DD obsessed with changing school-help!

[exasperatedemma]

My DD aged 13 is in year 8 at her school and is currently fixated on moving to a school where she has recently made some new friends. She has cut all her friends at her current school and is only seeing the new friends and going on at me on an hourly basis telling me that she is moving schools. I think she is trying to force the issue as she has started acting up at school, as we have said she can't move as it is a big deal etc etc, plus the other school is awful. She is being extremely hostile towards us, kicked a hole in the wall, I had to hide the knives in the kitchen the other day and generally very hard to live with. She does flit from thing to thing and this is her latest obsession, next week she probably won't even be talking to the new friends and we can't act on every whim she comes up with - I just don't know how to handle this. any advice welcome!

I have to say I'm about your knife comment. She is a 13 year old girl are you serious?
The moving school is not the issue here really it's her behaviour. She can't move school unless you apply to another school, and why would on earth would you do that?
If this is the influence of her new friends I'd be keeping her miles away from them. How did she meet these people? For behaviour like that I presume you have grounded her, taken away phone etc?

Yes she's had various confiscations, mostly the phone - that's a whole different issue - she has had a blackberry since January on a rolling 30 day contract, is totally obsessed with it and gets around 30-40 bbm's an hour - and we have boundaries about it being put down when doing homework, dinner, not after 9pm and not before ready for school in the morning, but unless I physically wrestle it from her, sometimes I can't get it off her. She hasn't had the bbm part renewed this month as it was causing so many arguments and she was being aggressive like we were taking her 'drugs' away!! bottom line is that she is not moving school unless there is a very very good reason to, I just don't know what to respond with when she keeps asking why she can't.

If the other school is awful then I'd just show her the league tables. School is about education not social life. Tell her the answer is no and you don't want any more discussion.

Can you focus on something positive?
What do you do as a family that she enjoys? Does she like any sports or activities that she could spend time on rather than focussing on battling with you?
Have you thought about replacing the phone with a simple PAYG with a budget/text limit?

I have teenagers but no experience of this sort of thing so hopefully others will be along with better advice.

How was she getting on at her school before she met her new friends?

It seems strange to me that she would suddenly drop all her old friends and choose new ones, she obviously wasn't very friendly with them in the first place. Maybe she does have a real issue with her school?

She sounds very unhappy, I would want to have a calm chat, where you say "we will listen to you, but you can't just say "I want to move". You need to give valid reasons and tell us what the problems are"

just tell her she can't.
i would take the blackberry away completely tbh

if her new "friends" are what has prompted this change in her behaviour then quite frankly the less she is in contact with them the better

what was she like before she made these friends?

well she was doing really well at school, her report we got at Easter was glowing and she had a good group of friends, but she seems to think the 'grass is greener' at the other school and knowing what she's like, she could easily fall out with them in a week or two and then it would be awful for her.

I'm not being very successful in getting her to open up to have a chat about what might be making her unhappy at her present school - she just refuses to tell me anything.

We have restricted her phone which is now on a 30 day contract so not being used as a blackberry and although she is going on at me daily to get it back, I can't see that happening anytime soon as she is even worse when she has full bbm.

I would still try to have a chat. Do you drive her anywhere? It is often easier to chat when they can't escape they don't need to give you eye contact.

Just tell her calmly that you love her, have her best interest at heart and want her to do well. Tell her to think about what would happen if, for some reason she did fall out with her new friends. That it isn't that easy just to change schools because of change in curriculum/timetables etc etc.

I also think you should point out to her, that before she met these new friends she had a glowing report and did not go around looking for knives/kicking holes in the wall. Therefore you have to come to the conclusion that they are bad for her. Then ask her why she thinks you would feel any different.

Also can you encourage her to make contact again with the friends she had, could they come for sleep overs etc.

Keep her away from these "friends" as much as possible.
Don't think her old friends will be very responsive at the moment either.
The issue here is her behaviour, which would not be any better whichever school she was at.
Why not arrange an interview with her Head of Year, possibly with your DD present and have it all out in the open? Would that lead to a nasty reaction/violence?

Thank you quicklookbusy, that sounds like sensible advice. Rezolution - yes I was thinking about talking to her head of year, I think the time has come to find out what's happening at school.

Yes I think a chat with the Head Of Year would be good. They need to be aware of how she is behaving at home. They might be able to tell you if there is anything wrong at school and they should beable to offer her more support once they are aware she is unhappy.