Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How to deal with DD's constant putdowns?

12 replies

metrobaby · 18/05/2012 10:19

DD is 12, but I am getting increasingly fed up with her telling her younger siblings that they are not good at anything, and generally critisizing them. Yesterday, she launched such a tirade at ds (8) that he was inconsolable.

I've tried ignoring her, reasoning, removing privledges for her - but nothing works. She just rolls her eyes at me, and a few hours later starts again. I'm worried about the effects it is having on her younger siblings as DS is suffering real confidence issues now.

DD is quite a high achiever, yet in addition to this, she keeps telling us that she is not good at anything, or that she is not good enough.

I can't understand where this is coming from as DH and I are very conscious of not pressurizing our dc and not criticizing them - but we must be doing something wrong for her to behave this way Sad

OP posts:
fridayfreedom · 18/05/2012 10:24

When my DD 16, is uptight or upset about something it's usually DS 13 who gets it!! could you talk to her about whether she is stressing about something? In my experience the 'high acheivers' often put themselves under huge amounts of stress and this has to come out somewhere.
However , evn if she is stressing, she should not be allowed to treat her siblings like that. Make sure that she has consequences for that behaviour and make it clear that it is not acceptable whilst supporting her with whatever is causing it.

Original poster
metrobaby · 18/05/2012 10:26

thanks Friday - it's quite bad at the moment as she is doing some tests at schools so I can imagine she is quite stressed.

OP posts:
fridayfreedom · 18/05/2012 10:34

mines just about to start GCSEs so goes between being adorable and vile. I can ignore the vile when it's to me , have leanrt through mistakes not to buy into it but to go and be busy in another room!! if you don't feed the fire it soon stops.
Sometimes just taking drinks, snacks and other treats can help when they are working. And cuddles!! teenages are just big three year olds really!!

HeathRobinson · 18/05/2012 10:35

Maybe the way to go here would be to boost ds' confidence?
Sit down with him, away from dd, and just point out all the things that he is good at, including simple stuff like being nice.
Remind him that he wouldn't be at school if he didn't have things to learn etc, etc.

Possibly give him a little more responsibility at home, praise him when he gets it right, show him how to cope if things go wrong.
And above all, let him know that you and dh are very happy with him and that his sister's criticism is not only unwarranted, but not ver nice.

If dd has a go at him and it's like water off a duck's back, she may not bother?

Mrsmuppethead · 18/05/2012 10:44

If she is 12 and clever, she is old enough to have an adult conversation with you. Sit down with tea and biscuits. Explain that kids with low self esteem are often made that way by people putting them down, even throw away comments and you want her help to make sure that her siblings don't feel bad about themselves. Don't get into a debate about who said what, just say that in the future, everyone is going to treat each other with respect regardless of age. (wave a magic wand and enter Mary Poppins!) Explain that it isn't right and isn't nice and you know that she is clever enough to to hold back and help teach them the right way . Then ask her if you can do anything to help her study..would her favourite dinner help, a quiet room where the others are banned for an hour, a revision aid book, a bubbly bath to relax in after etc etc..It worked with mine.

GnomeDePlume · 18/05/2012 13:32

We are very strict about 'attitude' and also about DCs being nice/polite/kind to each other. We pick them up on every bit of snappiness/impoliteness/meanness.

It is hard work to start with but very soon it becomes the norm to be nice/polite/kind.

Insist on it from all DCs. It really does make for a nicer household!

Original poster
metrobaby · 18/05/2012 16:17

thanks for the advice - this is my first time on the teenagers board.

Mrs Muppethead, yes I will sit down with her and talk to her. I think she may be feeling left out as a lot of my time does go to my younger dc. I think the offer of helping her study might be what is needed as she does put herself under undue pressure

Gnome - I tend to take your method normally and am very strict about attitude but my DH tends to do what Friday does, and not 'feed the fire'. I think our inconsistent ways of dealing with her isn't helping...

Heath - definately I will make sure to boost ds' confidence. DD is particularly worse if he comes home with a certificate/award/badge etc, so his pride is normally short-lived Sad

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 18/05/2012 18:12

I will be honest that at the age of 12 I would be going with strict. Understanding to be saved for GCSEs!

awbless · 18/05/2012 21:37

It sounds like you are letting DD rule the roost. DD rolling eyes at me at 12 would been told exactly where she stood! It's plain rude and not acceptable to you or any other adult.

Stop pussy footing tell her how it is and stick to it. And when she starts with her carrying on put a stop to it immediately and make sure everyone hears you saying it's rude and unacceptable and you wont put up with it.

ragged · 18/05/2012 21:40

I am generally lousy at "zero tolerance", but I think maybe I have pulled it off on this sort of thing. DC are just not allowed to verbally abuse each other.

Rolling eyes just invites me to give the same back. Drives them absolutely insane ime, so they won't repeat.

riversmum · 20/05/2012 22:38

I thought you were talking about my own daughter here lol. I dont know how to help, but just say SNAP. I have a 12 year old daughter who is turning into b1tch of the decade! She has a 10 yr old sister and does the same, she cant seem to say anything nice. My dd1 is high achiever, G&T always wants to be the best despite me not being AT ALL pushy. She is starting to show proper teen behaviour too, told me she hated me and called her dad soem obscenetiy the other day. Most of the time she is lovely, when its just me and her for example, and she is a good sensible girl. but yes, the nasty put downs are appalling and i am ashamed she is mine, sometimes!

SecretSquirrels · 21/05/2012 10:43

I have fought a constant battle with DS1 putting down DS2. It's the constant sneering and sniping and it does undermine DS2s confidence who feels overshadowed by his older brother in spite of strenuous efforts on my part.
Glad it's not just mine.
Mrsmuppethead I have tried your technique and it works for a while but I have noticed it creeping back lately and have had to speak to him again.
GnomeDePlume good point

New posts on this thread. Refresh page