DS's verbal attacks on me getting me down

[WelshCerys]

After 2.30am and I can't sleep - in fact, been out for a few hours having endured yet another verbal attack from ds, 16. This time, was watching Question Time after a long and difficultish day at work, relaxing and very occasionally, letting out the odd word - 'I agree' - 'Oh no' - that sort of thing, as you do when you're relaxed and, finally, sitting down.

DS was at computer in same room - had headphones on so I thought it was listening to something on it. He shouted at me each time I said anything - and it was very occasional, quiet and certainly didn't upset DH. DS called out for me to stop talking - but he said loudly and aggressively.

Part of a long time of attacks - one thing after another - this must sound petty but it wasn't pleasant and in the context of DS regularly criticising me - picking arguments. I don't feel it's home anymore. DH knows I'm miserable about this - that I feel that I'm walking on egg shells as far as DS is concerned. But does precious little - certainly no sanctions are imposed, ever. Went so far today as to say to DH that it felt like domestic abuse - the constant fear of being told off, got at, ignored, treated like s...t - and by a 16 year old.

Exams aren't going all that well - he's putting in little effort but he has my constant support, concern, interest. Just now, though, wondering if I shouldn't take a massive back seat and preserve what sanity I've got left by giving him a wide berth.

Siblings are older - a serious issue with one of them (this youngest DS was given a hard time by him) and not at home. I've no family to speak of and no close friends nearby. No refuge and tonight I felt like walking straight into a safe, warm haven.

Any thoughts, suggestions would be welcome. Very weary and sad - thanks.

It sounds really awful Cerys. And the situation isn't helped by a lack of support from DH.

You and DH need to be consistent on this so you need to sit down and decide with DH what is and isn't acceptable behaviour from DS.

Don't engage with DS when he is rude or disrespectful. Ignore him. Treat him like a grown up when he behaves like one.

Make sure you have a quiet place to relax in the evening and that DS has somewhere he can go to work or relax. Can the computer go in a different room to the tv? Can you put a tv in your bedroom?

It is domestic abuse. I think it's much more common than you might think, for kids to go through a patch of bullying their mums (perhaps also sometimes their dads) when they grow bigger and taller than them. My son did it, and it started to become physical as well as verbal, until finally he crossed a line and I had him arrested. It has calmed down now, tho' the verbal nastiness hasn't stopped completely.

I know personally of half a dozen other mums who have been through this. People don't say, usually - it's taboo, and I personally felt ashamed - but once I stopped keeping it a secret, other people told me about their experiences too.

It's hard enough to deal with, as a single parent with no back-up; but when you have a partner and still don't get back-up, it must be hard in a different way, and hurtful too :(

Here are some things that have helped me; maybe they'll work for you too:

• Do not tolerate physical violence; call 999 if he ever crosses that line.
• Say something like "Please speak politely to me" or "Please don't be rude" each and every time he is. It made me feel better not to be a doormat, AND it meant I was still giving him a 'moral message' even if I couldn't actually stop him from being rude.
• Do more nice, positive things for yourself. I found I got less upset by his nastiness if I had other nice things and people in my day to 'compensate'.
• Maryz advises distancing yourself emotionally and treating them like 'an annoying lodger'. I think this is excellent advice, tho' I'm not (yet?) very good at following it!
• At a calm moment (i.e. not when it's happening or just after), tell your son how unpleasant his behaviour is. Mine didn't seem to realise, and the words that finally seemed to make the penny drop were "You wouldn't treat your friends like you treat me, so stop doing it to me".

If I had a husband, I would also tell him directly that I needed him to support me in all of the above, and to directly challenge any abuse he witnesses. There's a book called 'Raising Boys' that it might be good to get him to read - it has v straight advice for men to back up their partners.

Flow 4 has said it all in spades. Can't add anything except I feel for you, I often feel I'm the butt of everyone's bad temper and everything always seems to be my fault. I'm normally very assertive but the constant verbal and physical abuse from DD has eaten away at my confidence- it does feel like DV. Go and do something nice this evening x

Thank you, thank you Brightsparks, Flow, and empire. Your wise words and support mean a lot and have given me a great deal of food for thought.

As you suggest, Flow, I've told DS that I find his behavour and words rude and unpleasant and would he please stop. I think he doesn't altogether expect me to be calm in the face of his attacks, but it's not only the right thing to be (most of the time) but it slightly disarms him and it gives me some strength.

You and BS are right about the importance of doing something nice for yourself - it does help.

And empire, you're right - sometimes it is best to ignore the harsh words and criticism - not doing so can end up in a horrible spiral that just gets more and more heated. Last night was a case in point - it was horrible. Amongst DS's criticisms were that I don't praise him, that he's not happy living with me .... I got fed up defending myself (rarely works), telling him that I have spent all his life to date encouraging and praising him but that at present, GCSE time, I am worried that he is doing so little work and is tethered to his computer ...

Anyway, it was horrible and eventually - much later on (and I should have taken your advices much earlier in the evening) I simply said 'Sorry' to him and he quietly said 'Sorry' to me and since then things have been much calmer. So long as that lasts ...

I was thinking - part of the reason that I get so much stick from him compared to DH is that I stick my neck out. I've battled (or it often seems like that) with GPs and schools on his behalf (had some difficult times in these departments). Perhaps he sees me as argumentative - well, I'm not normally. But I fight my kids' corners and get myself into deep water sometimes. DH is loving but tends to take the line of least resistance.

I wonder, as mothers, if our efforts to get what our kids need and deserve, doesn't sometimes work against us and get us undeserved flak from everyone from health and school officials to our own kids.

Thanks again x

That's an interesting thought, Cerys... I've been a 'battler' on behalf of my son too, so your theory's true for us...
Interestingly, today my boys were discussing how "everyone is more scared of their mum getting angry than their dad"...

I agree, WC I've spent years fighting DD's corner and all that has happened is she sees me as a bit of a sap. I hope his apology is genuine and you have given him something to think about. Fingers crossed!