Dd 13 a loner?

[Swifty1234]

My DD who is 13 really seems to struggle with friendships and I'm not sure if there's anything I can or should be doing. She was in a group of about 5 friends at primary/middle school which was then separated at secondary school. She started secondary school in the same form as two of them. Since then (she's now in year 9) she has one new friend and that seems to be it. Her friend was on holiday last week and my dd stays she spent every break in the library or locking herself in the toilet. She told me she felt lonely at school and feels she's a loner. She said everyone knows she has no friends. She asked me not to talk to her school but I did as I was so worried about her. Her form teacher said she'd noticed that she was much quieter than she had been in year 8 and would have a chat with her. My dd is now upset that I spoke to the school and is embarrassed that her teacher now knows she only has one friend. A few people have made horrible comments about her lack of friends and one of the girls wrote something on the blackboard about her not having any boobs yet. I do worry about her. She's one of the youngest in the year and I think feels out of her depth. I would really appreciate some advice.

Wtf??

Hello mum of just 1 - I just reported that last post - most odd.

hope you get some better answers.

LaBella is trolling through threads all over the shop..

Swifty Are there any lunchtime clubs she could join? The numbers that attend usually seem to be small, and your DD may find it easier to make friends in a smaller quieter group if they have something in common.

Thanks I've also reported that post!& I've tried to encourage clubs but she seems reluctant to try anything. She thinks friendships have all been made and it's not as easy as that:(

Ah that's sad, your poor DD.. did you point out that the clubs are all ages and separate from the normal class/year set ups..

Thing is too that friendships chop and change, my DS (14) doesn't hang around with the same kids he did last year, or the year before that.

Hi Swiftly. I could almost have written that post except my dd is in year 8 and one of the oldest. She really doesn't make friends easily. She confident and loud at home with her brothers but its a completely different story at school. She's now getting bothered (kind of bullied really) because she doesn't stand up for herself.
I feel really sad for her because she puts stuff on Facebook and no-one ever replies.
What has really helped her is friends outside school. She has a friend from her old junior school who she sees most weekends. I also bought a book called Queen Bees and Wannabes about girls, socialising, exclusion and the groups they form. I think it helps to understand social behaviour as she feels less of a freak.
It's a good idea about the lunchtime clubs. I will look into that.
If dd had her way she would be reading in the library quite happily every break but aparently you can't do that in school because you'll be spotted and teased for being a sad loner.
I'm going to try and encourage her to join a club either at lunch time or doing something she loves like dance or art after school.
I'm also trying to do stuff with her and spend more time just chatting to her about nothing in particular. Just spending more low key time with her. Sometimes I feel she's left out because she has three little brothers who take up a lot of time and she demands my time less so i need to positively discriminate.

Rambling and long but you know what I mean.

Good luck.

Hi spidermama thanks for replying. It's so hard seeing other people teasing or being nasty to them isn't it. I just wish I could help her and be a fly on the wall. I know what you mean about Facebook. Trouble is my DD has stopped putting anything on there now which makes me feel she's just withdrawing. It's not what I hoped teenage life and secondary school would be like for her. I really hope in a years time I can look back and think what was I worrying about. I've suggested lunchtime clubs but she just doesn't seem interested. I think it's the new people she struggles with. I wish I could stop worrying about it. Hope your DD is ok.

That's the trouble with all this uber-communication - FB, texts etc. You can very quickly feel out of it cos you are not getting ten messages a day. It refocuses the mind on the fact even when they are away from their friends.

I can maybe offer you a bit of reassurance...
At that age, I was a misfit and socially quite lonely. I really did not understand the 'rules' of being a girl: friendships, boyfriends, what was cool, what was allowed, what wasn't, etc. I was a straight-forward girl, and being a girl at that age is not straight-forward at all - nothing was as it seemed! I found boys much easier to understand, but socialising with them was taboo for a few years. I wasn't interested in fashion or pop stars or make-up, or any other 'girl stuff', and I didn't pretend I was. I was also loyal by instinct, and most girls that age are fickle.
At the time, I thought I was the only person who felt confused and left out. However, I look back and think those years are horrendous for most young people. The ones who seem to be popular and sociable are the ones who have learned to pretend, I'd say. But pretending doesn't make you happy: it makes you nervous and stressed.
I'd bet your daughter feels lonely because she doesn't understand 'the rules' and isn't pretending she does. I'd also bet she isn't actually any less happy than her busier peers, and in fact, I'd think there is a good chance her one close friendship is more genuine and supportive than most girls' friendships.
As an adult, I now have many good strong friendships - many with people who felt like misfits as teens. That 'teenage isolation' taught me to value people who are genuine and straight-forward, and not afraid to 'be themselves'. I found my friends as my social circle widened, at 16+, and I bet your daughter does too :)
P.S. I'm not friends with anyone I went to high school with!

I would echo what flow has said. I also had very few friends at school, and in fact no friends at all really by the end.

One thing that really helped me was having an out of school activity that I really enjoyed and was good at. It meant that I could socialise with other people my age, and although they never became close friends, I enjoyed spending time with them and it gave me the confidence that I wasn't some sort of freak who nobody liked.

As flow said, once I was out of school, and able to choose who I spent my time with, I started making friends, and much to my amazement now I am pretty popular and a central member of a friendship group.

My teenage years were pretty lonely, but they were not the end of the world. The best thing you can do for your DD is to help her have the confidence not to be desperate to be part of the 'in crowd' and to give her a wider view of the world so she knows that what goes on in school doesn't have to define her.

Thank you so much flow and thistledew. That is so helpful. I just need to support her and let her be herself. Hopefully she will settle into friendships as she gets older. Can I ask if your family members were social types. I feel guilty sometimes wondering if it's something I have or haven't done. Thanks again :)

Yes, my family were/are very sociable, and I'd say I am too... Now. :) It's almost certainly the weird rituals of being a teen that are the problem, rather than your daughter :)

I had very similar problems at school, and I think it's really good that you're aware of this (even though it's upsetting for you). Agree with encouraging her to do clubs at lunch time and also after school - would drama interest her, could work as a confidence booster? Any opportunity to make friendships outside of school as well. It is such a difficult age for girls, I also remember locking myself in the toilet, and wandering round and round at lunch time with no one to talk to and praying the bell would ring for the end of lunch. I was very bookish and shy and not interested in make up and boys which was the be all and end all at my school. I didn't really have the sort of relationship with my mum where I could confide in her, and it was a horrible struggle. The two genuine friends I did have were also girls who didn't conform in some way. Teenage girls are very insecure and also very ruthless with one another.
On a more positive note, I had no trouble making friends once I went on to sixth form college.