Do you and your partner see eye to eye?

[Lins75]

Me and my DH have 4 children between us. I have a 16 year old DD from my first marriage, he has two children; my DSD 18 and DSS 20 and then we have a 5 year old little girl together. He is a widower so I've been raising his children since their pre-teen years, all of our kids have grown up together.

I have had, and still do, major problems with my DSD. She genuinely dislikes me, doesn't listen or pay attention to me and I generally disagree with her behavior and a lot of the things she does.

To me she was and still is out of control. She parties, she is sexually provocative, has way too much freedom and uses it, she is spoiled, reckless etc.

My DH adores her (as he should, she is his little girl) and sees her as perfection. To be honest, most people do. To them she is charming and beautiful, she gets good grades, she is active in extra-curricular activities, outgoing, lots of friends, well-adjusted etc.

We have always disagreed on her behavior. I mean, there are of course things when he sees her faults and reprimands her but overall to him she is wonderful. And to me? To be honest, she shocks me.

Now, we have a 5 year old together. A girl. I dread teenage years. The other day I saw such a resemblance to DSD I was horrified. I once mentioned to my DH how ''just wait till she turns out like Katharine'' (it slipped out) and he didn't take it very well and he sees nothing wrong in DD turning out like DSD. To be honest it is my worst nightmare! I don't even know how do we raise a child together when we have such different views on the whole thing?

DSD is going away for university in September and I was looking forward to peace and quite but now I may have another one in the making and I just don't want my baby to be that sort of teenager :(

If you are asking about whether DH and I have different parenting attitudes then yes sometimes we do but we sort of muddle along.

Surely some of the traits you dislike in your DSD such as being spoiled and having too much freedom are a result of her parenting. She has been spoilt, she has been given too much freedom. So in some ways I would say that is the fault of your DH an by the sounds of it you.

You haven't really explained how she 'is sexually provocative, reckless and parties' so its hard to gauge whether it is typical teenage behaviour and you're being a bit precious or if its genuinely going too far.

Also I would say I'd be offended if I was your DH. Does your DH think your DD is wonderful or does he dislike her as much as you seem to dislike your DSD?

What are the qualities you want your youngest DD to have as well as or opposed to 'good grades, active in extra-curricular activities, outgoing, lots of friends, well-adjusted etc'?

Well, my DH and I apparently have different views on what is acceptable teenage behavior.

My 16 year old follows the rules, she respects the boundaries, doesn't miss curfew, is generally a very well behaved teenager. I mean, I'm not even than hard on her or strict because as I said, she respects boundaries and parental authority. I understand that she is a different type of person than DSD which is why I believe that we should be firmer with DSD so she would learn the same thing. I'm not trying to change her as a person I just want her to respect certain rules and be safe.

DH sees it as a normal teenager having fun. I see it as complete lunacy. Ok, she is 18 now, but since 14-15 she has been going out, partying, drinking, having sex, she has gotten a secret tattoo, a piercing, I get weekly calls from the principle's office at school, she gets soo many tickets for driving, or she is sometimes driven home by people under the influence, she is known to stay out till early morning, spends time at her boyfriend's house which she is not allowed to do; she lies to DH that she is at her friends house and he believes her. I know she smokes, something my DH also doesn't believe, she disrespects me entirely, there were many many incidents with her, too many to count.

I understand that what I said to my DH is a bit insensitive, but it slipped out because it seriously is one of my worst nightmares. I don't know how I'll handle it if DD2 ends up doing those same things and my DH says ''oh, it's all normal'', because it is not normal to me whatsoever.

Do we agree?
Well almost always and if we don't he does as I say .
Really though there are very few issues that crop up where we don't either agree or come to an amicable compromise. I tend to work out a "policy" and then we discuss it and change it as necessary, whether it was bedtimes when they were little, when they were allowed a mobile phone or whether DS1 was allowed to go to a mixed sleepover.

Your DSD. Well at 18 she's an adult now. Those behaviours don't sound too unusual in an 18 year old and the girl you describe here sounds a dream To them she is charming and beautiful, she gets good grades, she is active in extra-curricular activities, outgoing, lots of friends, well-adjusted etc.
I would be worried about the negative behaviours you describe in a 14/15 year old but then a 14 year old can only go out partying if you let her.

She is 18 and sounds fairly normal to me. At 18 DD2 would sometimes stay put into he early hours of the morning she was with friends usually at night clubs but sometimes at their houses. We didn't like it but she was an adult so we just had a couple of rules she had to let us know if she was staying out late or staying over night at a friends and to be as quite as possible when she came in. Why isn't your DSD allowed to stay overnight at her BFs surely it should be her choice at 18.

You can't be firmer now it should have been done at 14. If you are not as strict with your 16 year old than of course your 18 year old DSD would resent it. At 18 you should be getting less strict.