Teenage daughters driving me mad

[Creany172]

I have been out most of the day leaving my 19 year old and two 14 year old daughters at home. They had been told before I left that they had to tidy their rooms. Whilst I was out I had a message from the 14 year olds, could 2 of their friends sleepover? I said only if they had tidied their rooms properly, i.e. not just shoving things under the beds and in cupboards. They had to put things away properly, sweep the floors and dust/polish the furniture. They asked me to stay out a bit longer so they had time to do it. Then I received a message from one of them that their friends were not able to stay anyway so they were not going to do their rooms until tomorrow. I was furious. They had all afternoon to do them and they were supposed to do them regardless of whether their friends could stay or not. After a few very rude messages from them I returned home, went straight to their rooms and took their tv's and laptops. I told them they would not get them back until they had done their rooms as agreed earlier. One of them is doing hers, but she has thrown rubbish and dirty clothes down the stairs and is now refusing to tidy that up properly saying the deal was to tidy her room and that is now tidy! The other one is refusing point blank to do hers at all and has sent me some extremely disgusting messages calling me all sorts of terrible things.

What should I do next. I am so angry. If I'm honest there is a part of me that just wants to go into her room and smack her so hard (I'm not going to) but that is how angry I am. I don't know what to do. They just defy me constantly and nothing I do seems to make them do as they are requested. They just laugh in my face. I'm at a loss.

The 19 year old has sorted her room out and gone out 'cos she doesn't want to be here to hear all the arguing.

Deep breath. Okay, lots of deep breaths.
I think it's foolhardy to tell them to do something & not stand over them to see it done; foolhardy to expect it done in your absence; I would not have agreed to sleepover even in principle until I saw the rooms were done. Because it would be an obvious thing they'd weasel out of if at all possible.

As long as you feel you have the right to boss them around then you must think they need your guidance (even at 19? ) to live appropriately; ergo, you stand over them to see it's done (for some things, like tidy room).

If tidy room is that important then I think you need to check it very regularly, like daily or at least weekly. I presume you haven't let it slide & slide only to suddenly make a huge fuss today.

When everyone has calmed down I would insist that any hall rubbish is tidied up by relevant culprits. Before they get the slightest hint of any other privileges.

They didn't used to be like this. They have reached teenage years and all hell has broke loose. I had some problems with the 19 year old when she was their age, but nothing like I experience from them. She has never, ever sworn at me and even wouldn't now, but these two. OMG the language that comes from their mouths is disgusting! Sometimes we just seem to reach an impase, like now, and I just don't know what my next move should be. I've left them alone for the last 45 minutes for all of us to calm down, but I honestly don't know what to do next.

By the way, 19 year old kind of shares a room with me, (largest room partitioned), so I do feel like I have the right to insist she tidies her room, when I have to climb over her rubbish to get to mine. But on the whole she isn't the problem anyway.

Problem is they outnumber you :).

I think the standard advice is find their currency, be it lifts or privileges or money or whatever, something will motivate them, and leverage as needed. Although listening is always better if it works.

I think any battle lines drawn need to be very consistent, that's why I said the tidy room thing needs to be very routine, else it's not worth the stress.

I am in the camp that lets rooms become tips, I have other battles to fight.

The problem is, I think, that I also choose other battles most of the time. But when the mess starts to spill out into the hallway, that's when I say something must be done. The thing is this time they said they were going to do it. That's what's annoyed me most. Also they actually really like their rooms when they are tidy, they just can't be bothered to do it themselves.

You need Custy :).

Well you could try what my mum did: say that anything still on the floor by will be put in bin bags and put out for the dustmen.

Following on from this tradition I once took my lodger's diving gear out onto the patio and started to set fire to it...as I had said I would when he had left it in the hall for 3 weeks. He thought I was joking, I wasn't.
Never seen a man sprint upstairs with a full dive bag so quickly.

Just make sure that any threat is followed through calmly and obviously.

As for the swearing, well I wouldn't cook or clean or do laundry for someone who spoke to me like that.

I feel your pain!!!! Just have a glass of wine for now..... Maybe you should show them this thread?

My 14 yr old daughter is exactly the same... She leaves her clothes on the floor, I now just leave it til she has none. She won't get up in the morning, I have let her get several detentions. I think the message is very slowly starting to sink in....
I tried all the ultimatums, threats, screaming etc, but it was just too much for me and my other 9 yr old, if she wants to be a slob and have no clean clothes and can't find anything in her room, then so be it...

Actually, have two glasses of wine and a big hug!! xxx

Is there a way for next time to keep their room tidy?

Not enforce it, of course, but I am naturally someone who - especially when busy!/in a rush - throws things everywhere. My saving has been organising things into different boxes/drawers (Hair stuff, make-up, stationary, exercise stuff, wires/ipods box etc and a laundry bag seperated into dark/colour/lights). I can literally just chuck things in the correct box/drawer/shelf/hook/hat stand and boom the room stays tidy. It's also much easier to tidy if it ever does get messy.

Maybe, next time try doing the rooms with the girls, put some music on, dance around, make it fun. Remind them it doesn't have to be the most boring chore in the world! I definately think that if you asked it, they should have done it, but maybe by putting the organisation in place it would help? Also though, I think giving them the say would be a key thing to do. Don't fight what you don't have to, just go up to them when they're in as gooder mood as they will be in and say "Hey, it didn't go so well the other day with tidying. Next time will you choose a day you want to do it and we'll do it that way?" If they decide when to do it they can choose a day they know they're free.

My mum used to give us a warning, then would go in to our rooms while we were out, and put everything on the floor into a bin liner. We would get it all back after a month or could pay £1 per item before this. Worth a shot!

Just to update you all. Last night I was worn out with the fighting so just left it. This morning I waited for them to be up and about and continued to insist that the rooms were tidied and that all the things thrown into the hallway were cleared away. Again the rowing commenced. I took their mobile phones from them - much to their disgust! Again I had the name calling and swearing, but I stood my ground. Eventually because they realised that I was not going to give in. They started to tidy up! Eventually they had done enough that I felt able to help them finish. They now have TV's, DVD players, set-top boxes, laptops and phones back and all rooms are sparkling clean. They are both happily enjoying their clean rooms and I now have a mountain of washing to get through! - Peace reigns until the next battle commences!!