Nearly 15...'weed' becoming BIG problem...Just picked him up from 'school' cos smoking joint during sports.

[bluerach36]

Have followed, but not joined in, a few threads in the past year and a half re similar problems with others' teenage sons...husband and I now talk about trying to "do a MaryZ" (we see you as our Guru..!) when things have been really bad!!!
I'll try to be brief?! We love both our sons dearly, elder son now 17, and think we bought them up the same? Younger son has been in a lot of trouble since 13 1/2.... clever lad, was in grammar..booted out and moved down a set but in same school September 2010.
Back then and for past 18 months constant problems...police calls, damaging cars, graffiti, disruptive behaviour in school,truanting, stealing money and possessions from us and his older brother. And smoking bloody weed......... After trying to work with the school he was finally permanently excluded in February this year. Started at local Pupil Referral Unit..which has been brilliant...has settled in pretty well with a few hiccups.
Has finally seemed to have engaged with school...even got pupil of the week last week!!
We cope with things on a daily basis now...most days lately are miles better..We haven't seen the police for months,he's polite, comes in on time...actually a nice young man to be around a lot of the time. Still stealing cash if opportunity arises(we hide purses/wallets) and tobacco; which we buy for him and give a small amount on a daily basis...don't ask?! But he denies this and doesn't seem ashamed. He says £10 is just like 'dust' in my husbands pocket. Put his fist through the front door last Weds in a temper because he had done jobs for me but only got £6 and he 'needed' £10...no guessing what that was for?
His pocket money on a Friday was stopped when things got really bad, before he was permanently excluded, until he could assure us it wasn't all going on weed. But he is strangely logical and says he will be spending his money on weed; its legal, just a plant, he likes it etc. I have arranged drug counselling sessions for him but he does not want to go and they will not see him unless he chooses to go himself. I am now an expert on weed through trying to help him understand it?! But he is not interested in any view but his own.
Now he has £2 a day for going to school...which is madness really. But I am so pleased that school is starting to be something he sees as enjoyable, a miracle!, and he is proud to be getting a full £10 at the end of the week.
I feel ashamed to tell some people that we give him money even though I am sure it is more or less spent entirely on weed. We often also give him some more on a Saturday...his £10 is spent (and smoked) by then and so he has nothing for anything else. ARE WE MAD???
And now I've just finished a night shift... I'm a nurse... got in bed and the school have rung to say can I collected him...caught smoking and smelling of weed with two others when the school bus stopped at the newsagent to pick up drinks for sports session. AAARRGHH! And the shameful thing is I could smell it in his room this morning and said nothing to him.....didn't want to start with accusations...just wanted to get him happily to school.......??
We try to stay calm now...the alternative was not getting us anywhere...but I lost my rag. This school really is his last chance but all he can say is the usual...its only a plant, blah,blah and they're not going to kick me out for one time.
SO.....my question is this wise Mums....should the money stop completely and risk the s*%t hitting the fan AGAIN or carry on and just give the 'school reward' money and accept the weed issue for what it is...maybe it's just a phase (she said deluding herself..) He is not out of his head all the time by any means...but is quite obsessed by the whole weed thing....or what??? Any suggestions, from anyone with any more experience than us, gratefully received.
I know many of you might think...."just grow a pair" and do the obvious thing ie stop the cash and accept the consequences whatever they be. But unless you've walked a mile in my shoes and I'm sure many others of you may understand, it's not always that simple.....
My shoes, and my brain, are getting very worn out.....

Yes - stop giving him money! Take the fall-out. Of course he will be cross - you are stopping him getting his drugs. I'm sorry, but you do need to be tougher with him.

(And I have drug problems with my DS2 so you have my understanding and much sympathy)

It sounds like the more you try to trust him, the more he takes the piss.

You are completely justified in getting tough. No money. No treats. No leaving the house except for school.

If he gets aggressive, call the police. Hopefully, that would be enough of a shock to make him stop and think.

Good luck

I am so sorry. You must feel utter and complete despair.

I am trying to think what would maryz do (I know that sounds so sad, but she has been through the mire with this and has come out the other side).

I think yes that you need to stop giving him money, and to make sure that you and DH hide all your cash to remove temptation for him nicking it. Also I would watch your easily portable and cashable stuff (say like he might take a playstation to a pawn shop or something).

God knows how you can stop him wanting it - lkike you say he won't go to counselling as he sees nothing wrong in smoking weed.

Bloody hell though - what a NIGHTMARE it sounds.

I am guessing you have already tried the health tactics? What it can do to you?

I had a boyfriend in my teens who was practically impotent because he smoked so much weed. His mum knew about it but was so worried about him hating her she let him treat her like shit and took all the blame herself.

The fact that he couldn't keep it up was the only thing that bothered him about his weed smoking.

I really feel for you :(

Is there anything you can do to get him away from the suppliers and to wean him off the weed? Can you move?

Just woken up! He's gone...Thanks for all your replies... nice to know you're out there! Have really tried everything you all suggest...short of being rock hard and stopping the cash flow for any length of time.... I know we need to toughen up...its quite pathetic really...but always seem to crack as we see an improvement. This has been a pattern over the years since he was 7,8,9....we are probably responsible in a big way for how things are now. Empire S of M, I have considered even emigrating!! But older son in first year of A levels and my husband and I both work locally...I think he would seek out the sort of friends he has where ever we went?? And we are so tired of life revolving around him all the time...Hey Ho...keep calm and carry on eh? Cos there's bugger all else I can do....

We are also having problems with DS and weed. Had a year of trying different tactics from grounding with no money and no Internet which just seemed to inflame the situation to trying to give him more respect and freedom which didn't work either. He is now seeing a drugs counsellor thru school and has agreed to doing a drugs test at home randomly - if it's negative then we'll give him more freedom and respect but not sure where we'll go if it's positive! The worst thing is the total lack of trust we have now I'm not sure if we can ever rebuild it. I think it's a matter of just keep trying till they get the message - good luck!

It's very easy for me to sit hear and type that you shouldn't give him any money.

What you need to look at is playing the long game, and getting him to adult hood in the best state possible.

sorry, DH came hope, will try to post more later.

bluerach, I could almost have written this (although my son has so far mostly stayed away from the police, except when I have called them)...

I tried the 'no money' approach. I stuck to it for over 3 months on 2 separate occasions. It didn't work. Here are some of the things that happened when I did it:

He stole from me as often as he could manage it. I bought a cash box and had locks fitted to bedroom doors :( but frankly I wasn't able to be infallibly vigilant and there were always opportunities (for example, when I came home from work and rushed up to the loo... When he was out and I thought I could relax, but he came home...)

Once the 'stealing taboo' had been broken, he started to steal other things from me too - especially alcohol but also some 'treats' I bought or was given, like mothers' day chocs :(

He sold all sorts of things: DVD player, DVDs and computer games, my old mobile phone, my bottles of alcohol, hoodies, trainers, gift cards he got for Christmas...

He took money I gave him for fares to college and for lunch, didn't go, and used it to buy drugs instead.

He borrowed money from friends and 'paid them back' with items like DVDs and computer games, or with alcohol he stole from me.

He relied a lot on good will: his friends supplied him with drugs on an almost-daily basis. Because they are mostly young and their access to cash is limited, there seems to be an acceptance that everyone will be 'broke' sometimes, and if someone gets stuff free from his mates one day, that person will be in a position to 'pay it back' sooner or later.

He gained access to my savings account without my knowledge, and stole around £850 from me over a couple of months (presumably paying back all that 'good will') :( :(

He had been doing chores regularly for cash. When I withdrew money, he withdrew his 'labour'. He refused to do anything - even put his own dirty plates in the dishwasher.

He also had various attempts at 'bargaining'. He refused to go to school/college unless I paid him (his attendance plummeted), he refused to communicate/let me know where he was, etc...

I had no 'leverage'. Money is a big motivator for teens, but I could no longer bribe him.

We then got into a bleak spiral of ill-will and punishment: since I could no longer withdraw or restrict money - because I had already - I blocked his phone (I pay for a contract), stopped buying clothes and withdrew my own labour (no washing, no lifts, etc.), but that was about all I had left. It was horrible.

He had a sense of 'entitlement' and 'victimisation' - I was the mean, evil mother who wasn't giving him what was his by rights ("Everybody else's mum gives them...", "No-one else has to do jobs to get money...", etc.) so he was able to justify all sorts of bad behaviour and unpleasantness.

He was constantly angry with me (and I have to say the feeling was pretty mutual)... There was a lot more crashing and smashing and swearing. I had to call 999 on 3 occasions. :(

SO... I re-introduced money... While it was still term-time (he's finished for summer already ) I gave him £4/day - £2 for bus fares and the other £2 for lunch or whatever else he chose to spend it on. I now give him money for chores/jobs/attending college/effort. If he doesn't work, or doesn't make an effort, he doesn't get any.

I still have other safeguards in place: I keep money and valuables locked up. I do not give him money for clothes - I take him shopping...

He now also has a small part-time/casual job, so he has some independent income anyway... If he'd had that a couple of years earlier, all my other efforts at controlling his behaviour and drug use by controlling his cash would have been impossible

Ultimately, I feel withdrawing money didn't work to stop him taking drugs, and led to some other very undesirable behaviour as well; whereas giving him some money as a reward for effort is at least encouraging him to do some work, he doesn't 'have' to steal, his behaviour is a bit better and more settled, he is more motivated to go to college, and the anger-levels in our house are lower.

Btw, I am pretty sure I remember Maryz saying she gave her son money too, for similar reasons... So it must be right!

I think if you stopped giving money he would probably steal from somewhere else. You sound a lovely mum and I feel so sorry for you.

Bluerach36 hi it is lovely to read about exactly the same things we are going through. Havent really got much advice as we are just muddling through as best we can .Son who was 15 at end of april has exactly same view as your son it is just a plant it is going to be legalised etc. Personally i hate the stuff can now smell it from a mile away.Have banned it from the house but know he brings it in and rolls it then smokes it outside.God knows what the neighbours think. Son is also in referal unit which he is going to every day ,late most days and when i spend my usual hour trying to get him out of bed all i get is swearing and it isnt a school just a pupil referal unit.sons baby was born two and a half weeks ago so now have another added burden of getting him to see son he says he wants to see him then (he has seen him twice) spends just half an hour seeing him and goes off with his mates and smokes his dope.Find it really hard to say no to giving him money as he has stole from us before. He has also sold his ps3 for a bit of dope and anything else he has had has dissappeared.I go through periods of hope when i think he seems normal for a couple of days to despair when we have a bad couple of days. Me and his dad nearly split up a few weeks ago as dad flipped and told him he was a druggie and he didnt want to know him any more.
Like i told his dad he is only 14 you cant just throw him out on the streets.I am also at my wits end so hope reading this helps you feel less alone and if you find a miracle cure please tell me .

I think you can't persuade him that he wants to stop but you can try to cut off his supply by limiting cash, I do take flow4's point on this though.

DS stopped when he was ready when he had scared himself enough times, one of those horrible natural consequences that you hope never to have to see. It did help when we involved the police :(

You sound very sensible.

He is thinking like a teenager, and they do think differently. He probably doesn't think he will ever grow up and doesn't realise how damaging weed can be. Remember being 14/15/16 - you are invinsible, you can take on the world and your view is the only valid view.

OK the arguments against for him, it is not legal, if he is smoking it then he is risking all the problems of smoking tobacco. Weed smoked now is much stronger than it was in the 1970s.

Realistically I don't think you can stop him smoking but maybe you can negotiate some things - you say he is logical so here are some things to ask him.

If he goes to buy weed and the dealer doesn't have any but does have pills/ coke / something else what will he do?

Does he smoke it alone or with friends? Why? What does it make him feel?

Can he stop? Can he go odd days without the weed and/or tobacco? Maybe you could pay him another £1 for a day when he doesn't smoke.

Have you thought about getting him to give you £10 of weed and you dole it out each evening as you do with the tobacco?

Thank you Ladies!!! It really helped, I think, just to get my thoughts down yesterday...should have posted before maybe??!
And to open the laptop this morning and see that so many others of you are in the same boat gives me a sense of not being alone in this...some of you REALLY are on the same page as us!! Think I'd rather be a member of a more pleasant club than ours tho'??!!
I think the lady who mentioned just playing the long game is very insightful.... we can all just do the best that we can at the time,for what we think are the right reasons and get our children into adulthood in one piece without ending up in a straight jacket ourselves??!
Just one more of my motivational phrases to finish that I use to stop me grizzling too much...pass the sick bags round?!! .."Sunshine always follows the rain"....he got up today and went in happily....
.....until the next thing kicks off? (I'm not that daft!!!)

I just wanted to say that my son at 16 was smoking a lot of weed, and trying other stuff as well. He lied and probably stole from us to buy it too. Then he had a very scary experience when a friend of his had come to stay, DS gave him weed out in the woods and the friend had what they call a "white out", passed out, vomited etc. My son had a big struggle get him back home and care for him. Thankfully the friend recovered ,but the experience so unnerved my son he never touched the stuff again. He's 21 now.
We were lucky. I have so much sympathy for all of you going through this. My feeling is they need to have some self respect and self worth and to feel that there is a place for them in this world (not easy with unemploymnet etc) but that's why I agree that giving them money for chores or rewards probably wont make the situation worse and could help. Try to build their self esteem. Good luck and God bless

Just lost a long post that I missed Casualty to type . The important bits were:
don't blame yourselves, it is not productive
set boundaries, without consequences there is no incentive to change behaviour
do not keep the problem secret - why spare their blushes when they are making your life a misery?

Believe me I have learnt this through experience & through invaluable help & support from a charity called Iceni. They are based in Ipswich, but I'm sure if you phoned them, they would guide you to like outfits in your area.

Hi Maryz! So glad you're still around, has your DS moved on to another interest? Things improved massively for us when DS1 got a job.

I would add: don't use plastic bottles as bongs to your "stop long term damage" list.

Just to say thanks again everyone...if only there was a magic wand? Feel so tired today...familiar feeling of walking on egg shells has loomed large over the weekend. Gave my son £7 pocket money on Friday...£10, less £2 for "weed smoking school day" (?!) and less £1 for being sent home for smoking at break time on Friday. I was sure he owed money for weed to a friend.. sneaky text reading is my forte...so offered that he could make his money up by doing hoovering...which he did on Sunday.
Have been firm all weekend...that's good for us! and he's had no extra cash at all. Not sure if this is going to make things more unpleasant again or not?? He's certainly not best pleased but ok. I just said me and his Dad don't go to work to pay for him to smoke weed ALL week and drink cider...so if he chooses to spend his money in one hit on those things that's up to him. I said I'm more than happy to buy him cinema tickets, ice skating entry tickets etc....if only !....he used to do these things.
I must stop rambling now.
Thanks everyone.
And thanks for posting MaryZ....some of your postings in the past have really supported my husband and I when things have been really crappy and made us look at things from a different perspective...
Thanks Ladies

My son is older than all of yours he is 20 and alot of you would say to throw him out. he had a terrible last 3 years with mental health and addiction problems. The addiction was opiates and valium and there have been a few scary moments. whenever we stopped money he resorted to selling stuff and borrowing from friends. he got himself odd jobs and all money from whatever source went on drugs. We paid for rehab which cost a fortune and about 6 weeks after he was using again. However he was what I like to call a functional user. Missed about half of his last year at school but took his A levels and got AAB. We deferred his university place as he was in no fit state to cope away from home. He decided he did not want to do the degree he had the place for, took a chemistry A level in one year (still taking drugs throughout) and got an A.

Ok to cut a long story short until he made up his mind that he wasn't coping with ordinary life while taking drugs there was nothing we could do. Once he hit his 'rock bottom' he decided to stop. NA meetings very helpful.

He has been clean of opiates, valium and other 'strong stuff' for 4 months. BUT he is smoking weed daily. All his money goes on weed, he earns a bit and spends it on weed. He will start university in september and I hope that the new friends and doing the degree he really wants to do will give him a fuller life and the weed smoking will be cut down.

He says : it should be legal, not doing me or anyone else any harm etc etc.

Not sure that this post has helped anyone but myself. It is actually more difficult to control drug use of a functioning and very bright addict. He did start at the age of your sons (14/15), but I think it only went to strong stuff because of underlying mental health issues.

The one thing I can pass on is that stopping money has no affect at all and can make things worse. I wanted at all cost to avoid a police record which can end up with a parent feeling like they are funding a drug habit. Difficult place to be. The whole family was affected and part of his turn around was realising the problems he was causing for all of us.

All this period included NA meetings, regular therapy on a one to one basis and a few sessions of family therapy. Also I had to see a therapist to deal with the situation and to realise that I was not reponsible for his actions and had to pull away emotionally and let him make his own mistakes.

Wow that was the longest post I've ever done. never mind its cheaper than a therapy session !!

lm99, my son is 20 too, but started smoking dope when he was 14 & it just went on from there till it got out of hand. He started uni at 18, mainly because I was desperate for him to leave home, but wasn't ready & dropped out. Like your DS, he's starting uni in Sept, a course he really wants to do, so let's hope the 2 of them have learnt from their past experiences.

Bluerach - keep firm, it is only unpleasant until they realise you will not budge.