how to build confidence in their talent?

[theycallmemrsboombastic]

HI and thanks for reading, I have a teen boy who is keen on art and is building up his art skills. He is very good at it but he constantly criticises his work and has no faith in his ability.

Its so frustrating and I feel often he makes negative comments in order to get some praise, for example last night he said 'I wish I was better at art.' he caught me on the hop a bit, I was tired and in pain and trying to make his bed (again) and so I asked him if he was fishing for compliments and asked what kind of answer was he looking for.(i upset him with this reply as I was abrupt and also did not give him the answer he wanted-I apologised but he was cross-told me to piss off!)

He does not seem to believe any compliments. He had a piece of school artwork displayed in a local gallery and he was cross as he felt the piece was no good. He won an art competition with another piece but would not accept the piece was really good, obviously good enough to win. I found an art class for teens but he doesn't want to go as he says he is not good enough and also it clashes with contact visits to his dad, so I am not going to push it for that reason alone.

He generally has quite low self esteem, eg he is convinced he is ugly (he is actually gorgeous as people often tell him and me) yet he doesn't believe anything I say. I feel so frustrated that he has these views of himself and his skills which have no basis in fact or truth.

Does anyone have an idea of what I can do or say to build his confidence? I am getting frustrated with the constant self depreciating comments as my reply last night shows, and I don't want to upset him again.

thanks for taking the time to read

Teenage boys seem to be a different sub species! I have one and you can never get it right! They do lack confidence so I try to be positive where possible and not too pushy! For mine it's a case of slowly slowly.....encourage and be positive but not over the top, they seem to sense this and mine gets in even more of a strop!

Teenage boys seem to be a different sub species! I have one and you can never get it right! They do lack confidence so I try to be positive where possible and not too pushy! For mine it's a case of slowly slowly.....encourage and be positive but not over the top, they seem to sense this and mine gets in even more of a strop!

HI thanks for your reply Julieann, it is so easy to go over the top and they see this as patronising. I have got a book about how to help shy teens, as his problems seem to be deeper than a lack of confidence, he has few friends and gets very anxious, has a problem with blushing as well, which he as only just told me about, i think the term is 'social anxiety' so hopefully with his counselling and this book things will get a bit better for him.

1. Teens are prone to self-esteem issues no matter what you do. Something to learn to live with.

2. Much as I cringe at the whole UP movement, it applies here: look to praise his efforts, not his achievements, and be factual & specific in your comments not subjective & vague. You already know your opinion is worthless to him (sort of, in a complicated way), but he can't deny that he's put a lot of effort in or that he was one of X many to be chosen, or that Y said they liked something he did etc. He can't as easily dismiss if you say "I like this part of your work BECAUSE..." statements of your opinion.

I think that real self-esteem does not come from being constantly told how great you are.

It comes from truly feeling a challenge and managing that challenge...and then, finally understanding that you did good. So Ragged's point 2 is really relevant here. "but he can't deny that he's put a lot of effort in or that he was one of X many to be chosen, or that Y said they liked something he did etc. He can't as easily dismiss if you say "I like this part of your work BECAUSE..." statements of your opinion"

When he says that he wishes he was better at art, don't jump in and say "but you're wonderful at art my darling boy". (even though he is )

Try something like:

1. empathise and say "yep it's tough when you feel you'd like to be better at something" (in other words, you're a tough guy- you'll handle it!)

2. be unemotional and say "well, the gallery liked your work enough to display it" (in other words, we need to judge the gallery here not your work)

3. express your admiration of his efforts, as ragged says, not his achievements say something like "I admire your courage entering such a big competition" (in other words, your bravery & innovation is more valuable than the first prize)