12 yr old teen embarrassment issues - how to handle

[FjordMor]

What age does it become appropriate to exempt teens from family outings? My 12 year old DSD is refusing to be seen with us anywhere that is conceivable she might run into someone from school (and throwing tantrums at the suggestion) including all of town - which will raise some clothes buying issues soon as we are not willing to send her into town on her own with money at this stage. We don't know whether to empathise with her 'pain' but insist she still come on certain family outings or whether it's time to exempt her on all but special occasions (family 'dos') and encourage her to organise things with her friends instead? She'll be 13 in November. She's fairly mature for her age but has not been trustworthy recently since the 'teen' thing started (recently pretending she was going places with a friend and that girl's parents - both lying - going alone with the friend and getting into a spot of bother with a situation they couldn't handle so we eventually found out).

I'm mean, Mum reserves the right to .

My 11 yo hates this, 14 yo couldn't careless.

Not at 12 that's for sure! Life's tough & isn't fair - perfect time to learn that lesson. All parents are embarassing, she'll get over it! Also, teens protest a lot at 'having to do family stuff' but generally secretly quite enjoy it, don't deprive her of that or the opportunity to whinge about it!

I think 12 is very young for that?
Well my 16 year old isn't exempt, but then it would probably not occur to him to ask to be excluded from family stuff.
He is happy to walk around town with me, particularly if I am buying him clothes or a Greggs muffin.

I feel you had your answer all along in your question, as in do a bit of both - leave her be and only take her out for necessities/special occasions and yes, definitely encourage here to find friends to do things with. I see it as rather normal teen behaviour.

It's time to tell her the truth.

It's far more embarrassing for anyone to be seen in the company of a teenager. And you're too discreet to list the reasons why.

I think I need more specifics on what kind of outings.
And how long, and how she will spend her time otherwise. Sounds like you don't trust her.
If you mean, everyone else wants to go to the beach/park/picnic/cinema/softplay/cafe & she doesn't, I would be minded to try to let her opt out, but depends on factors mentioned.

I would leave even 10yo DD alone for up to 2 hours if she didn't want to come shopping-minor errands (DH thinks more than half-hour is dodgy, though he would happily leave DS alone for much longer at same age ). DD only has one friend she might go out with, anyway, & she carries her phone like religion (as does the friend).

I might leave 12yo DS at home for up to, I dunno, 4-8 hours? On rare occasions, with frequent phone calls to check on him, whilst I'm out with other DC/errands. But he doesn't socialise with anyone locally & just plays games & bakes cakes (carefully, takes great pride in them).

I agree with Miss Faversham - you can't give a blanket rule, it depends on the occasion.

DS (13) now does some of his clothes shopping by himself or with a friend or cousin, but puts up with me coming into Topman with him sometimes since I have the credit card. He'll also come to gigs & festivals with me (he's too young to go by himself), and even sometimes on a country walk with the dog etc, but spends a lot of weekend and holiday time out and about with his friends.

As for family occasions, if we have friends or relatives staying, I make sure that he at least spends some time with us all, but don't prevent him from seeing his friends all weekend.

The lying and trust issues are separate - maybe you need to have a chat about how you can only give her more independence and freedom if she shows she can be responsible and trustworthy? But I am sure every teenager lies to their parents at some stage about where they are going and who they are with - I know I did. It's just a question of whether they can actually be trusted not to behave stupidly.

I agree that you can't have a blanket rule. Clothes shopping would be with me, I have the credit card, but supermarket shop they could stay at home alone. Family holidays would have to come, but willing to go for days out, as long as she has alternative e.g with a friend with friend's mother's agreement.
Any lying about whereabouts and all negated- if she wants to be treated as older she has to behave in a more mature manner.

Also agree there is no blanket rule, have gone through this phase with DD1 & DS1 and also remember my own feeling towards being seen with parents. Some things she can be exempt from she's not a baby anymore but other things she may have to do due to practicalities e.g. you have the credit card.

Also special occasions require her participation but if its nothing special and she's nonplussed about it all I wouldn't force her to. Just breeds resentment and with teens you have to pick your battles. Forcing her to go on some day out to wherever and spending ages arguing usually ruins the outing, puts all in a bad mood and isn't worth it. Fight when its important things like her lying to you.

Great answers - I think you're all right that it's a 'it depends' scenario rather than cut & dry.

thirdhill - lol was my thoughts exactly for a retort on the weekend. Wish she knew how embarrassing it is to be with a teen sitting there covering her face on public transport .

ragged - The outings are ones we have planned as treats for them; things we know they enjoy. In this case, the trip was to the cinema & her favourite restaurant on a Saturday night that she didn't have anything else planned. If it was daytime we don't mind leaving her - she has a key and a phone and knows the neighbours. It was supposed to be a treat for her and her sister - something she normally enjoys (did the last time we did it a couple of months ago) and probably would without us there...

Ruby - agree, that was kind of how it went - miserable. (I also remember how I felt about my parents but don't remember feeling this until 14/15 - I do empathise; just exasperated that it's so young!) I wish we hadn't bothered but I think her mother would have gone spare if we'd left her for a whole evening all alone and she hadn't got a treat and it didn't seem fair to deprive the little one who was really up for it.

exoticfruits - what you suggest is more or less in line with my intuitive thinking on this. Hopefully her father will agree. We're happy to exempt her from daytime trips other than to see family/grandparents and she never has to come to the supermarket etc.

I'm wondering if you are actually, really embarrassing, FjordMor.

Oh yes, I think I am Angibolen - I'm pregnant

Oh no, that is the MOST embarassing thing EVER! How could you do that to that poor child? You might have been better wearing a hat that said 'I SHAGGED YOUR DAD'

You can't be more embarrassing than that FjordMor- as noteventhebestdrummer says!

12? Bugger that! I'd tell her not to be so ridiculous. If she won't come, she won't come, but there'd be no sympathy from me. I'd buy her clothes on my own and bring them home for her to try them on.

Actually, I'm now struggling to think of ANY age where I'd be sympathetic and accommodating to this kind of nonsense. Mine are 11 and 13 btw, in case you think I only have toddlers and will soon learn...

Hi, my youngest dd is 12 too and considers being out with us (50 somethings parents) the height of embarrassment. We live near a small town, (You cant walk down the high street without bumping into someone you know and neither can she) so she has been allowed to go shopping in the one high street for the last few months, but always with friends and her mobile charged and on. To start with I would be nearby, either in other shops or having coffee and would meet her after 30 mins then an hour. As she learnt the importance of meeting up with me on time and to spend her money wisely, I have given her more rope and she is allowed more time with friends in town.
She is still expected to join us for a family meal out etc but does find it embarrassing if she sees anyone she knows (tough!) We also buy most clothes online. She is happy to be left home alone for a few hours now (we have 2 dogs which helps a bit) as long as I ring and check she is Ok and she can contact me.
I remember being acutely embarrassed by my parents its very normal. :)

As everyone else has said, depends on what you mean by 'family outing'. I don't think any of mine have been on what could be described as a "family outing" since they were old enough to be left home alone for a bit.

If I need to get them some clothes, then I just take them specifically for that purpose - there's no pleasure in trailing round the shops with a family for several hours.
At 12, if they go to the cinema, then they would be going with their friends.
I mean, if it were a family occasion - wedding, christening, grandparent special birthday or anniversary then that's non- negotiable, but I don't see why anyone would want to drag a teen/pre-teen with them when it's not compulsory.

we're going through this stage now too.

To be fair to my DD I don't think she's embarrassed to be seen with me or DH, most of her friends have been together since 5yrs old so they know what we look like already. Sometimes she just really doesn't want to come. period pain, tired, homework etc. We have a 2hr rule at the moment. If its likely to be longer she comes or an arrangement is made with a suitable adult. Shopping, I have the credit card so she's switched on to the fact if she has £20 to spend if I'm around it could be £30 but if she's alone woth her friends she buys what she needs (jeans, new hairband etc)

I have a gap between my 2 so understandably she doesn't want to come to soft play but she's not savvy enough to be left a whole afternoon / day yet so we negotiate outings.

She's allowed
cinema with friends (dropped off, pickled up)
swimming (as above)
Stay in the house, door locked phone charged and me easily contactable.

And yes at 10yrsshe came home from school saying NOW EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH DAD

Sure I'll feel the same way knowing my little girl is having sex when she gets pregnant at 30.

exoticfruits, noteventhebestdrummer & scotlass - I'm sure you're right about me virtually wearing a huge sign saying 'I have sex with your dad' in her eyes. She will have to get over that in her own way though as surely me having a small baby, then toddler etc. will still be a 'sign' of that. DP is confident she will feel differently in a couple of months - we'll have to see how long it takes to stop being such a mortification (she's still at the stage of saying 'yuck' if she sees simulated sex on tv or in films).

jomojomum - I do remember feeling like that too - just not that young. I do empathise and it's a normal part of growing up I guess but how to practically manage it is the thing. We are under pressure from her biological mum to 'be with them all the time' and 'take them out' when we have them as she feels otherwise it isn't worth us having part custody. She thinks what's the point of spending time over here if they're not going to be with their Dad? I guess DP needs to discuss with her that one of her daughters has grown out of needing to spend that much time with a parent. We do need to be with the 10 yr old a lot though as she's really still enjoying doing things with us and seems to need the greater involvement.

scotlass - sounds like you're handling it really well and I actually just put your 'system' to DP who said it sounds very sensible and I think we'll give something almost exactly along those lines a try so thank you. I think our real complicating problem is the girls' mother's expectations of what we should be doing and balancing that with a realistic appraisal of understanding and doing the right thing by this young teen. Personally I think DP needs to coordinate the 'rules' with his ex wife more so we're all being consistent or I think we all set ourselves up for problems and one confused kid. I think everyone was worried that with me having a baby she'd feel 'left out' attention-wise but we have to find a way to balance that with her needs as a teen. She's getting a lot of attention from dad and comfort for her teen angst when we're all home together.

She will be quite different when the baby is here- or I imagine she will.

fjordMor you'll get there I'm sure.

DD has been pretty vile this week so the less we're together the better but she's rallied round as the imminent birthday party is currently confiscated

Obviously I can share my experience of the gap in years but have no experience of dealing with DSC. From friends who have it seems pretty common that as the kids reach teenage years contact with the parents become challenging when actually they don't want to spend their time with anyone other than their friends. I think it's important your DH and her mum respect her wishes if possible and try and come to an amicable arrangement of exemptions to the normal.

It can be a challenge giving a young child and teen even amounts of attention, I'm sure I fail regularly but I do talk to DD about it and try and do stuff just us to make up for it. Depends if she's a baby person or not will depend how much she wants to be involved. Toddler years have been a challenge but my 2 adore each other and although fight at times actually love spending time together.

Thanks scotlass. I do feel encouraged by you that we will work this all out. I think you're right about DP and his ex honouring her wishes a bit. I'll hopefully persuade him to talk this out with her soon. Meanwhile, we've given her a lot of rope this weekend but DSD2 did feel a little bereft going to the beach just with us this afternoon (she hadn't brought her phone to contact a friend) and didn't really understand why she couldn't do whatever her sister was doing. We've negotiated the weekend so hopefully we'll find a way to keep everyone as happy as is possible, including encouraging DSD2 to invite a friend round/bring a friend along on 'family' outings so she doesn't feel left out with what her sister's doing.