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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

What do you think?

6 replies

wrathomum · 15/05/2012 11:06

DD (age 15)'s BF (age 17) of a few months is, in my DH's words, "evasive". IMO, regardless of what he says, you never know what he's really thinking and his own mum agrees that he's "difficult to read".

She's very supportive of him going out with my DD and very welcoming. IMO she spoils DD's BF (and his sister) terribly (not with material things, but by waiting on them hand and foot basically).

Recently she asked DD's BF's father to move out of the family home. Which he did. She openly criticises him in front of DD's BF and seems to stoke his anger with his father and his decision to avoid contact with him.

I got the impression that the reason she's apparently so pleased that my DD's seeing her son is that neither he nor she have many friends. Which makes me suspicious. Maybe it's because IMO they're outspoken about people.

Also, she told me that she and her family are non-practising white witches and some of them have 'healing hands'!!! (I think DD's BF is embarrassed by this). And that she has a very poor relationship with her very troubled, consequently difficult sibling.

She asked my DD to go to her mum's recent funeral to "support" DD's BF which my DD did. BF cried on her shoulder and was profuse with his thanks for her going.

Very recently BF has chopped and changed arrangements with my DD. Once fairly last minute so that he could go on an organised outing with his classmates (which DD had originally encouraged him to go to anyway). She didn't mind and appreciates that he's had a tumultous two months.
She's just finished her (scottish) exams. His start this week and finish in a fortnight so she's not expecting to see him much before then and he told her he's going to take her out to dinner and a movie when they're done. She has other friends and interests anyway.

Mercifully, this tale is nearly done.....

My problem is that he's not straightforward with her, eg (in spite of being so busy) he invited her to his house yesterday - with the proviso that he'd got through enough study first. He subsequently texted her saying he was stressed out with all the study he had to do and would have to 'skip' their evening. (Which DD completely understood). But then during their evening texting when she asked him what he was doing (often he tells her he's "chilling") he told her he was at his archery club!

My DD hangs on his word IMO - he compliments her on her clothes etc, but he also makes grand claims like that he'll persuade his mum to include him on her car insurance when he passes his driving test so that he can drive my DD home, collect her for dates etc. (I'll believe it when I see it). DD seems to think he want's to drive MAINLY so he can take her out in the car... She's so innocent.

Advice or perspective would be very appreciated.

OP posts:
flow4 · 15/05/2012 11:42

As you've described it here, it all sounds very unremarkable. Unless you've got a concern you haven't mentioned, I'd say don't worry. 17 yo boys (I have one) just are a bit chaotic, inconsistent and unreliable, talk nonsense a lot, make ridiculous claims (generally optimism and foolishness rather than lies!) and often communicate badly. Grin Your daughter probably knows this better than you do (being a similar age herself), which maybe why it doesn't seem to bother her...
You may have reservations about his mum, but we can't choose our children's boy/girlfriends for them, let alone their BF/GF's parents, so I think you'll just have to let that one go!

Hassled · 15/05/2012 11:47

It all sounds overly complicated for the sort of first love teenage romance she should be having - and yes, I think you're right to be braced for problems in the future.

But there is nothing you can do - keep her talking to you, keep the communication going, don't slag him off but gently point out any obvious messing her about, and be there to pick up the pieces when/if it goes tits up.

AMumInScotland · 15/05/2012 11:58

It's normal for you to feel protective, and to think he's unreliable, but he doesn't sound any worse than average for a teenage boy TBH (and I've got a boy myself so I don't think I'm biased against them...) Chances are she'll drift away from the relationship soon enough, it doesn't sound exactly obsessive on either side. Just avoid too much criticism (and if you have to say something, stick with criticising the behaviour and not the person) so you don't make it "him or family", which only fuels the self-dramatising that all teens seem prone to at times.

At this age, it's often that they want to have a boyfriend, rather than being head-over-heels for this specific boy, and they drift along not either getting serious or splitting up till something external pushes them one way or the other. If he's finishing school this summer, he'll likely drift away a bit anyway.

wrathomum · 15/05/2012 20:42

Thankyou for your comments on boys who're 17. I don't know any others.....
One minute he's giving her lovely gifts for Easter. The next he's being slightly weird. I can't keep up.
Don't you think his mum was asking a lot from my DD to go to BF's gran's funeral and spend the whole day with them? DD was happy to do it, though she was a bit nervous, but still....?
BF's going to go to uni in our home town - he'll be living at home which is a great pity IMO. If he's had enough of my DD I wish he'd just get on and finish it. (I'll be extremely upset for my DD as she'll be bitterly disappointed.)

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RubyFakeNails · 15/05/2012 21:00

You haven't really said what exactly you're concerned about so I'm not really sure what your asking. He sounds a typical 17 year old boy, they blow hot and cold all the time. Also being 'evasive' is how lots of them come across, especially when your used to talking to adults or your own children you know. He's probably just typical awkward teen, not wanting to embarrass himself and say the wrong thing.

About the funeral I guess it was a bit intense but as you said it was her mums funeral perhaps she just couldn't cope with it all and as you said he doesn't have many friends felt she had no one else to ask. If your DD was fine with it, bit of a non issue.

I do think perhaps you need to take a back seat with the whole thing, you do sound very involved in it all. Things like being at archery but saying he's somewhere else really in my opinion shouldn't be of much interest to you. Teens will have the ups and downs and the dramas over everything. I found unless there is a major incident/event keeping it all at arms length is the best bet. If your DD wants to talk it through then do so but don't get yourself wound up about it.

wrathomum · 15/05/2012 22:06

Unusually, they haven't sent each other any texts today. (Apparently DD is deliberately not being the one to initiate it today, after her little disappointment of yesterday.) Normally I'm complaining about the amount of texting they/she does..... Oh dear :(
Little sod.... grrrrrr.

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