How to talk to a teenage girl away at boarding school

[Alrobe]

My 14 year old daughter goes to a boarding school and I am recently finding it harder to talk to her on the phone. She is generally really bubbly but sometimes she just seems quiet and doesn't really want to talk. I know that this is probably normal teenage behaviour but it is very difficult to know how to react when I can't see her and don't know much about her day. I find that if I ask too many questions she clams up and can get defensive when I simply ask if she is OK.

We have always had a good relationship and I want to try and maintain that but worry that I may alienate her by saying/doing the wrong thing!

Any ideas or suggestions from anyone who has been in this position and found a way to keep the communication flowing would be most welcome!

I get this too. If its when I call her - then often its just an awkward time and I think she doesn't want to seem rude - but really just wants to get off the phone because someone can over hear her.

If she rings me and is very quiet, then I know she's usually got a problem - and so just speak gently until I get something out of her. Usually ask if everythings OK, how is she feeling etc.

What about writing or emailing?

yes, it is when she is quiet that I think there is something wrong but she won't be drawn and I don't want to push for fear of annoying her. There must be ways of getting through, though!

I do write and email but only about general things. I have wondered about writing more in depth letters, though. Have other people found that a useful way to get to the bottom of things?

I don't have a dd at boarding school but just wanted to add something. Both my DDs went through this stage, it is part of being a teenager. You know there is something wrong and despite trying they don't want to talk. I used to find it would eventually come our a few hours or even days later.

The only advice I could give you is to make yourself available as much as you can. Can she contact you at all hours of the day or night? I would want to reassure her that she can. I think the longer e mails is a great idea as she might find that easier to tell all in her own time. Teenagers do not like to be put on the spot.

Also is there an adult at school she feels able to talk to? Sometimes parents are the last person a teenager wants to speak to.

Thank you quicklookbusy. Unfortunately, they have limited access to their phones and can only call for a few hours each evening. This is supposedly in case they are upset and worry parents by calling in the middle of the night!! Shedoes know that I am always avialable when she is, though! There are lots of approachable people at school but she hasn't spoken to anyone that I am aware of. I don't think she is unhappy at all, but would love her to share more of the ups and downs of her day!!

This is not simply about being a teenager. If you want to maintain a good and close relationship with your daughter don't send her to boarding school... All children sent away to school have to learn to live in an institution, not at home and to do so they have to change and become in some way a different person .. They are forced to become self-sufficient and very independant and this is what you are expreriencing in her phone calls..

She will find calls different because, as you say, you don't know much about her day. But that is what you chose.
Having been through this and been forced into being independant with parents not involved in your day -to -day life it then becomes impossible to include them in that life. And conversations occur about superficial things and certainly not about how she feels or, as you put it ...is she is "ok"...

The best you can do is talk to her when she has settled back at home after a few days of being on holiday ( and it takes a few days ) and see if she will tell you then, how she feels about the issues...

Thanks Byah I am sure the OP found your comments really helpful and supportive!

My DD has boarded since prep school and we still have an excellent relationship. We speak most days now even though she is at Uni. However, there were times as you describe (which are common to most teenagers). To be honest there are still days where I could be described as bubbly and others when I am quiet and don't feel like chatting.

OP I hope you have a lovely half term with your DD.

But my comments are true.. maybe that is difficult for you .
Why would you ever want to send your small child away to an institution to be brought up by strangers when you consider you have a good relationship with her?
It doesn't add up.

Have you thought about skype ? seeing each other face to face will help you to stay close I think, teens can go through stages of just not really wanting to talk full stop, so try not to worry and look too much into it.

Don't worry OP, even if your DD was at home with you, going to school locally, she may decide not to share every little thing with you. She's growing up, learning to be independent and teenagers are notoriously hit and miss with their communications.

As long as she's happy, that's all that matters. When she's not chatty on any given day, just ask if she's busy and needs to get back to something, letting her know that you know she has an independent life that doesn't need to be shared all the time. Just send her your love, and ask when she wants you to call again.

Byah - don't bash the OP for wanting to still have a good relationship with her DD, even though she's away at school. My relationship with my DS has become closer as a result of him being at boarding school, so I absolutely disagree that sending a child to boarding school results in the loss of a "good and close relationship". I too sometimes have a monosyllabic teenager on the line - it's not the end of our relationship. He knows I love him, I know he loves me, and we can have a lengthy chat on a different day.

I have 2 teenage DDs, not at boarding school, and they can both be a bit quiet at times, especially if something is bothering them.

We have developed a discussion called "High/Low" which we have every evening. It can be a bit of a chore but we each take turns to say the thing that has made us happiest and saddest each day. I know it sounds really cheesy but we have found it helps. Sometimes they say really surprising things - things you noticed but didn't think were significant. I also think it's helpful for them to hear what DH and I found good and bad in each day.

I know your DD is at boarding school (as I was) but if you did something like this over the holidays it would give you the opportunity to do it over the phone when she goes back to school.

Byah - you are not being at all helpful. Clearly the idea of boarding school is an anathema to you, that's your perogative, but this poster didn't ask for a lecture about her schooling choices. You don't know the circumstances of those choices.

Alrobe, although I wasn't at boarding school, I lived in a different country to my dad, so I know how it is to try and have 'significant' conversations with a parent at this age. Teenagers clam up at the best of times. Providing the school doesn't have any pastoral issues with her, I would keep it light and open with her.

If the phone isn't working, I would consider more letters and small thoughtful treats in the post. I found it hard to chat to my dad, but a card or a little cheap bracelet or a pack of Haribos or similar meant the world, way more than a phone conversation.

Thank you for your support (almost) everyone. Iparticularly like the high/low idea and Skype. Why hadn't I thought about that? I will also try and respect that she is growing up and not push to find out what she doesn't, at that time, want to tell!

With regard to the boarding issue, I would not in a million years have allowed my daughter to go to boarding school had she not been identified as a talented dancer and offered a place at a full time ballet school. She is living her dream - I am missing her terribly!

Sorry for the delay in responding but it all went quiet for a while so I thought that the thread had died!