15 year old DS - a lovely boy but no friends! (sorry if it's a long post...)

[eskimofriends]

Hi there
Can anyone advise me, or shed light, or just nod in agreement about this issue for me? I think I need some perspective and help!
Sorry if this is long and rambling...
I have a 15 year old son and 1 year old twin daughters. My son (who is from a previous marriage but gets on well with my husband) is a really good kid. He?s very rarely rude to me or his step-dad, he?s helpful round the house when I ask him, and he seems to be working hard at school and getting good grades.
The problem is that he seems to have no friends at all. He seems happy when he comes home from school, doesn?t show any signs of being bullied (but then, would I necessarily know??) and is not reluctant to go to school in the morning.
But he never makes an arrangement to see anyone out of school, and doesn?t seem to be contacted by anyone either. No parties, no trips to the shops, no cinema, nothing. Not even a phone call.
I try to push him towards emailing people if there?s a film he wants to see ? but it comes across as nagging and I can see that he gets upset whenever I raise it. So I can only assume that he?s upset about it too. I don?t want to mention it too often as I think it actually makes things worse ? bad enough he?s got no plans, doesn?t need Mum making a big deal of it.
Left to his own devices, he?d sit on his computer/Ipad/TV all weekend.
When friends of ours visit with their kids he?s funny, polite and usually quite engaging (for a teenager). And he?s especially confident with the adults.
But he seems to struggle with his peers.
I know that he's bright - and probably a bit geeky - and sometimes says things that he thinks are funny but others might find sarcastic or annoying. But I think this goes deeper than a bright kid being a bit "clever clever".
What can I do? Is there anything I can do? And should I even interfere? Do these things pass? Or is it something I should deal with now before it gets worse?
He once left his FB page open and I noticed that there was a discussion about whether or not to throw him out of some group or other. So I don't know if he's being cyberbullied, or I'm jumping to conclusions.
Either way, I would so appreciate some help. I find it very upsetting but feel so helpless.
Thanks in advance
Penny

Cry for him on the inside - and realise he will come into his own when he goes to university. I was a high-IQ, slightly obnoxiously opinionated teenager, both of whose parents worked at my school, so additional nerd factor. I had no real friends at all until I was 16. I found it very upsetting, but I just got into things, and when everyone else grew up a bit and started seeing the value in difference I started having friends. My parents always said I would have a ball at university when I was finally with people like me, and they were completely right.

He'll be OK.

Hi ,I can't offer anything new but I know how you feel. There are a few threads here where we have boys who don't quite "fit in" but there is no finger to put on them and why they don't "click" within a group. I would ask him about the FB page and what you saw, was he waiting for you to see it and then ask him? He'll be okay, just keep all lines of communication open with him, he sounds like a great boy.

I was like this at school at pretty much the same age as your son. It wasn't that anything horrible was going on, I just didn't seem to be on anyones radar to get invited anywhere. I was actually reasonably happy at school, kind of plodding along, just no social life with friends outside of it.

The thing is, this is so temporary and will change - possibly even as early as six form when there might be a bit of a shake up. If not then, definitely at university. I have a large group of friends now and it couldn't be more different to when I was a teenager.

From your point of view I would just concentrate on bolstering his self esteem as much as possible. He probably does feel the slight and needs some subtle reassurance. Definitely don't fret to him about it, it will make him feel worse. I had an older sister who used to make comments about my lack of friends and it did bother me.

The only other suggestion I have is to try to get him to join something outside of school so he has something else going on, and other aquaintances who may become friends.

He sounds like a lovely lad btw, so I'm sure this won't be a long term issue.

My son is a bit like this, he's 13. Says he has friends at school but again no invites, parties etc.
He goes to scouts so sees other kids there.
The best thing we did was to find him a hobby. He joined an air rifle club ( yes, I know some people have issues with that because it's guns) but he is actually quite good at it and has now made friends outside school through the squad he is in. His dad is also involved, so no DIY done but they are away many weekends shooting.
Brought his confidence on leaps and bounds.
How about finding him something he can do outside of school and and maybe involve his step dad.

Another thought: I actually HATED having friends come back to my place, not because I didn't like my friends or were embarrassed by my family or anything like that - but because home was my space where I could chill out and relax and be completely me. Similarly I remember my sister would always mouth "say no!" to my parents when she was on the phone to friends asking her to come to a sleepover or whatever. You might find that your son doesn't actually want people to come home with him, or to go out with them - he needs non-people downtime.

My son is now 22 but around the age of 14 he was acting the same as your son (would sit all day on the computer if i let him) - it wasn't that he didn't have any friends though - it was just that his other friends also liked sitting at home all weekend! I think i was comparing myself as a 14 yr old (always out/on the phone/making plans) but some kids (mainly boys??) just are not like that. I mean at 16 he didnt know any of his mates GCSE results ...'we just dont talk about that stuff' !! I found it very odd because i knew the ins and outs of my friends lives when i was a kid. By the age of 16/17 he had a fantastic social life.

If you are not worried about anything else (bullying, drugs etc) then just let him get on with it - he will grow out of it

Didnt quite get to the end of your post as I recognised my DS who is now 17. They do talk to each other online and this seems like the norm these days. Our son had been bullied at school and he has changed schools for 6th form which has been the making if him. He has grown tall and slim, the girls seem to like him and he now has a social group. Give him time.

I never really had friends at school. I'd try but found it too hard work. People just never seem to be on my wavelength. It bothered me that I didn't want friends because everyone else seems to love having a group of friends.
As I've got older and had a family I've realised that everyone's different and I'm perfectly happy to not have friends. I personally don't need them. So maybe your son doesn't want friends.

Thanks to EVERYONE for replying - I really do appreciate it. You've reassured me that I am probably worrying over nothing and that he will eventually find people on his wavelength and come out of himself. I will try to hold back and just let him be. (Easier said than done...) Thank you again...

I've got a 15 year old DS who sounds just like yours, and a 16 year old DS who is out so often I can barely remember what he looks like. The youngest one has friends at school - and will play x box online with them - but is usually too lazy tired to actually go out. He hates it if I try and suggest he does something, but is happy when out friends or his brothers' come round. He is sociable but doesn't like making the effort.

However, he's bright, happy, helpful and polite, so I just have to accept that he's more of a homebody than his brother.

You just described my ds1, now 19 and having a ball at uni! He never quite "fitted in" and I was always way more bothered about it than him. I have a ds2 (17) who gives me far more grief as I never see him!

Sixth form was a breakthrough time for him as the changed schools and made some new friends. He did a drama group and cadets outside of school too which helped.

Try not to worry (I understand that it's hard), he sounds lovely like my ds1 and you will appreciate having him around one day when he's gone off to uni and forgets to call you..... (she says waiting for Skype to ring!).

If you are really worried, get him to do an outside activity that involves noone from school but may also be an adult interest. Volunteering, shooting as above, stage management, bell ringing etc. It will give him outside interests without threatening him.

Ds only just coming out of shell now and only occasionally. I was like that too but for me it was books not computers. I just wanted to chill. Ds just finds the constant competition wearing and boring.

But like others I had a ball at imo and have told Ds he will too.