Smoking

[dontsufferfools]

My 15 year old DS has just told me that he is smoking. I have always had an open, honest relationship with my DS and he approached me and told me that he has been smoking for a while and wanted me to know.

I am devastated.

But I don't know how to handle it. I am a laid back parent. Not much fazes me. I smoked myself at 14 so know that it goes on and sooo remember being a teenager! I have had a frank conversation with him telling him how disappointed I am with him and all of the pitfalls of smoking but not really sure where to go from here. I am adverse to punishing him because I feel that he will continue to smoke regardless but feel that I need to let him know that I am not condoning this sort of behaviour.

I am now questioning my parenting skills. I feel like I have always given him credit for being clued up enough to think before he acts and have always encouraged honesty and openness.

For example he has a long time girlfriend and we are very open about sex and the precautions he must take, if and when he feels the need. I don't want it to sound like I encourage this behaviour, I simply don't, but I want him to know that he can talk to me about anything and I want to appear approachable. But now I think maybe I have been too laid back. And he has mistaken approachability for acceptability.

Any advice would be gratefully received in how to handle this situation,

I tell my students it will shrink their man parts then show them lots of pictures of diseased lungs. As an ex smoker I also tell them how stupid I was starting in the first place and how much I miss it until I smell it on them.

My mum when she found out was clear she was upset but also didn't hassle me. She was really supportive when I quit.

How can 15 year old's afford to smoke? It costs a fortune. I'm not sure what you can do to stop him though. If you had been really strict he would have probably still smoked but just not told you.

Hey dontsufferfools, don't know if this helps. But maybe just asking him to do some research about smoking and then having a chat about what he found out, why he smokes and how it makes him feel so at least he is taking that responsibility and you don't feel like you're lecturing him. This might be a good place for him to start: www.cutfilms.org/badstuff

But whatever happens, a lot of young people will try smoking and it's not to do with your parenting, they are just curious.

It's a good thing that he can come and talk to you about stuff, though obviously you would prefer it if he didn't smoke.

If he were mine, I'd ban smoking in the house and tell them that if I ever had to pick up a fag butt from the garden they'd be banned from smoking out there too. I'd also start getting him to do his own laundry as his clothes will reek of it and no doubt he'll go through more clothes now.

Its good he talked to you about it, maybe he's just testing boundaries by seeing your reaction. Its a typical teen thing to do, I did it and I know DD1 and DS (both 16) both occasionally smoke. So don't feel devastated its not a parenting failure in any way.

If its a regular thing:

I would be interested in how he's paying for it. Is he using money which is actually for other things, lunch etc.

Would absolutely not allow smoking in the house, I would not want to see him smoking and would say if I smell smoke on him he has to shower, change and brush teeth.

Think asking him to do research is a great idea, just explain you want him to be sure about his choice and get him to read up and report back to you. This might put him off.

my 16 year old dd told me she was smoking when she was 14,i said how dissapointed i was in her ,but i was 15 when i started(even though i stopped 4 years ago) ive told her i dont like her doing it and reminder her then when she was younger she was forever telling me i had black lungs,now shes a teenager it means nothing,as we all know teenagers think they know best,beats me where they get the money to buy them

I started smoking when I was 11 , not unusual back then and In the area I grew up in.
It WAS NOT a reflection of my upbringing I tried it, liked it and continued.

as much as its tempting to say your disappointed if he finds out you smoked at 14 you will look like a hypocrite and ultimately loose respect from him.

Have you tried asking him why?

other than that all you can do is set firm rules, i.e I knew to never , EVER smoke in the house. smoking does not make you a bad person.

What might be interesting is to take a different tack. Lots of young people know that smoking is bad for their health. And they don't see the immediate impact. Although this is a slightly eeeek film (warning the sound effects are realistic!)- competition.cutfilms.org/Video/View/2559596d-6793-4fe2-a88d-243671ef8778

Or maybe talk to them about how the tobacco industry is just taking them for a mug. Doesn't work for everyone but some young people might find it how scary it is to get addicted and that really that is the long term aim for tobacco marketing.

Unfortunately it is nice to smoke but being honest about this is good.