dd1 helping dd3 hide pot smoking - What is the best way forward?

[MummedOut]

Help! Please! Two weeks ago dh and I discovered dd3 was smoking pot. We confronted her when she got home and of course, she gave the expected line - it was just once - I was just experimenting - I am so embarrassed - It will never happen again - blah blah blah.
I asked for her mobile phone - which is actually the family mobile she was using as she was driving the family car! I checked texts etc and found to even greater shock that dd1 - 8yrs older, graduated uni, working in city about 300m away - was aiding and abetting with supply, utensils, tips to cover tracks and assistance deceiving us. Massive bucket of cold water in the face! Terrible tension in the house since. DD2 and 4 still at home - dd2, 22 graduated uni, working locally, living at home; dd4, 14, big adjustment to gcse workoad! I feel as though my family has collapsed around my ears! I was a wahm until started teaching at the local school 9 years ago. dd3 is grounded and i have tried to keep lines of communication open but she is very angry and hostile. She doesn't think it's any big deal! She is an excellent student and grades have not fallen off yet but this is her most important year for exams etc. I have since discovered that she has been smoking pot since last year and has put herself in some tricky situations - I cannot believe I have been so blind and stupid! We trust them all but are quite strict no going out during the school week and home by 10 on the weekends (dd3). I feel I have noone to talk this out with - my own sisters are usually great for advice and tips but not this time, I think. So... Help! Please!

Everyone was home for the weekend and we all tried to act as though things were just fine - dd1 brought bf home amd unmarried bil was visiting town, too. This morning dd3 said dh and I made her feel like a criminal. DD1 knows we are aware of her part in the proceedings but I explained to her that I was not ready to discuss that yet - I really feel betrayed by her role - when dd2 turned 18, dh and I named dd1 & 2 as guardians for dd3 & 4 - yikes! I felt we were just a bunch of big frauds this w/e playing at happy families.

I think you need to calm down , a lot of teenagers smoke a bit of weed its not ideal but its not the end of the world either.

She is a criminal! so complaining you treat her like one won't get her far So many people do think it's "not a big deal" and even the police hardly seem to care anymore. Those of us who are better informed and know the damage it can do can only look on in horror as the blissfully ignorant continue to play it down, witter on about legalisation, and tell our children that it's "not a big deal" - I do hope your dd treats this as a wake up call and stops before it's too late :(

I am definitely trying to stay clam but it's VERY hard!! Dh isn't sure how to proceed as dd3 asked him outright if he'd ever smoked and he fessed up - he has stepped back now. I really don't understand it all but I've read up about it and feel as equipped as I can be right now. When I sat down to discuss with dd3, she became quite superior and sarcastic (!!) referencing my outdated terms, assuming I would present the 'gateway drug' argument .........Am I so out of touch? Is is so prevalent among young people that 'everyone does it'? I'm tearing my hair out!

It is very prevalent but also for some its devastating in its effects quickly and for some it's kind of insidiously devastating in the effect it has on studying, grades, options etc. I don't know what I'd do but I definitely would want it treated very seriously as unacceptable. I'd have some choice words for dd1 too - in fact I'd rethink guardian ship - or at least tell her you are so doing.

Oh dear . Can we assume from what you've posted that she is is taking her A level exams this summer? If that is the case, then grounding her until they are finished would make sense - smoking dope is going to affect her short-term memory and will not help her grades.

But in the longer term, you'll have to accept that she is legally an adult, and if she chooses to indulge in an activity which is illegal, she will have to run the risks and bear the consequences of getting caught. As long as she lives under your roof then you can apply your rules, but once she's at university then there is nothing you can do about it.

You say your DD continues to get excellent grades and nothing in her previous behaviour led you to believe this was going on. Your DD1 presumably graduated and is now a functional working adult, and you never had reason to suspect she was smoking pot either. Without wishing to downplay the health risks for susceptible individuals, given the length of time she and her sister have been indulging without any apparent ill effects, I doubt if she'll listen to what she will perceive as scare stories.

It looks as if damage limitation is going to be your best bet. You need to talk to your DD about the potential damage to career prospects that a criminal record can do. A huge number of jobs require a CRB check nowadays and a fair number carry out random drug test in the workplace too. Tell her that smoking dope means you can't drive a car - cannabis shows up on tests for FAR longer than alcohol does, and that in spite of what people might tell her, it DOES affect your driving ability.

And above all, tell her that smoking dope regularly will almost certainly affect her exam results at university. All that money potentially wasted on a poor class of degree could be a lifelong source of regret. It is also an expensive and smelly habit, and one which might limit her social circle to those who indulge, or are prepared to tolerate it.

This might not seem a big deal now, but it sure as hell will be in a few years time. Does she really want to be part of a semi-criminal sub-culture within her own professional circle? Teachers, doctors, lawyers who smoke dope? I've met 'em all People who use drugs, even just weekend pot-smokers, tend to stick together because they have a little "secret" habit (which most of their colleagues have guessed anyway .) And druggies are tediously dull company.

Thanks, everyone, for your responses! I still can't get my head around it all but I think you're right, LapsedPacifist, it looks as though my only option at the minute is damage limitation. We worry about dd4 in this, too - I think they all have a responsibility to set good examples for each other but we can see where that's got us! Dd3 had AS 1s this year - I am really hoping she gets a bit of a shock with the results - she is dropping hints that she may not go to uni at all but I am fairly sure that is an empty threat. The argument that she will be relegating herself to 'a semi-criminal sub-culture' may be the way to go - it certainly sounds seedy and unsavoury - exactly the image she needs to see - and druggies are achingly boring. Dh and I plan another chat with her this evening - will let you know how it goes.

Well you should of course call the police and let them deal with it. This is the only thing she will understand.

luckylavender, as someone who has called the police to arrest my own son, I can tell you it is something you do through desperation; and if you get ever a chance to consider and plan, most sensible parents in most situations would decide not to do it.

However, even if Mummed was inclined to involve the police in this particular situation, it is extremely unlikely that they would be even remotely interested. Cannabis possession is so rife that they are reluctant to take action for fear they would never have time to deal with anything else, and there is no evidence.

Presumably your dd1 has also indulged in the past? I think most people have tried it but I only know of one or two who kept it up. Agree grounding until post a levels. But you do sound as if you keep them on a tight leash ( home by 10 at the weekends) I generally remember it was these friends who tended to go more off the rails and the more laid back parents didn't mean there were so many boundaries to push.

You are still essentially a happy family. It's not the end of the world.

WipsGlitter - dd1 still indulges, from what I gather and has even expressed to dd3 that I should, too, as I am so 'uptight'!! dh is seen as the much cooler parent but we are in agreement when it comes to drugs.
After a rather tense week - again - dd3 sulking around, dh, dd2 & 4 trying to act as though e'thing is normal - found dd3 is still smoking and even has a stash in our house! dh wants to handle things this time. He feels the 'semi-criminal sub-culture' argument will backfire as he thinks this is exactly what is so attractive to her! Any advice?

Honestly? I don't think it's such a big deal. If she's been smoking it for a year without any particularly bad side effects then...

If/when she goes to university, it will be around, I don't know anyone who hasn't smoked. Not just at university, pretty much all parties in your 20s involve people smoking pot. It's not my thing, but it's not the end of the world.

Ground her for a suitable length of time, but try not to create such a big thing that she never talks to you again.

flow4 - I have considered having the police round for a visit - perhaps to say her name came up in some investigation and ask her a few questions. She really is a good girl and I am sure that would put her right - it does seem a bit extreme - dh is dead against it - but if this continues she will ruin her future! How can I make her see that? I have stepped back and tried to give her some space but this week she accused me of not caring about her life as I did not ask questions/show any interest/share any stories about my day/say more than two words to her/etc!

You need to find a middle ground. Don't cut her out of your life, just don't go on and on about the drug thing.

She is highly unlikely to ruin her life over a bit of pot.

I would imagine the police have better things to do than question a teenager about smoking pot - I think inviting them round is a massive over-reaction.

Why did your dh stop indulging? Perhaps he could explain it to her that way?

I think DD1 is your link. If you can swing her back onside, she already seems to have more influence on DD3 than you do (sorry).

If she is working, in her 20s and usually a good apple I find it really hard to believe that she thinks it's ok for her 17 year old little sister to be doing it. Get her on her own for a chat, find out WHY she is supporting her sister like this (even if she does it herself she should appreciate the age difference makes things different).

I would keep dd3 at arms length until I had done the ^ for fear of making things worse.

yellowraincoat - she has been grounded since we first found out and I don't see it being lifted any time. We thought she was shocked enough about us finding out the first time that it would all stop but obviously not as we discovered today that she has some here at home. I fear if we take it all too lightly, we send the wrong message to both her and dd4. I am afraid that she is putting herself in some very dicey situations. I know most people try it at some time or another but this is such an important year for her and it terrifies me that she may be wrecking her future. As a mother I can't just stand back and let that happen without at least trying to make her see sense!

I would also consider talking to DD3 like an adult and getting her to make her own decision on it as an adult, and explain why she has made it. As part of this I would make her read loads of the cannabis research so she fully understands the effects.

I'd also make it pretty damn clear that any pot found in the house would be instantaneously destroyed (and cite DD4 and the fact that it is illegal and your house as reasons).

Thank you all for your sound advice - I may be over reacting but I really am shocked! Last year dd3 was talking about applying to Oxbridge!

EveryboddysSleepyEyed, dh will have a talk with her about the latest development - we think it best if he does that without me as I do get very red in the face when I am nervous/anxious/upset! - he is rather quiet but firm and he will know what to say.

Also, Sarcalogs, we had a sharp discussion with dd1, about her responsibility to her younger sis and the age difference, etc and her reasoning was that she kept communication open so she could make sure dd3 tried nothing harder/worse/more dangerous. It seemed feasible at the time but now ......

Sorry, that should read Sarcalogos -

Dd1's reasoning may be true, but I'd be going for a lengthier discussion, not to have a go at her but to really get to the bottom of everyone's motivations for what's going on. Might be difficult but I think if you understand it you are more likely to be able to fix it.

Good luck!

I think you are over-reacting tbh. Certainly don't call the police!
If you don't want it in the house I would say that calmly and clearly to dd that if she is going to smoke it she must do so outside your home.
Her grades etc are her responsibility. She'll know how the pot makes her feel and she need to take responsibility for herself. She is not going to suddenly stop this because you tell her too, ok, so you can forget that as an outcome.

Mumsout, you've got some understandable worries; but you're also on new ground and feeling out of control, so your reactions are perhaps stronger than they would be if you were on more familiar territory.

Of course 'everyone' doesn't smoke cannabis, but your daughters are right that it's very widespread. If she's using that word, then it's probably the norm in her social group. Ask yourself whether you think her peers are basically good kids, and if your answer is 'yes' then you can probably be reassured.

There seem to me to be two entirely different groups of cannabis users: the weekend ones, and the daily ones. The first have aspirations and/or occupations, and use cannabis to relax from busy lives. The second have no aspirations and nothing much to do, and use it to deal with boredom and hopelessness.

It sounds to me like your daughter is in the first group, and so long as she stays there (good grades, etc.), I wouldn't worry too much.

As for Oxbridge aspirations, I'd say that's an unconnected issue. There are plenty of dope-smoking Oxbridge kids. If she wants to go there, she'll moderate/adjust her habits accordingly.

I'm not a Telegraph reader, but I came across this interesting article recently. It also makes the point that there are plenty of successful dope smokers.
Telegraph article

As a parent, the things to worry about seem to be too much pressure or too little hope... They lead to a whole raft of problems - including alcohol abuse and eating disorders and depression - of which cannabis use is only one. If your daughter is between these two extremes, she's probably fine... :)