Just seen this, as have had a meltdown with my own DD and was looking for someone to discuss it with. @apieceofcake and @Mutteroo, I'm up for discussing further in private! My DD's profile seems fairly typical: lovely until 13, all downhill since then. Now 18, worse than ever. Here are some of the things that anyone with a girl going through this needs to check out:
- Do they have a learning disability? You might dismiss this out of hand ? DON'T. All through primary school and the first year of secondary, teachers were full of praise, never once raised the possibilty of this. In year 8 came the first inklings that something was up, but nothing dramatic; in hindsight we can now see that there was more to this than met the eye. She moved schools for year 9. Only then, in the 2nd term, did we feel the need to have her assessed by an Ed. Psych., because even though she liked the school, things were grinding to a halt. It turns out she's borderline dyspraxic ? has difficulty grasping and acting on instructions, even though she scores highly on cognitive ability. It is very common for such disabilities only to come to light in girls at puberty. Once you know if this is the case, there are ways of dealing with it;
? Hormonal imbalances. My DD went on the pill last year, and she calmed down quite a bit: for 3 months, we had no tantrums. Now she's come off it and is hell to live with again. Claims she can't deal with having to remember to take a pill. I have suggested the implant, but at the mo she's resisting even that. Through tests we discovered she has polycystic ovaries, so her periods are very irregular and painful;
? Cyber-bullying: I swear I'd have been a nervous wreck if we'd had the Internet when I was a teen. A hell of a lot goes on that they just won't share with parents, because they're ashamed, or they think it's futile, or because they think you'll ban them from going online. Of course real-life bullying is a problem too: it's just that Facebook etc add another dimension to it: there's no escape. Even if they're not actually being bullied, being confronted with other people's academic success when you know you're failing, for example, can be utterly crushing. Once on a downward track, they often see it as impossible to catch up, and become completely demotivated. Self-hatred then leads to lashing out at your nearest and dearest, self-medicating with alcohol and/or drugs...total vicious circle, that needs to be broken. As others have wisely said, being judgmental isn't helpful: being loving, consistent and supportive is. Let them know that it's OK to temporarily close down their FB page, for example: that they may just find it a massive relief. Suggest trying it just for one day, even, or a week, just to see how it feels.
I am convinced my own DD needs psychiatric help, but having attended sessions for a few weeks, she is now refusing to go again. I believe she would also benefit from medication: her tantrums are scary. DH and I have firmly told her that a condition of remaining under our roof is that she have therapy; now that she's taking issue with that again, she's threatening us with the prospect of her living on the streets and becoming a crack whore, so basically trying to scare us into giving in.