my 15 year old daughters boyfriend is a criminal

[jnmka]

where do i start.my dd is 15 /16 in a months time.she met the wonderful bf last june.we met him a couple of times and thought he seemed ok until september when police came to the door to say our dd was needed as a witness to a fight hed been in,this is when we found out hed been in trouble for fighting and burgalry in the past,we also learnt that he was almost 19,even though he didnt look it the dd looked older than him! we said she wasnt to see him and as far as we knew she wasnt until januray when he got caught after being on the run for 7 weeks for not turning up in court for the fighting offence.turned out she was seeing him all along.things have got worse since,he was in a nd out of court in feb/march,but apart from being on remand for a week he got away with everything. our dd or the bf have stolen from us money jewellery and most of her electrical items have gone missing.then in march after me and her had an argument over her not going out one night decided to take off and stay out all night,we had the police looking for her and they didnt find her until 4pm the next day,with him! she refused to come back home to us and went to stay with her dad for 5 weeks,she was supossed to have stopped seing the bf but one day out of the blue her dad rang to say hed found out she was still seeing him and that they basically didnt want her there anymore,so she came home to us,she been ok for 2 weeks but then last night she came home and mentioned his name and my husband went balistic all hell let loose and now she threating to go and live with him when shes 16 even though he has no fixed abode job or anything,im at my wits end and frightend that if i say the wrong thing she will just go,i feel like ive been walking on egg shells for the last 2 months .

Bump. I hope someone can offer some words of wisdom; I can only offer sympathy. Hang on in there.

I feel for you, I don't have a whole lot of advice but to echo Flow's words of hang in there. Try, both yourself and your DH to remain calm, keep the lines of communication open.

I'd advise her about the dangers of hooking up with a known criminal, how her name will be mud by association. I'd also tell her you and DH love her and want the best for her. Explain that the best for her is bed, board and education at yours. The more you both rant and rave the further you'll drive her to him.

This will work out but try to remain as calm as possible.

thanks to bump for your words, and thanks highbrows for your words i know what you mean about the ranting and raving,ive calmed down on that since she came home from her dads cause i realised it did nothing and only made things worseand i hope you are right and it will work out for the better.she with him now as i speak,going to pick her up to see her grandad for a few hours now,something normal in her life.

I absolutely do not believe that you are the only parent out there whose child is dating someone with a criminal record, so I am 'bumping' this again in the hope that someone with more experience will be along soon...

One thing I can advise is to get yourself a cash box and/or get a lock put on your bedroom door, so you can lock your cash and valuables away. My son stole from me last year/early this year, and I found it so upsetting and appalling that it took me a long time to realise that I could actually stop him stealing from me this way...

We went through hell with DD when she hit 16 and got herself a boyfriend who was 29! She told us he was 21

He had moved to our small village to live with his mum and stepfather we later found out, becuase he was hiding from having to pay maintenance for children he had fathered in the London area.

He had lost numerous jobs - DD said he left after being 'accused of stealing' - poor him... funny how he got accused of stealing in every job.We eventually refused to have him in the house when we weren't there, which caused a massive row and DD buggered off to live with the little shite. We couldn't have him in the house knowing his light-fingered ways. DD said we had him all wrong and he had been wrongly accused. How I stopped DH going and smacking him one I'll never know, but I'm so glad I did.

In the end, he had DD going out to work (under-age) in pubs and clubs, earning money for him to spend on drink and coke. All whilst we were funding her to do a degree... oh and she gave him all her student loan money too.

One day I got a phone call saying 'mum, can you pick me and all my stuff up now, quick?' I believe he must have hit her or something, as she was terrified to move when he was there... it had to be done quick while he was out. God only knows.

She then moved in with female friends and continued her degree (she passed). She now has a lovely boyfriend and his been living with him for over a year now. He is hard working in his own business. She has a job she loves too.

Sorry... that was really long... what I wanted to point out was that you MUST bite your tongue really or she will leave. Even if she does leave, you WILL get her back again when she comes to her senses. You haven't brought her up for the last 15 years to mean nothing. You will get her back again.

Thenightsky, that's a brilliant post, glad things worked out well in the end.
I think if parents can be calm and measured usually our kids come back to us.

Jmnka, hopefully other parents who have been through similar situations (I'm sure there are loads) will post their stories too.

thanks flow for your kind words,sorry to hear your son stole from you too.we have actually got a safe and put a lock on our bedroom door and i find myself puting things in our room all the time in case she sneeks him in the house while we are at work,ive got so paranoid im puting wii games and anything sellable up there.

thanks thenightsky for your words,sorry to hear youve been through a similar situation,it brings some comfort when you know your not the only ones to go through this sort of thing.so glad your daughter turned out for the better.but im sure like me when you was going through it you thought it would never get any better.you didnt say how long it was that she left home for!my dd just doesnt realise what she is doing to us,its strange cause sometimes she can be like her old self the loving side comes out then she turns into a monster and then i dont know what to do with her,i do bite my tounge cause im scared she will leave but if i have something on my mind i have to say it to her like now its bothering me shes leting him in the house when we are at work cause shes now left school apart for going back for exams and revision time,and hes meeting her out.am going to approach her about this tommorrow.

thanks highbrows and hopefully your right and im sure there will be plenty that are or have been in a similar situation

jnmka She lived with him for just short of a year.

I really thought she was lost to us at the time

Hi,

Can you repost in paragraphs, I can't read it like that....(and therefore not comment).

Ta

jnmka, yes, I'm filling my bedroom with all kinds of things too... Currently a big bag of DVDs, his TV, my bottle of whisky, my laptop whenever I go out, etc (as well as my money and cards). His little bro has a lock on his bedroom door too. I don't even go to the loo without locking mine :( It's a grim way to live, but it's less grim than being stolen from.

well here we go again,dd hasnt come home tonight,got one of her friends to text me and say she wasnt coming home that she split up with bf and to upset and that shes ok and will see me tomorrow. found it funny earlier when i tried to ring her and her phone was off,i tried a few times and when it rang and she answered she sounded moody,i know she fell out with bf last night as she was typing ten to the dozen on her lap top and was angry,been shopping today and she seemed fine apart from forever on her phone texting.could phone the police to find her but whats the point,last time it took 24 hours,im geting now where yes im bothered she my daughter but part off me thinks sod her let her get on with it,if she thinks she knows best,she also told me today she doesnt want to do her hairdressing apprenticship anymore,god knows what shes thinking,i think he brain washing her.any suggestions?

Jnmka I hope she's home now.

My advice is not to be too gloating about the breakup, just keep it light. I'd be a pissed off she didn't come home last night and tell her that's not on, but again don't make a big deal out of it.

With regards to the hairdressing apprenticeship if this is her only option then try and push it with her if it isn't her only option let her be. I know at 15/16 I would not have been able to decide on a career! Sure even at this age I'm still not decided LOL!

Just try and keep things light with her and try and keep her talking.

Thanks highbrows,yes she home now,shed stayed at a friends boyfriend apparently,the friend being another person i dont like her going about with cause she bad news,why my dd so attracted to trouble ................ i dont know! i did tell her she cant please herself about what time she comes home and said just a few words bout the break up....said she could do and deserves better,she didnt want to talk bout it..............id be over the moonif it was a permanent break up but cant see it. thanks for the advice on hairdressing,her other option is to just go out there and get a job.............unfortunatley not that easy these days.

I'd dissuade her from getting a job (are there even jobs out there for someone with no experience). Try to encourage her to stay on some kind of training course, the last thing you need is her to have money from a job!

Glad she came home.

Thanks again highbrows. ive asked through my work today about a casual job for her which will hopefuly see her through the summer if she can get on.i know what you mean about the money,but at this moment not sure whats best and what isnt ,oh and she back with the bf AGAIN this is never ending !

suburbophobe

your post makes you sound like a twat