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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

15 yr old going out (at night) advice

22 replies

Gravelly · 10/05/2012 20:38

My 15 yr old daughters just been invited to her first house party. She tells me it's from 7pm-2am (not sure I believe this) and is on the other side of town (about £14 in taxi).
I don't want to stop her going as I realise at some point she'll start going out/drinking etc, and she is very sensible (well most of the time!)
We've talked a lot about drugs/alcohol/peer pressure/boys etc- and I've told her she won't be taking alcohol with her. I can't control what she does there, but have said 'think of it as a trial run-come home really drunk (I've advised that over 2 will get her drunk), and it will be the last.'
I've told her I think 12 is a more reasonable curfew (which she agrees), but I'd like some advice on what questions to ask and rules to lay out.
So what do other people do?
Especially about
Curfew times?
Getting home?
Questions about the party.

OP posts:

sugarice · 10/05/2012 20:44

Tell her not to leave an unattended drink then go back to it in case of spiking. Not sure how relevant at a house party but something I've told ds1 to be aware of when he's out. Texting you when she gets in taxi to come home is another thing I insist upon.

Geranium3 · 10/05/2012 20:58

Book a taxi in advance and warn her not to just get into a car that purports to be a taxi.
If at all possible,if you know your dd will be travelling back home alone, i would prefer to go and collect her, especially if you can negoiate curfew time to the earlier time of 12
to your question "what do other people do", i think the answer is that you never stop worrying, oh the joy of parenting!!

Coconutty · 10/05/2012 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

igetcrazytoo · 10/05/2012 21:09

i would ask if theres any adult supervision. I would be unhappy if the parents were not going to be around. Some teenagers see a party just as an excuse to get completely out of their heads. Find out how much booze the host is laying on.

2 am is late, but asking her to leave early if all her friends are staying will be a hard ask for her.

Do you know any of the friends, who the host teenager is?

I agree that you can use it as a trial run and tell her what you expect her to drink, and she either agrees or doesn't go. If she wants to go to the party for the vibes and fun - then not getting rat-faced should'nt be an issue.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 10/05/2012 21:14

I wouldn't have a 15 year old coming home alone in a taxi. DD2 is 15 and either stays over (but I'm pretty sure she hasn't been to any parties with alcohol yet - dd1 is 17 and has only really started drinking this year). We'd pick her up (though that would probably mean going there in a taxi ourselves, as we don't drive) and deffo no later than 12, more likely 11 tbh. If it HAD to be a taxi, I'd negotiate for one of her friends to sleepover here, so that two of them were coming back together and I would ring for the taxi earlier myself and get her to phone us on getting into it.

Annunziata · 10/05/2012 21:41

I'm sorry, you want your fifteen year old to get drunk and come home by herself?!!! I don't know what the hell you're expecting her to do- go, neck her drinks and then calmly phone a taxi? I would let my DD go if I was dropping her off and picking her up at the arranged time and I sure as hell would not be tolerating drinking to get drunk.

colditz · 10/05/2012 21:44

Book her a taxi for twelve. Warn her that if she does not get into that taxi, you will be turning up in your fluffly pj's with a facepack and curlers in, and you WILL insist on coming in and joining in all the revelry.

colditz · 10/05/2012 21:46

"I'm sorry, you want your fifteen year old to get drunk and come home by herself?!!! I don't know what the hell you're expecting her to do- go, neck her drinks and then calmly phone a taxi?"

Re-read the OP, Annunziata. You have completely the wrong end of the stick,.

MadameChinLegs · 10/05/2012 21:48

Up until I was 16, the following rules were (for me)
*I would be picked up (parents would happily collect me by stealth, parking round the block so as not to ruin my street cred)
*Parents wanted the address and telephone numebr of where I was goign to be (so they had contact details for the parents shoudl anything untoward happen)
*I could stay as late as the party was due to finish but the aove rules were always set
*I was not permitted to drink (which meant I only ever drank enough to get away with still appearing sober)
*I was told if I ever drank that they knew of at a house party I woudl be banned from all future house parties whilst still at school.

MadameChinLegs · 10/05/2012 21:48

Sorry, that should say 17

Annunziata · 10/05/2012 21:52

Yes, 12 is more reasonable But I really do not understand "think of it as a trial run, get really drunk and don't do it again."

colditz · 10/05/2012 22:00

"'think of it as a trial run-come home really drunk (I've advised that over 2 will get her drunk), and it will be the last."

colditz · 10/05/2012 22:02

It's a trial run, if she comes home really drunk it will be the last party she goes to. It's a threat, not an instruction. The word "If" is missing because it's written conversationally, you lose a lot of nuance in text.

Annunziata · 10/05/2012 22:06

Aaaaahhh the last time she goes to a party, not the last time to get drunk. Sorry, OP, long day.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 10/05/2012 22:08

Go and collect her at 11.30 pm....and that's generous!

exoticfruits · 10/05/2012 22:12

I insisted on collecting them- I wouldn't let them get a taxi. I also refused to stay up to 2am so it had to be earlier.

Annunziata · 10/05/2012 22:21

You might want to check that your DD isn't as confused as me

Seven is very early though. Maybe try and make her go a bit later, half eight or so. I always make my DS and DD eat before going out, I make sure they know that I will be there if they phone me and insist that none of their friends are ever left on their own to get home etc, I am perfectly happy to run them or have them stay over.

MadameChinLegs · 11/05/2012 09:52

Oh, another thing my mam used to do was allow me to have a few friends sleep over afterwards and she would pick us all up. However, none of us could drink if they wanted to stay over (and they usually preferred the offer of a sober sleepover afterwards than trying to drunkenly find their own way home)....that way there were a few of us not drinking so I wouldn't be singled out.

Original poster

Gravelly · 11/05/2012 11:38

Oops! I certainly wasn't telling her to go get drunk! Sorry for the confusion. I was just telling her it was a trial run. If she comes home in a state, then that will be the end of parties until she's older/has proved herself responsible.
I'm hoping she'll be sensible. Whenever we've given her a glass of wine (at christmas etc) She's not appeared too keen! But I'm guessing in a room full of excited teens . . .

When I was a teen I was the worst. I did all sorts of things my parents didn't know about, and from a much earlier age. I basically cut my mother out of the loop completely, and as she was a 'see no evil' type, it suited her fine. Trouble is I KNOW from experience what teenagers can get up to, and though I know she has to make her own mistakes, I still want to protect her from some of the rubbish.

She was ever so sweet at breakfast. She said she really really wanted to go, but if I told her 'no' she wouldn't be angry, which made me feel she's probably mature enough to handle herself if any problems arose.

Thanks all who suggested picking her up. I may well do this (I don''t suppose even if I didn't I'd go to sleep until she was in) as I don't think there's kids from this side of town going (her school has odd catchments). I was worrying about the taxi alone business.

OP posts:

SecretSquirrels · 11/05/2012 16:17

My 16 year old has been to a few house parties. We pick him up, usually at11pm, 2am seems too late for 15 year olds?
The rules are
There must be parents present ( I said No to one where there was only an older sister home).
No wandering off, stay at the party.
He is allowed a drink and usually takes one bottle of beer or alcopop.

There have been a few sleepovers but always where we have known the parents.It may be a little different here because we are very rural and party may be in a village many miles away.

Cuddleczar · 11/05/2012 18:11

I wouldn't let my 15 yo DD2 go to a party unless adults were present (or, it would be just about acceptable, if they were going out and coming back at 11 or so). A girl died at a party a year ago where the parents went away for the weekend leaving their 14 yo kids to have a party unsupervised. I also wouldn't allow my DD to come back on her own in a taxi--years ago I had a nanny who was at a party and ordered a cab to get back and the driver pulled over and had a go at her, luckily she was able to get out of the car and run away. If she was coming back with friends, there might be a case for all clubbing together in advance and then ordering the car from a "reputable" company [though how would you tell?] for a particular time. And no later than midnight. [1am has been known for New Years Eve though! If being brought back by a known parent.] If no friends going then I would say either say no to her or let her go and pick her up yourself. I think the advice about not leaving her drink unattended is good. And reinforce advice about, if she is going to have alcohol, how much is likely to be too much and to drink SLOWLY as it takes time to hit your system.

bumbums · 11/05/2012 20:02

Not read all of this thread but one thing I thought of. Might be best to give her some low alcohol alcho pop type drinks to take with her. The drink at the party could be strong beer/wine or spirits. Much worse than a few WKDs.

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