, but depends if you're out of pocket for the planned party? I'd be narked in that case.

And find a way onto her FB. IMO, it should be open for you to look at whenever you want.

Oh I feel so so much better reading your post and all the answers, I am sitting here near to tears after yet ANOTHER massive blow up with daughter 3 (presently in her room)who is also 14 going on 15 and very unreasonable..aggressive, explosive rages, never has friends round (other than boyfriend), seemstot spend a lot of time on her own, is often sarcastic with us (can I just say her sisters were NOT like this..and they weren't angels but she is my nemisis..just awful)) and not family orientated at all. She makes us all unhappy with her moods and rages and is so self centred. All she wants to do is spend time with boyfriend..which I understand but she is obsessed. The latest is because her sister has to get a flat quickly and we are going up to Leeds tomorrow to look..and she doesn't want to come.

Re the pary cancellation..made me smile cos daughter 3 wanted to meet up with boyfriend today but cos she could only meet up til around 3pm due to us having planned other stuff she refused to meet him, sayin it wasn't worth it. Now she's having a fit cos she can't see him tomorrow. She is tearing us apart as a family and a couple, to the extent that I feel it would be easier to be lazy and just say, off you go, do what you want, sort yourself out,don't be with us at all and I will get on with my OWN life and not pick up after you, sort out your problems, taxi you about or pay for all your activities. Her sisters find it difficult to be at home at times cos we are walkking on egg shells half the time with her.

Grrrrrr! Roll on adult hood, if we survive....

We do survive!! I had a nightmare step daughter. I married her dad when she was 9 and she spent a lot of time with us till she was 15 and chose to move in with us totally. OMG, she was a total nightmare!! Really came close to me having a breakdown! She moved out at 17 and it was a relief!! She is now an adorable 28 year old with her own children and we are close!
Next came my own teen, she moved out and into her dads at 14. She had been a nightmare but not having to do the 'get up/tidy your room/do your homework' made a great deal of difference and we are very close now! she is 17.
I have a 6 yr old mini me-dreading her teen years but I am confident we will survive! So will you!!Leave the party cancelled, as that is what she wants! Let her be unsociable, but make it clear you are there if she needs you! Good luck!

Well thanks everyone for all the advice and the hope that we will all come out the other side. For anyone who is interested, she re-arranged her party so that past by without incidence really, except the boyfriend was ill and couldn't come.
Having come back from a few days away with work, she is back to her rather bitter self and very pointedly went to bed without acknowledging me and giving her father a kiss.
I think it's the bitterness which upsets me the most. I remember being a rebellious teenager, prone to sulking but I don't remember hating my Mum. She has become very weight conscious and I often wonder if I was a size 10 if she would be different toward me. It's hard to know. It's so weird when she was such an easy child, happy and was always called smiler by her teachers. I remember someone warning me that great kids got their own back in the teenage years, looks like they were right unfortunately.

Febel -- that doesn't sound normal or healthy at all.

How does the boyfriend treat her?
Does she have any girl friends or is she socially isolated?
What was she like before the bf?

Marlboroughmum -- the weight consciousness comment rings an alarm bell. Does she visit anorexia or dieting sites on the computer? Do you notice any anxiety associated with food?

Marlbro, I have a theory that I find slightly consoling: the closer they feel to you, the harder they have to fight and the more horrible they have to be, to 'break free' and become independent...

Thanks Marlbro for that thought. As to the food thing I am fully aware of what is going on in her life as regards that. She is aware what she is eating but not in an extreme way. As to the boyfriend, he is fine and they only really seem to see each other within a group of mutual friends. She has lots of friends at school and has sleepovers here and at their houses so all normal in that respect. It's probably just the usual teenage stuff and I am taking it rather personally as I never imagined it being like this.