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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Feel so sad for my boy:(

17 replies

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 30/04/2012 20:25

DS1 is 19. When he was 14 he started going out with a girl and it lasted 2 years.. she was the love of his life and he was devastated when she broke it off.
AFter that they sort of became friends but it was an odd friendship.. basically she owns him. He has to be at her beck and call, she goes nuts if he goes out with the lads, she was vicious when he had another girlfriend.

She has never said she wanted him back as her boyfriend, but has had sex with him a couple of times, relies on him etc etc. Basically he has been her 'back up' male for the last 3 years... and recently decided they would flat share together when she goes to the local uni in September.

We have always been a bit worried, because DS1 frankly adores her no matter what she says or does.. he has often been in tears over her behaviour towards him but has always hoped they would get back together. Today he finally plucked up the courage to tell her how he feels, and she flatly told him he had no hope.. she doesn't want him.

(tis ok to use him, keep him on a lead but he's not good enough)

He was sobbing when DH came home from work today.. 19 years old, hurt and bewildered. :( He thinks he just isn't good enough:(

In one way I'm glad she has finally laid it on the line.. or at least his eyes have been opened for good. I like her as a person, but she has abused his love.. she KNEW he was still in love with her.. since they were 14.
But it hurts to see my lovely son hurting so much:(:( I wish he was 2 years old, when everything could be solved with a kiss from Mum...

OP posts:
Mumofjz · 30/04/2012 22:12

i dont know what to say to help apart from be there for him and try to discourage him moving in with her. I remember my first broken heart at 17 and thought my world would never be the same again, give him some time (but not too much) to wallow in the hurt and then get him doing things, maybe go out together as a family to a comedy night, anything!!! He sounds a lovely boy/man x

Kellamity · 30/04/2012 22:14

Sad your poor son.

BorisJohnsonsHair · 30/04/2012 22:18

Your poor boy. I think having teenagers is so much worse than having little ones; as you say you had the power to make everything all right then. Now you don't, but still want to. I hope he meets some lovely new girl at uni and forgets all about her. (and if a kiss from a random stranger helps, then "x")

CointreauVersial · 30/04/2012 22:18

Awwww...

It is just part of growing up; all you can hope for is that he soon meets someone genuine and the scales fall from his eyes as far as his "first love" is concerned.

ripsishere · 01/05/2012 09:09

I agree that he shouldn't share a flat with her.

Serendipity129 · 01/05/2012 17:21

I think she sounds poisonous and I really hope he sees her for what she is and doesn't flat share, much as his heart says he wants to.
I feel sad for the poor boy, my DD just split with her first bf after he cheated on her at a party in front of her best friend then dumped her via text, she too was devastated and it's horrid as there is nothing you can do to stop the hurt. I know it's life but it's still so hard, bless him.

hathorkicksass · 01/05/2012 17:24

She's a vicious nasty little cow.

I hope he walks away. And never looks back.

And give him hugs. And chocolate. And make his favourite tea.

And over my dead body, if I was you, would he ever ever share a flat with her.

Combinearvester · 01/05/2012 17:26

Someone did this to my little brother....now they are in their 20s and she regrets it massively and sees him as 'the one who got away' and he is settled with an absolutely lovely woman who worships the ground he walks on.

It takes amazing amounts of courage to tell someone how you feel like your son has done, he should be really proud of him, and it shows he has the ability to love and conduct relationships like an adult which she clearly does not.

Hope his recovery is short - he should try to cut all contact really but we all know how difficult that can be.

JETS · 09/05/2012 06:32

Im surprised you say you like her as a person! - as a person she sounds really vile!

Get him out there - phone some friends tell them he needs to go out - tell him to go out & dont answer the phone/door to the girl.Definately - do not live together - could you imagine the pain of him living in the same flat when she brings home other lads etc - & this is what will happen.....

CuttedUpPear · 09/05/2012 06:40

Oh your poor boy. I hope he can get over this (with lots of Medusa love and hugs).
One day he will make an excellent partner for the right girls. he sounds lovely.
Hopefully he can move on soon, have a good summer and look forward to his life.

AdelaideRex · 09/05/2012 06:45

Educate him about EA he is a victim and she is an abuser....

jumpingship · 09/05/2012 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 09/05/2012 17:53

Adelaiderex.. you know I had never actually thought about it like that , but you are so right.. it IS emotional abuse.. and at quite a level too. He has always been like a puppy hoping not to get kicked.. and he is genuinely such a nice guy.. I actually wish he wasn't sometimes because most lad would not put up with that crap.

I was really hoping her blunt 'I don't want you' would finally help him to make the break, but no.. only yesterday I heard him on the phone.. sounding stressed and sodding APOLOGISING for not being wherever she wanted him to be at the precise moment.. he has literally just come home from work:(..after a 12 hour shift , where he works with adults who have severe learning difficulties .. he has been patient and wonderful for a 12 hour shift and came home to her crap.

I pointed out to him that he wouldn't take it from a male friend.. and no one else would take it from her. I asked what she was like with her female friends, and tellingly DD2 said 'I don't think she really has any' (they are all in the same social circles).

The odd thing is that she is honestly quite a pleasant person.. or seems to be, just not to DS1, but she won't let him go. :(

Really not sure how to help him make a break:(

OP posts:
anewyear · 14/05/2012 09:47

'the odd thing is that she honestly quite a pleasant person.. or seems to be'

Well of course she is pleasant to you, she wants to keep you on side doesnt she, so she can carry on treating your son like crap..
She wouldnt want you, telling your son, hes not to see her any more, because she really a nasty little madam, he might take notice of you, does that make sense?

pictish · 14/05/2012 09:53

I can imagine how this must be making you feel OP.

He needs to strap on a pair and stop scuttling after her like a hopeful puppy. Where is his self respect?

pictish · 14/05/2012 10:13

Btw - I think he'll grow out of this relationship with this self absorbed, demanding, selfish hag girl.
But I have to say, as a parent, I could not stand by and watch him allow himself to be made a tool of like this. I would be telling him precisely what she is, and how to extricate himself immediately.

He is in the grip of what is fundamentally an abusive relationship. They are kids with no real responsibilities and all the world's their oyster. I would allow any manipulative little bitch to spoil my son's youth.

pictish · 14/05/2012 10:14

Rather - I wouldn't stand back and let HIM allow it.

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