DD walked out

[teapot5]

I know I sound the worst ever mother in the world. I hate my DD but worry about her. I am worried sick that she is hanging around with guys much older than her, staying the night somewhere so often. She was such a sensible and hard working girl. Now I don't recognise her. She is so vulnable, can't see any senses, self-centred, verbally and (sometimes) physically abusive. I don't know what to do. Her behaviour is almost breaking up the family. Every time we are recovering from any incident something comes up. I'm fed up, desparate, feeling nobody can help, and she is going downhill. To be honest I'm relieved when she is not around because all she dose here is to create bad atmosphere, but at the same time I can't stop thinking where the hell and who is she with? I don't want to sound rude, but I'm not looking for any 'normal' advice nor pity. Any decipline issue/sanctions/consequences etc.. they are all too late and nothing works for us. She is so messed up, and I feel I'm as well now.

Ok, how old is she?

she is 17.

:(
I think some of them fight really hard to be their own person and make their own mistakes. I have had a dreadful 5 months fighting with my son, with him behaving outrageously - stealing from me, lying, smashing things up, verbal and sometimes physical violence... And with me fighting totally unsuccessfully to try to keep him 'on track', going to college, behaving reasonably, doing chores, coming home for tea and at night, etc... Then last week I decided I hadn't got the energy for it (just now/any more?) and I backed right off - I haven't tried to make him do anything at all... And he has been about 100 times better. No rudeness, he's come home every night, and there have been some amazing incidents - like he got up and started vac-ing at 7:45am on Thurs cos he wanted a fiver... And last night he spontaneously texted me to tell me where he was, probably for the first time ever.

It's like he felt 'trapped' by my worry and concern and attempts to get him to 'see sense' and 'behave', and so fought and fought to pull away... And now I've backed off completely, he feels less trapped... Or something... I don't really understand, but I do know that the more I engaged with him, the worse he was...

One of the most useful things anyone has ever said to me about living with a difficult teen was this... Challenging teenagers are like hurricanes. When a hurricane starts, you don't think "How can I stop it?", you think "How can I survive?"! You put on your hard hat, or hide under the table, or batten down the hatches or whatever you need to do to keep safe, and wait for it to pass... You look after yourself not the hurricane!

It's really really hard to do that as a parent, because all your training is to look after them; but they get to a certain point where you can't any more and they don't want you to anyway... And I think maybe parents like us now need to re-learn how to look after ourselves better :)

Everyone with teens like this says they turn out OK(ish) once they have passed through this stage and grown up a bit... :)

Oh,Flow4,thank you for your kind reply. I thought I was doing so well these days - backing off (because from LOADS of bitter experiences I learnt that this is the best approach), trying to concentrate something positive, looking after myself. BUT a few days ago some new information about her (people mean well and I apprecite that) which I didn't really want to know reached me, and it really upset me. DD has been demanding, abusive (to us) and not mentally stable. There are people out there who can see her vulnability and take an advantage of her. But she just doesn't see my point.

I really thought I was getting so much better about dealing with her lately, so the way it turned out today really got me down. I feel all my effort in recent weeks went for nothing and put her in a even more troublesome situation.

I really appreciate you took your time to write and I'm touched. I was feeling so lonely and miserable. What you said about hurricane (how to survive rather than how to stop it) is really useful. I just feel so crap at the moment that I couldn't do that today. Even I knew I couldn't not reason her, I couldn't help lecturing her which completely backfired, and worse, I lost it. I felt so down thinking how long is this going to continue? I just wanted to walk out, took out on my DH, saying silly things. Of course there is no solution, I can't change her, I've got to change how I think, act etc.... Then I felt trapped. I so don't want to go downward spiral.

:) You're welcome, teapot. I know how it feels when you get that lonely and miserable...

Obviously I don't actually know you, but I would still bet that you really and truly ARE doing well, generally, dealing with her and the whole situation :) One bad day does not, does NOT mean you are failing. It just means you're human, and you reached your limit - or rather very close to it, because you didn't actually walk out, even tho you wanted to :) Give yourself some credit for that... I know it doesn't feel like it now, but... You've put up with all this, and you feel as sh*t as you do, and you're STILL hanging on in there - which, frankly, is pretty bloody amazing!

Hope you can get some sleep :)

Fuck off GS1 I'm not bothered by the nn serious threads but you are really taking the piss tonight and I have now rreported your trip trap ways.

nn = not

Thanks again, flow4. You made me feel so much better. Yes, I will try to get some sleep in a minute.

It sounds really good that your DS is behaving nicely. I think deep down your DS and my DD (I want to think so) want to be a child being protected who still have that loveliness within. Yes, you are right that some teens have to fight really hard and it's so painful to watch as there are easier ways. I know a couple of people who used to be a complete nightmare to their parents who turned out really decent lovely people.

sorry teapot to hear of your troubles with your dd,but its given me some comfort concerning my 16 year old dd.she too has gone slightly off the rails,has an on off bf whos been in trouble with police,has nowhere stable to live no job and hes 19.she splits up with him and then stays out the night,just pleasing herself................. apparently she split up with him for good today,she came out with me and dh today for dinner then said she was meeting certain friends................i tried ringing her earlier to say not to ring me to pick her up later cause ive had a couple of drinks and she didnt answer but text to say she wasnt coming home again tonight...............told her she cant please herself but she thinks she can.i havnt a clue where she staying and i prob wont sleep AGAIN tonight.........she my dd and i do love her but like you i hate her at the moment for puting us through all this worry,dont know any answers to it or when and if it will end,just have to hope our dds come to their senses at some point soon.i symphasise with you fully.

I have friends with new babies and don't like to tell them that the sleepless nights they are having with them are nothing like the ones they will have when they are teens!
There is light at the end of the tunnel though. My DexSD was a complete and utter bitch nightmare as a teen and she lived with us. She is now a beautiful 28 year old mother of two and an awesome person. Even though me and her dad are no longer together, we are close. She has been no end of help in getting messages across to DD1. We have also had our issues and she stropped off and moved in with her Dad when she was 14. She is now 17 and the light is visible at the end of that tunnel. I am feeling rough today, she is not at college today, so she is helping me out by getting my DCs from school!
Anyway, DD2 is 6 and a mini me, very scared of her when she is a teen!! DS is 5, so I will go through it all again x2 this time!

You have posted wise words and support on my threads about my daughter who has been / is acting the same way. I'm not sure I can do the same for you as I am still struggling a bit myself. A friend used the aeroplane analogy of putting your own oxygen mask on before you tend to other people. Try and find a way of giving yourself a break, even if it is for a walk or a coffee, I found swimming was the only thing that turned my brain off and undid the knot of anxiety in my stomach. MaryZ spoke about disengaging from their behaviour and refusing to rise to their challenges, I am slowly learning that there is a limit to what a parents can be responsible for and what we can be expected to put up with. You don't have my pity, but you do have my support x

One of my nieces has done this, she's 15. Her father slapped her hard round the face the other day as she was violent against her mum :(

He didn't plan it, he didn't mean it, he won't apologise, they both dislike her so much these days and can't wait for her to move out :(

Breaks my heart... But I don't have to live with her, my dd is a challenge, but in such a different warm she moans and argues but doesn't steal, take drugs, go in pubs, hang out with awful boys and girls, tell her teachers to fuck themselves or assault other teachers...

Teenage girls (and boys) are so scary, there's so much exposure to all this bad behaviour, dressing like tarts, promiscuity n the tv, music videos, peer pressure

So sad for you, I hope you recover your relationship in years to come and this is all a distant dream (nightmare)

How's it going, teapot? How are you?

Hi there. Thanks for your posts and concerns. I haven't been here for some time. Things are still pretty bad. However like some of you (your wise and kind words in this and other threads helped me a lot) I feel I'm getting better at coping. Of course some days worse than other days and vice versa. I switch off sometimes which made her really angry. Some days I go for a walk, try to engage myself in something positive - no matter how small it is. Some days I cry when I'm alone. Worries and anxiety are still there and very close to a melt down (but not quite), but there are more calm moments. I don't know how to help my DD as she won't talk to us - she is clearly unhappy, angry, in trouble, resentful etc. . All I can do is to take step by step, and try to see 'real her'.

I completely sympathise. Having such a hard time with my own dd (18) for about four years. We have had our ups and downs, but I really find it hard to like her or to see any redeeming features. We have had fights etc. She does nothing to help around the house and is a horrible person. She does not have any really good friends, which just breaks my heart.

Came home from work today and guess what? she was lying in bed - this is a 5 pm on a blazing hot day. AAAAARRGGHH!

Keep the faith and look after yourself.

I have LOADS of 'AAAAARRGGAAHH!' moments. Some teens like my DD just don't see other people' point of view. It's frustrating and heartbreaking - there are more sustainable, effective and easier ways to get what they want. The thing is they don't know what they want. They are trapped in their unhappiness.

Yes my daughter definitely chooses the hardest path - which is then hard on all of us. She has just retaken her Maths and English - at 18! I am soooo over the whole GCSE thing. Everything is a drama, and all I want is a quiet life!