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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

A complete failure and heart broken

46 replies

Emjxxx · 03/05/2012 15:01

My DD is nearly 15. Her behaviour over the last couple of years has got increasingly worse and has now got so bad that she is no longer living at home and I have a planning meeting with SS tomorrow. I feel like i have failed her so badly and i am completely heart broken with the situation that we are now in.

Realistically and logically I know that we have done everything we can as a family to help and support our DD but my heart is breaking.

My DD is very abusive and aggressive. She calls me all sorts of horrendous names, belittles me and degrades me. She's not been going to school and has already missed so many exams that she is failing most of her GCSE's. Shes out drinking and smoking cannabis and most nights we have had the police out looking for her because she just doesn't come home. She lies about everything and says the most awful things just to get a reaction from people, she even went round telling people i was dying of cancer. She steals from us (about £400 in the last year) and is horrible to and hurts her little brother who is only 7. For the last 4 weeks now we have had intervention from SS and the ISS team and they have been fantastic and very supportive, but unfortunately they have been unable to get through to DD and all their offers of help and support have been refused by her. Her school is not the best, but again they have been very good and have offered her a lot of one on one support to try and catch her back up so that she may have a chance of achieving some GCSE's, but she is point blank refusing to go to school. Shes is on the waiting list to see a professional counsellor from CAMH which i feel is desperately needed and can't come quick enough.

I can no longer cope with her and the situation that all her choices and decisions put us in, the impact on what she is doing on the family is awful and she fails to see it. it has made me so ill that for weeks now most nights i am up having panic attacks and feel like i am heading towards a complete break down. She walked out the house last week refusing to go to school and refusing to come home because she did not want to tidy her room!. That was 6 days ago and i have not seen her since. She is staying with a girl who is nearly 18 and who she has known for about 3 weeks. SS have been to see her and have said that she is now likely to go into care and tbh, I'm re-leaved but at the same time feel such a failure. :(

OP posts:

pinkbraces · 03/05/2012 15:05

I dont have any experience of this, but didnt want to read and run. It sounds to me that you have done everything you can, hopefully as your DD gets older she will come out the other side.

flow4 · 03/05/2012 16:53

I know about that feeling of extreme stress - panic attacks, sleeplessness and feeling like you're going to have a breakdown :(
I can't offer you any 'parenting advice', but I can tell you you're not alone. I'd also say it's crucial you look after yourself... I started having a fortnightly massage just before Easter when things were especially bad with my son, and though it hasn't (of course) changed his behaviour, it has improved my ability to cope and I don't feel like I'm at risk of going mad any more..

WickedWitchofIlkley · 03/05/2012 20:00

This is my first time on here tonight as I'm in a similar sitution to you and wanted to find those with similar experience (not quite as bad yet but can see it spiralling that way) with my daughter having lived with her father and new wife for 3 months in the summer, before she was asked to leave due to her behaviour. Back to me to pick up the pieces and it is sheer hell.... so none of us are alone in this.

I agree with the comment of look after yourself and your remaining family and loved ones. You and they have to be your focus no matter how bad you feel about your daughter. She has made her choices. Don't let her ruin everyone's life. She will come round in the end - she may need a spell "out in the cold" to realise how lucky she really is and how much deep down she does love you all

I've been diagnosed with depression, nearly broke up with my partner, lost work and now spend all the money I do earn to support her brother away in Boarding school as he begged to get away from the constant argueing....so finding love for the person who has caused all this is really hard especially when they continue to behave in an abusive way.

It does come down to protecting yourself in the end. You have not failed, you have done your best but show her the best lesson in life - YOU RESPECT AND VALUE YOURSELF

Brightspark1 · 04/05/2012 17:50

I don't know how you find old threads, but if find my thread from March about my 15 yr old daughter going into care after running away, physically attacking me, you'll se that I am in the same place as you; and feel pretty much the same. I have stopped crying all the time and have started a new job which is helping to take my mind off the situation. But I still get waves of total despair and fear for her future. I love her so much, but that isn't enough at the moment and I have to deal with that. I have been seeing a counsellor at my GPs, and I find it useful to dump all the crap on someone else and say things I can't say to anyone else. It might be worth seeing if you could get yourself referred for counselling.
Someone posted about disengaging from your daughter and the situation. You can't do anything to help her until she accepts the help offered. Trying to step away from her may save your sanity.
My heart goes out to you.

Brightspark1 · 04/05/2012 18:05

Have found original post and reported so you can read it. Hope it helps x

ivykaty44 · 04/05/2012 21:32

you have not failed, you can not control someone elses actions - you have given her your best guidance now it is up to her to make her own choices.

Brightspark has some excellent advise.

I thought of bright spark when I read your post op - I hope things go well for both of you.

AuntyMich · 05/05/2012 09:27

My heart goes out to you, my friend is going through the same thing and has been for a year now. I have no advice as every child / family is different and so are their circumstances, but if it helps, my friend is taking things one day at a time and (acts) confident that she will come back to her eventually. Whenever she is given the opportunity, she tells her she loves her and she can come home any time she wants, but that she will not tolerate any violence. ({})'s to you and your family x

QOD · 06/05/2012 10:23

Gosh. I've just posted about my dn and it's so similar.

Horrible time, I'm so sorry, but don't blame yourself

MrsPlanB · 06/05/2012 10:31

You poor thing, OP. i am not surprised that you feel heartbroken

Reading your post was very hard going for me. I was your DD .

I was a terrible, terrible teenager. Relentlessly horrible to my (lovely, supportive) mum. Out every night drinking and taking drugs. Completely wild. Didn't go to school, stayed with my 20-something boyfriend most nights. I look back and I cannot believe what I was like

No real advice, really, except to say look after yourself and do whatever you need o do to stay sane. And do try to let your DD know that you are still there for her and keep the lines of communication open, even if she you can't all lve together as a family right now.

It was my mum's love and support that helped me turn my life around at the age of about 20 (sorry - a long way off for you, I know). I am in my 30s now and have a great career, have been happily married for 11 years and have my own children. She is very likely to outgrow this difficult phase.

KisMittz · 06/05/2012 10:49

You must be feeling dreadful, and my heart goes out to you.

Sometimes, doing the best thing for our DC's isn't the most obvious and clear cut.
She is trashing normal boundaries, and in some ways, it is because you are a parent, that it gets harder to be the one to deal with them. Because they won't listen to you just because you are their Mum/Dad.

Things didn't get that extreme, but I did call the police on my own DS, and he knows that I will be the one to do so if he doesn't self moderate. In the long run, this course of action for you, may very well be the thing that turns her around.
Being a parent and loving them, is not a get out of jail card, as some DC's seem think, that somehow if you love them, they can do anything.
And it just isn't so.

Let her know that you still love her, and she is welcome back as and when issues are resolved, will always give her the message that it is her behaviour, and not her that is unacceptable.
And as much as her emotional well being is important, that of you and the rest of your family is equally so.

Wishing you all the best x

KatieScarlett2833 · 06/05/2012 10:55

I have experienced all you have written OP, including putting my DD into care over a weekend because I could not be responsible for my actions had she come home one particular day. She was 14.

She is now 17 and looks back on that period of her life with shame and horror. The only thing that "worked" was her growing up and maturing and DH and I maintaining a united front with the rest of our family. I had every agency involved possible.

It was the most horrifying time of my life, I wish I could give you a hug.

wickedorwhat · 08/05/2012 11:43

hello, i just wanted to offer my love and support, i have a 15 yr old son who is just the same, well he is crying out for help i think and we now have a meeting with all sorts of agencies to offer help and i had a scary panic attack a few days ago for the first time as all this esculates. you are not alone. there are some very wise comments on this thread. thank you. its affecting the whole family. has 13 year old sister .

Original poster

Emjxxx · 09/05/2012 12:46

Thank you all for your posts. The meeting on Friday didn't go as planned. My DD didn't turn up her SW had been trying to get hold of her all day without any luck and because of the short notice of the meeting the school rep couldn't be there and neither could the EWO! So was just me and SS. From what i understood how we left the meeting was that SS were going to visit my DD at the place where she is staying as they are unhappy she is there and i am too. They said that the likely hood was that the people she is staying with with throw her out because SS have turned up on their doorstep, they asked if i had any extended family DD could stay with until they could find her a placement, I said no there wasn't. They said that the placement would most definitely be out of county. They said they would call me and let me know what was going on and keep me up to date. Well as of today I've still not heard a thing so i called them this morning. I had to speak with a Duty SW as my DD's SW is now away for a week. I explained briefly the situation and what happened in the meeting on friday. The Duty SW said that looking at DD notes she didn't have a clue what i was talking about, that there was no mention anywhere on DD's notes about placing her in care and nothing about what i had just said happened in the meeting!!! I'm so worried now and very confused, waiting for a call back to find out exactly what is happening. To top it all off on 26th April (the day before she walked out) i had to make her do a pregnancy test because she thought she was pregnant, it was negative, but she is going rnd telling everyone and anyone that she is pregnant! I feel so ill. Wish they would hurry up and call me back so i know what is happening.

OP posts:

Original poster

Emjxxx · 09/05/2012 12:49

Brightspark1 I can't find your post xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

Emjxxx · 09/05/2012 12:51

MrsplanB Thank you, it does give me some hope that we will come out of this :)

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/05/2012 12:53

Hang in there Emjxxx

Original poster

Emjxxx · 09/05/2012 13:20

Thank you KatieScarlett, It may sound strange but it is reassuring that there are people out there who really and truely do understand how i am feeling and have been through what me and my family are going through. Gives me a glimmer of hope thank you

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/05/2012 14:03

I understand Emjxxx

DH and I were so powerless over our situation. That's what killed me. Also observers of the judgey-pant variety who automatically assume "Oh it must be the parents fault, it could never happen to our family"

Yeah, right. I used to think that too.

Abra1d · 09/05/2012 14:08

I am so sorry to hear this. It does seem that adolescence affects some teenagers' brain wiring in a way that neither they nor anyone who loves them can really control.

Original poster

Emjxxx · 09/05/2012 17:11

Well i have heard from SS and it seems that the service manager has decided that my DD doesn't need placement and is happy for her to continue living with, whoever will take her in. The duty SW was just passing the message through to me and had no real details but basically she said the general feeling was that DD should be at home and give it a few weeks and she'll come home with her tail between her legs!! She also passed onto me that DD is no longer staying with the people she was a few days ago and that she is now staying with the older sister of the boy she is sleeping with, who is 18, the one she's claiming to be pregnant by! I cried at this point and stated that this was obviously a worse situation for her to be in and asked how they could possible feel that its ok leaving a 14 year old vulnerable child to get on and do what she wants?!! I'm at a loss, I've requested that the team manager who lead the meeting on Friday gives me a call and explains what is meant to happen from here. I'm a wreck, I'm completely falling apart :(

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/05/2012 17:15

Police?

They are effectively saying it is OK for her to live with the BF who has had underage sex with your DD. I would shout this from the rooftops.

The Police removed my DD from her abusers home every single time I called them.

BonnieBumble · 09/05/2012 17:16

I feel that you are being failed by social services. Can you escalate this to someone more senior. Completely unacceptable response.

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/05/2012 17:18

Threaten SS with the press?

Original poster

Emjxxx · 09/05/2012 17:33

KatieScarlett, she's not "actually" living with the BF shes with the BF's older sister! But to me that's no better and yes i feel that they have just completely let me and my DD down and they basically have said its ok for her to being having sex with this older boy! That they are in no way worried by this and have no intention of intervening and getting her out of there and away from this boy. The police say that they are helpless to do anything unless she actually names this boy and they are reluctant to keep going in and removing her from these various addresses she's been staying at because all she keeps doing is running back off the minute they leave. I don't know what to do or where to turn, although my gut feeling at the moment is to phone the police to go and get her.

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Original poster

Emjxxx · 09/05/2012 17:36

BonnieBumble, yes if i don't have satisfactory responses from the team manager tomorrow i will be taking this further.

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