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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Downwardly mobile teen?

32 replies

flow4 · 21/05/2012 13:59

I wonder whether anyone else has noticed this phenomenon... I find it really quite odd... I suppose it'd even be interesting if I were a sociologist rather than a mother... Confused

I'm solidly 'middle class': university educated, working in a professional job; my house is full of books and I don't watch much TV; my leisure activities - tho' limited by being a single parent with a part-time income - are things like dinner with friends, films and occasionally the theatre, a bit of swimming; we haven't been abroad for a couple of years, but we have weeks and weekends away in places like Wales and the Yorkshire coast...

My younger son (12) does what you'd expect a son in such a family to do: he's successful at school and pleasant to talk to; he's a bit of a geek, but a sociable one; he goes to science club and archery; he can play a bit of piano and he's an impressive film buff (even beginning to know about French cinema!); he whittles and draws, and though he's a whiz on a computer, he can entertain himself happily without screens...

My teenage son (17), on the other hand, wants nothing to do with any of this. Like most teens, he thinks he's been born into the wrong family... Hmm He spends his time in bed or on the sofa, watching TV or playing video games, or hanging around on street corners, or a nearby housing estate, or elsewhere, Doing Nothing with other teenagers (mostly boys). He does no organised activity, and refuses to join in with any 'family' trips or activities. He's bright but not interested in studying, so he obviously underachieves - and he doesn't have any ideas about what else to do either. Many of his 'mates' have been excluded from school, or have left it without finding anything else to do. They don't work, and nor does my son (tho' he has done the occasional bit of cash-in-hand casual work). He smokes dope and takes M-Cat at (I think) weekends. He has no plans and no aspirations.

He expresses views and acts in ways he knows I find intolerable: he has stolen money from me, and behaved badly and violently enough that I have called the police on him on three occasions ("what sort of mum calls the police on her own son?"); he won't do chores at home ("that's what mums do"); he won't consider volunteering ("I don't even want to work, so why would I work for free?)... (It's going to be a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng summer :( )

I'm not a pushy parent (perhaps I should have been more hard-line) and obviously many kids are inclined to reject their upbringing and their parents' values... But it feels like he is choosing a life that won't amount to much, and it's very hard to watch and live with...

I don't know if this cultural reference will mean anything to others, but I often feel like I live an 'Archers life' somewhere like Ambridge, and he lives a 'Shameless' life somewhere like the Chatsworth Estate.

There's a lot of talk about giving young people opportunities for better 'social mobility', but I'm pretty sure The Powers That Be intend this to support kids to move upwards, not downwards! Hmm Does anyone else have a child who seems determined to be 'downwardly mobile'... Or (I live in hope) one who's been through that stage and come out the other side?!

OP posts:
Original poster
flow4 · 25/05/2012 07:01

Oh and of course you are right that "the traits of selfishness and getting by with little effort" are common in teenagers... I thought that after I wrote my last post. In this respect my son is not unusual - that's kind of my point! He does, quite often, tell me I should be grateful he isn't worse, and that many of the other teens he hangs out with are worse! Hmm

OP posts:
Chandon · 25/05/2012 07:19

sounds like he is hanging out with "the wrong crowd", and his behaviour is normal, within that group.

I have no clue what you could do.

All I know is that it is a blo%dy hard job raising kids on your own. The fact that teachers have not much authority or respect does not help.

It is a BIG problem that he does not feel that some point he will need to earn his own money,and he'd better shape up. instead he (thinks he) can live of the state/mum...

But what to do?!

Maybe set an ultimatum, ie: Do your A-levels/Uni/decent course and I will help you financially. or do nothing, but then you are on your own from 18.

My middle brother was a bit like that, but shaped up and did A-levels at 20 (!), then Uni, some bouts of unemployment, but he hated being poor more and more, his girlfriend left him for being a "loser" (ie poor and not trying to get out of it) then got a job. In the end. He had changed his mates by then, and it was "normal" for his new mates to work and want to be able to go to the pub with some money in their pockets. a hard working girlfriend also helped.

Original poster
flow4 · 25/05/2012 16:56

That's exactly the point we're at, Chandon: he hasn't had any money from me since about Christmas, except for a couple of occasions when he did extra chores. Other than that, he has got by on a bit of casual gardening work and scrounging from his mates, and nicking the odd bit of booze from me.
I think really he does know he'll have to work, but he's avoiding it for as long as poss, and using it to wind me up, cos he knows it's important to me that he does something useful Hmm But I do find it worrying that he and his mates aspire to a lazy life on the dole :(

OP posts:
Chandon · 26/05/2012 17:23

maybe let him try it and see how he likes it? not living with you, and eating your food, drinking your booze and you doing his laundry though!

No, living in a shabby room (or whatever he can afford), having to buy all his own stuff. Then he'd find out fast enough that the golden life of benefits....is a bit of a myth.

WelshCerys · 26/05/2012 20:56

Empathy/sympathy in buckets, flow. One of mine - a son - exhibited not dissimilar behaviour at 18 - and it went on. To the point where he was actively destroying himself - his health, his prospects, his relationships with us and his siblings. We later found out about the drugs and the stealing ...

Don't get to the point where you are worn out and down, where any of this seriously rubs off onto your other DS. I did and I regret it, bitterly.

Is it at all possible that you might have an ally at DS's college? Someone who could talk to him very honestly about his prospects? Were the police of any help to you - did they tell him what the consequences of continued stealing/violence are likely to be?

Is there anything you can do about the video watching? It's wretched to have to subsidize something like this that is leading your DS precisely no-where.

Another thought, though I'm sure it's occurred to you ... is there a chance DS could be unusually depressed or anxious? My DS was and looking back, the signs where there but of course that doesn't in any way excuse poor behaviour - it simply means that there may be other people/approaches that might help.

zebrafinch · 30/05/2012 00:13

Wrathomum, I could have written your post. I have 3 degrees ,my DD zones out if anything academic or educational comes up. The shutters come down. She is a lovely person and and has many good qualities but is totally lacking any ambition. She is working 10 hours a week on minimum wage. She is not remotely interested i in any further training or doing an apprenticeship? I wish she could find something which

zebrafinch · 30/05/2012 00:15

Posted too soon
I wish she could find something Which she could be passionate about

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