Where do we go from here ? What would you do ???? HELP !!!

[Tillyboo]

What would you do with a nearly 17yo girl (niece) who ...

1. Has a temper like you wouldn't believe when things don't go her way
2. Has physically attacked her own mother, punching & kicking and ripping clothes
3. Kicks out damaging things in the house
4. Self harms with scissors etc.. (not badly but enough to scar her arms)
5. Has no confidence or self esteem, fears the real world & fears growing up
6. Refuses to go to college or find work
7. Verbally abuses her mum, calling her a F'ing whore etc.

Parents are divorced, my niece lives full time with her weak father & new wife. Mother tries to discipline & lay down rules but the father won't face any of the issues and lets her get away with blue murder.
Father lets her spend her day on the computer in a virtual world of friends & a boyfriend. It's just not healthy !!!

Last night things kicked off and I had to dash over as my sister's as her daughter (who was staying for the day) pummeled her with punches & kicks & then locked herself in the bathroom with a pair of scissors. I was all for ringing the police but my sister wouldn't let me.

The reason all this happened was because my sister asked my neice to get off the computer as it was late.

Doctors said they can't do anything unless my neice agrees to speak to someone which of course she won't. Point blank refuses to speak to anyone about her feelings, refuses to see a child councellor etc.

What do we do ??? My sister is absolutely at her wits end distraught over all this & seems to hit a brick wall with any help out there.

I hate to say this, but your sister is a victim of domestic abuse, and she must phone the police. From what you say, it could escalate to the point where your sister could end up seriously injured. I speak from experience, as I have been on the receiving end from DD(15 yo), it ended up with her going into care- I'm still struggling with this , but things couldn't carry on.
The alternative is that your niece shouldn't be allowed to be with your sister alone. Her problems sound very similar to my DD, she needed support from CAMHS (adolescent mental health services) and it sounds like your niece needs similar. Maybe you could have a word with the husband and point out that he is making the situation worse by ducking out of his responsibilities.

I agree with Brightspark that your sister is experiencing domestic abuse and should phone the police if your niece ever attacks or threatens to attack her again. I have also been in this situation with my son (now age 17), and each time it happened, I dialled 999. The third time, I made a statement and he was arrested and charged with assault and criminal damage. As I have said to him, I can't stop him, so he needs to stop himself - and if he doesn't, then I have to get someone who will.

I can't tell you what to do to help your niece or make her behave better (if I knew, I'd have a perfect son by now )... But I can tell you that your sister needs to look after herself - in the sense of protecting herself and by being kind to herself. My experience is that once a young person gets to this point, there is nothing at all you can do to stop or change their bad behaviour - they have to do it themselves and all you can do is keep giving consistent 'moral messages' about their behaviour... But meantime, you (or in this case your sister) have/has to survive, and it is very tough. You need nice things - treats, positive experiences, etc. - to help you deal with the sh*t.

As her sister, I'd say focus on her if you can - take her out to a sauna, buy her cake, sit and knit together, go to the gym, whatever 'floats her boat': do some things that you know she likes, as often as you can. I have a couple of friends who have done this for me, and it has kept me from going over the edge.

Oh and maybe get her to join mumsnet?! :)

Thank you so much for the responses, very helpful & supportive. I too was on the verge of calling the police but my sister just couldn't allow it. I understand the heartbreak she is in, dobbing your child into the police, possible criminal record etc. is a massive thing to do. She's her baby - & I think therein lies some of the problem ?
Until my niece accepts she has to get help in whichever form that may be, I can see her changing.

My sister has taken the step of not allowing her daughter home for a while & certainly not with her laptop. My sister will have to lock her laptop away when any visits happen too.

• 'can't see her changing ....

In the area I live, the police have a policy of not criminalising teenagers by giving them a criminal record which can compound the problems as it would make it hard to get a job. Instead they use a restorative justice scheme which concentrates on making them think hard about the consequences of their actions and the fact that they need to take responsibities for their own actions. Getting the police involved might also fast track the help your niece needs.
Look after your sister, she will need your unconditional support and love.