advice please

[DIYMum]

Looking for advice following a terrible weekend.
My daughter is 18 and due to go to Uni in Sept (A level results permitting).
She and my husband are at each other's throats cotinually over what we are expected to pay. She will get a loan to cover her living costs but we will need to pay around £4,500 PA for accommodation - I personally see this as something we just have to accept - it is not her fault that this is what the Govt expect us to fork out, however H feels differently.
Each time there is an issue re her behaviour (and she is not all that bad - can be a bit moody at times and cheeky at times, but generally tows the line) H starts with 'I am not prepared to fund you through Uni if you show me no respect - I would rather you left home and got a job' (he really means it - not just idle threats) - ends in tears and tantrums form her and me feeling in the middle as I would never deny her an education which I believe should be her right.
Last night was the last straw - another row over nothing much - she called a teacher of hers a 'bitch' - he took umbirdge at her language and then went on to use the 'f' word - she pointed out that he is a hypocrite - he flew off the handle and after a great deal of shouting and swearing over 'respect' and the usual Uni costs - she was sent to her room.
H continued to brew on the situation - complaining that I did not back him up -pointed out that I wouldn't as I don't agree with him. He flies upstairs - gets her out of bed and asks her to pack a bag and leave, meanwhile has her couring in a corner in tears as he basically shouts at and bullies her (he has been aggressive toward all of us at one time or another), I intervene and tell him that he has gone too far and she will not be leaving. Dtr and me end up in tears - he storms off to bed.
Gets up this morning without a word and goes off to work.
This has been going on for weeks now and I am at the end of my tether - could really do with some advice - feels like I have been put in a position of choosing between my daughter and my husband. At the moment I would rather he went than her.

Can she suggest to him that she will get a job as well? And pay towards it that way.

She already has a PT job and has been saving toward Uni - is not going on holiday over the summer so that she can work extra hours and save this too - and has already said she is happy to find work once she is settled - as you can imagine she is keen to move away from home under the circumstances and I full support her in this - staying at home would be a nightmare for all of us.

Sorry but the key part is : "he has been aggressive toward all of us at one time or another".
I think this tells you all you need to know. He is being unreasonable, he is being a bully.

What exactly is your DH hoping to achieve? If he throws your DD out during her A levels then she's does so badly that he doesn't have to pay for her to go to university?

I think you need to get him on his own and say that you need to work out a proper budget of what university will cost and that he needs to stop tormenting your poor DD over this. If you genuinely can't afford it then you need to have a rational talk about what is reasonable to give her. We have two DD's at university and we haven't given them anywhere near £4,500 each and they can only borrow the minimum maintenance loan.

The other issue is much deeper and that is the fact that his behaviour is appalling.

I feel sorry for you OP, you are in a really difficult situation.

It sounds as though the problem lies with your husband, not your daughter. He seems to have control and anger management issues. At 18 your daughter is an adult, not a child, and should not be spoken to like this, especially as she has done very little to provoke it.

Might he be stressed at the thought of trying to find the money to give her? Has he always been aggressive like this, or is it more recently?

I am afraid I have little advice to give, but my heart goes out to you. Please stay strong for your daughter.

Thanks Mummytime - you're right there are more issues here than just the Uni costs - this just seems to have brought it all to a head.

Thanks folks - it is good to hear that I'm not the only one who thinks H is being unreasonable - will need to have an adlut dicussion this evening about HIS behaviour and stop these arguments.
Would welcome advice re budgeting for Uni as the loan of £3,250 she has been offered I would expect only to cover her living expenses - the £4,500 we were expecting to shell out will only cover her accommodation in halls.

DD2 is just about to finish her first year. Her self catering halls were around £3800 for the year, her loan covered this and we topped up the balance of around £600. We have given her £200 a month for 9 months to live on which has been fine and she hasn't had any problems managing. We've paid a deposit on next years house and will help her out with the rent for that over the summer.

My friend paid for her DD's accommodation and let her live off the maintenance loan. Her DD has so much money left over she has used it to pay for tickets for three festivals over the summer. My friend now has this face

Thanks Webwiz

• thats really useful, some of the Unis we visited gave us a scare at what they estimated students would need to live on - sounds like your D is managing to live fairly frugally but still surviving.

We just did a budget - food/travel/books/entertainment and said to both DD's if it wasn't enough money to let us know. Both of them seem to be managing perfectly well and all their friends are in the boat.

I really feel for her he is going to taint her experience of this whole time of her life which is all about growing up and finding out who she is what she wants to do etc. I think you need to seriously talk to him about his relationship with her as he could destroy it now for the future. She sounds a lovely girl

You're right - I can see that she is starting to resent him - which is probably why she shows him little respect. He doesn't seem to care that there is an ever-growing rift between them. He has not spoken to his own father for around 5 years and I can see their relationship going the same way. It breaks my heart when there are all these rows as she is gettign ever more desperate to leave - but rather than it being a positive step it is going to be a tauma.

What were they like when she was little?

We pay most of DD2's rent she pays the rest and all bills. We paid all of her halls in the first year. She certainly did not have enough left over to buy tickets for festivals. She had a job last year and has got another one this year both jobs being from March to the end of October. She is finishing uni in a few weeks and is trying to
work out a budget so she can stay up there. You OH is being very unreasonable and you need to sit down and talk to him.

Sadly, lots of us will be in your position next year and beyond. If the DC are not entitled to full loans, then the parents HAVE to pay for the shortfall. Not everyone will be able to :-( We luckily CAN afford to and yet my DH too uses this as a big stick with which to beat our 18yo daughter (emotionally, I mean). I think helping DC financially through Uni is just something that is a parent's duty now, and you cannot expect anything in return. It so should not be that way. All DC should be entitled to a full loan and be independent of their (possibly unreasonable) parents.

Good luck. Sorry, no real advice. I suspect lots of mid income DC will not be going to Uni in future, if for whatever reason their parents can't afford/ choose not to top up their maintenance amounts.

I agree that if you are going to help to fund university then it has to be with no strings attached. DCs are caught in the unfortunate position of being on the one hand expected to be adults and on the other expected to be reliant on parents.

I feel for your DD OP - is she worried that she won't be able to go to university?

This is so sad.

I don't really have a suggestion re the finances but what he is doing is terrribly bullying. Hauling her out of bed, telling her to pack bags and your dd crying in the corner - that is heartbreaking. Your poor dd must feel terrible and there you are stuck in the middle. Noddy is right - this is really going to ruin her last memories of being at home, and if it carries on I don't see how her relationship with her dad won't be affected forever.

He needs to know that he can't carry on being such a spiteful bully. Poor dd.

I am pretty sure that without our support she could not afford Uni. The 'sqeezed middle' are going to suffer due to this system - we are relatively lucky as I think we probably can stretch to support D but there must be plenty of people with big mortgages who will not be able to afford it. With the loan not even covering accommodation costs those kids who's parents cannot or will not provide support will be stuffed.
Just had a long conversation with OH and I think I might be getting somewhere. Admits he has been getting a bit obsessed with money and shouldn't be bringing it up all of the time.
Here's hoping!!!!!
Thanks for all the support.

Well that's a step in the right direction DIYMum - my DH has a bit of a money fit now and then (he starts ranting about how long people spend in the shower and lights left on) but he doesn't ever do it about funding education.

I think you need to keep on taking your DD's side and stop him getting so het up about it.