Ds1's girlfiend has asked can she use my name as a reference, what the hell would I write?

[lilibet]

They have been together for almost a year, in that time she has eaten meals at my house three or four times a week and has never once offered to help, or cleaned up after herself unless prompted. She lies on the couch with ds1 watching tv, snogging (this is an improvement - carry on reading!) and charging her phone and grunts as if she was one my children and not a guest in my house.

She is that strange combination of a know it all and down right thick, last night she was loudly correcting dh about the difference between a tortilla and a fajita (he was right) and at weekend I had a conversation with her about how the bread in our freezer isn't out of date, even though the best by date on it is the 1st May, because it's FROZEN.

She won't eat a bean that is separated from the rest of the group - I realise this may be normal in some households and isn't something that can be mentioned on a reference.

Oh and then there is this...

here

I should have said no, oh dear me...

OP, what is the reference for? A job, a college course? Generally, I'd say wait for the form to arrive and feel free to write "I am afraid that I am not able to comment on DSGF written communication skills because I have not witnessed them in the capacity inwhich she is known to me". That's probably a bit wordy but you get what I mean. If they just send you a blank section on a form to write in, just focus on what you do know - does she arrive when she says she will, will she do things when asked (ok you may have to ask her but can she follow instructions clearly), is she presentable, does she have appropriate verbal communication - use different language when speaking to you compared to her boyfriend (more respectful, less slang etc.). It should be do-able.

Also, if she hasn't given you a lot of positives to go on so far, use this to your advantage - "DSGF, you've asked me to give you a reference. I will need to write about your timekeeping, ability to help other people, smart appearance, verbal communication etc so from now on, whilst your in my house, we expect......" Clouds and silver linings and all that.

Why are you letting someone who is rude and unhelpful eat with you and your family 3 or 4 times a week?

Is it a character reference she wants? Does she understand what you would need to put in it? For example that she is or isn't - reliable, thoughtful, kind, helpful, respectful, polite, a good communicator, etc. Reading what you have put of her I would have to politely decline in your shoes!

She sounds, er, lovely...

I would just say that she can't put you as a reference as you don't know her in a professional capacity and they don't usually allow references from famiily and friends. Full stop.

What is the reference for? What kind of things would they want to hear & can you come close to saying any of them truthfully?

@backforgood who are 'they'

they might require a personal reference and OP is not family.

The people that are asking for a reference.
If they (prespective employers ?) need to ask for a reference, then they can't in all fairness trust one from applicants "mates". It does sometimes say that on application forms to highlight it to people who don't know that.
I know the OP isn't her dh's GF's 'mate' or relative, but she's looking for a way out of being asked to write something she doesn't believe to be true, so that seemed a good 'cover all' response.

Love the fact that your thread title says 'girlfiend' - whether intentional or not.

I thought usually you have to have known the person for at least two years to be able to give a reference?

You're right, you should've said no, cos you are obviously going to find it hard to be positive about her. If you can't find good things to say, I think you probably need to go back to her now and say "sorry, I can't".
A lot of teenagers are unlikeable, when you spend too much time with them - I'd struggle to write a reference for my own son tbh - but I know there are some other adults out there who don't have to live with him who could be more positive. I bet the same is true for this girl :)

I think you should put the first paragraph of your op down as the reference. Sums her up well by the sound of it.

I would give her an ok reference tbh.

It's hard enough getting jobs for teenagers as it is.

as teenagers*

UsusalSuspect In times when it is difficult to get jobs, then Id have thought it even more crucial that references were honest - if only a few people are to get jobs, it would seem right and proper that those who 'amke the effort' / 'go the extra mile' / etc. get them, surely ?