help please with depressed teenager

[mumofteenageboys]

Hello....I've not posted on here before but am at my wit's end to know what to do and I hope someone can help.

My teenage son (13yrs, yr 8) is depressed. We have seen a counsellor who my OH and I thought was good, but he didn't. We are now seeing our regular homeopath who is also a counsellor. He is happy seeing her and speaking to her about it, and emailing her.

The problem is, I just don't know what to do to help him....

He is totally happy at school - both professionals we have seen are also convinced that school isn't the problem.

He is often smiling, and has engaging conversations with us.

He has friends - he is at an all boys school, and doesn't really have a social life or know many girls. (he has arrangements with friends during the holidays).

I think he is bored when not at school - he reads and listens to music, but isn't interested in spending hours in front of the tv/playstation etc. He cycles, weather permitting. He does after school clubs that he enjoys 2 evenings a week and has a couple of things he enjoys doing at the weekends.

He says that he feels his life is pointless and a waste. He did exceptionally well at his old school, and is doing really well now. He is a very intelligent boy, and is articulating his feelings in a scarily mature fashion.

If I ask how he is feeling, he just says 'the same', and i try to offer a hug, and tell him we are trying to help him, or does he want to sit with me and have company, but he just shrugs.

Yet, when he is busy, you would have no idea how he is feeling. In fact, often we have no idea, and we didn't know about this for several months.

We have tried motivating him to have other interests. We try just talking to him to tell him how well he does in everything he does, how lucky he is in so many ways, he has holidays, toys, friends, his own bedroom, etc etc....
We tell him that we are here for him and would do absolutely anything to help him. Yet we aren't helping :(

My OH thinks that it is mostly attention seeking, and that he can't possibly be feeling as bad as he is. I agree to a point, but not fully, as he is in a close, loving environment. (Although he doesn't realise that OH and me aren't in a great place, but no big shouting fights etc so I think it is mostly unnoticed?!).

Any suggestions or advice is welcome please. Everything I have tried seems to help. It isn't like when they are 3 yrs old and a hug and a chocolate button helps....it's so hard to deal with this.

Thank you.

Hi, thank you for your very honest reply.

I think that you may be totally right. But, how do we go forward? Do we tell him we are having problems?? Surely not?

We need to go for counselling (OH and me), but I fear it may not help anyway, and don't want to have to make any more permanent changes with our son in such a fragile state?! Also, OH is burying head in sand over our issues.

I did ask him (son) last week how he feels when him and I argue, and it ends up that me and his dad argue over it, and he said that it isn't like we (OH and me) argue that often so it isn't really a big deal.

Love what you say, and it is very true, but I just don't know what to do?! OH will go for counselling with me, but if that doesn't help, then what happens to teenager?! (and 10 yr old may also end up affected!).

OMG what a mess!!!
:S

I presume you have been to a GP as well as a homoeopath?
What you describe sounds like normal teenage boy misery and mopiness so I presume you have a clinical diagnosis of depression? Perhaps you don't want to say why you think he is so fragile?
You say he has friends. What do they do socially that your son does not?
Agree that he will almost certainly know more than he lets on about your problems.

Thanks for your response - yes, I phoned the GP. I received a return phone call from him, was not offered an appointment when asking for one, and I could hear that he was distracted and using a keyboard when talking to me - can't say for certain that he wasn't typing what i was saying, but i didn't get that impression. All he could offer me was a form to fill in for 'child and adolescent mental health services', and said that I should return it to them and would get a phonecall to follow up at some time, which could be up to several weeks. I am still waiting.

At first we thought it was normal teenage boy misery etc....he has that too....one word answers, mopes about, etc etc. We have not yet had a GP diagnosis of depression, but my husband and I are both reasonably astute and intelligent and after speaking to him and listening to him expressing his feelings, we both feel that this certainly points to more than just teenage angst.

I have no problem saying why I think he is so fragile - this is an anonymous posting, but the honest answer is that I don't know. I have no idea why he is feeling this way. I have no idea what the trigger was, or indeed any cause.

He has friends who he sees during the holidays (at their house or at ours), and I don't think they do more than that - I was just including that in my first posting so that i was giving a full picture. I think that some 13 year olds have more active social lives, and some do not.

Any advice welcome. Thank you so much.

sorry but it sounds to me a like low-level depression. I think looking back I had it at 15 - everything was an effort and seemed pointless. Nothing engaged me. I had it again in my 30s and it felt the same - no specific problem I could pinpoint but I just felt flat. I was on prozac for a few years and it was the best thing I ever did. It really sorted me out. I can't remember how many years I was on them but I weaned myself off them over the course of about a year when I felt better. I've had periods of stress then but stress or anxiety felt a lot different to the feeling of depression which made me feel helpless. The anti-depressant helped me and I don't think anything else would have. It's just a chemical inbalance in the brain.

It doesn't sound like your son has any particular problem. It sounds partly boredom as well. Any youth clubs he could join possibly going along with a friend? Hope he gets some help soon.

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. It's really hard when you get to the point where you realise you can't 'fix' all their problems any more.

Your post worries me a bit. What you describe doesn't sound very different from many other teenagers, and you say your son has no actual diagnosis of depression, and yet you are using the word very certainly. To me, from what you say (which I know may not be the whole picture) he sounds happier and more engaged with life than many teens. I do wonder what actually led you to decide he is depressed...? Sorry to ask a difficult question so bluntly, but - Are you sure you are not making your son the focus of concerns and emotions that are really yours, rather than his?

'Labelling' is a tricky issue in mental health: on the one hand, an accurate diagnosis can mean someone gets appropriate help. On the other, everyone is so much more than any label, and 'pinning' one onto someone can reduce and restrict their sense of who they are - can reinforce their sense of having or even being 'a problem'. You need to be wary of treating him in a way that could make your concerns a self-fulfilling prophecy.

That said, if my concerns are misplaced and your son is depressed, don't worry too much. With mental health, what counts is resilience. In other words, everyone gets sad, angry, emotionally unbalanced, disturbed, gets mentally 'ill' and struggles sometimes - just like everyone gets cold or flu sometimes - but what is important is whether you have a good ability to deal with difficult emotions and thoughts, and so recover. You can help your son by helping him develop his 'emotional immune system' :) He is already doing some things that really help - talking and spending time with friends and doing activities, for instance. Other things that are known to help mental health are being active, learning new things, and giving to others. Google '5 ways to wellbeing' and you'll find more info and some practical advice and ideas. Good luck!

Hi, thank you for your reply. Yes, I just want to 'fix' it! I think perhaps I focussed on explaining about him, and not why I think he is 'depressed'.

He came to speak to us a couple of months ago and told us that he feels he needs help, and that he thinks he is depressed. Of course at first we thought he was sensationalising it and I wondered what he has been reading, but as he spoke it became clear that these were real feelings he has.

I feel a lot of it is probably hormonal changes he is going through at the moment. He said that he always feels there is 'something wrong', even when he is happy. He feels that whatever he is doing, at the forefront of his mind there is a nagging feeling that he is miserable. He feels that he is wasting his life, and there is no point to it. Of course we explained that he is doing so well at school, and has lots of great opportunities, and that we love him very much, and these feelings should be unfounded. He says that he knows that but still he can't help it. He said it is like a screaming at the very front of his mind all the time that he is wasting his life and that he is miserable. He feels he is in a hole and he can't get himself out of it. He knows this isn't how he should be feeling, and he knows he needs help with it.

What you explain about resilience is very helpful - especially as I am obviously concerned that we sort this out and don't get any recurrences as he progresses through the teen years.

I will get straight onto Google...

Thank you all so much for your replies. It is really helping me to think outside the box with this. Please, any more comments are so welcome!

Ok, that makes more sense :) And of course if your son tells you he has a problem, you'll want to do everything you can to help. :)
I think you can reassure him the way he is feeling is normal for his age. He has the advantage of being bright enough to recognise and articulate his unhappiness, so it's easier to take action. It sounds like he will understand the idea of 'resilience' and the usefulness of doing things and having strategies to develop his. That, plus the counsellor, should help. I think you can ask for a CAMHS referral from your GP if you want, but I think it is quite possible your son won't hit their threshold for intervention. Mine didn't. And frankly, long term, his mental health will benefit much more from him having his own strategies and better resilience, than from relying on others to 'fix' him. That's not to say he might not need further help in future, but it sounds like he's well-enough supported for now :)