Low level stealing and lying

[BrownCow1]

My 13 yr old DS has been taking small amounts of cash from my purse for some time now (from £1 up to £3). We started giving him regular pocket money (£5 a week) to try and nip this in the bud, thinking that if he had his own money he wouldn't be tempted to take mine. But he just goes out and blows it all on sweets on a Saturday and is still dipping in to my purse during the week on a regular basis. We have confronted him with this and he strenuously denies it, even when he has been caught red-handed. He was on a final warning when he took yet another £3 last week and now he has been told he cannot go on the much anticipated ski-trip with school (this was partly a carrot to try and get him to behave as things were not going well at school either - he's very bright by the way). Previously we have banned him from X-box etc but this has made no difference. I hate the fact that he tries to deceive us and, most of all, that he lies and will not own up, even when he is 'found out'. My DD is 15 and although no angel, would never lie to us or even dream of taking money off us. I'm really concerned that DS's behaviour will escalate, and that he might be tempted to steal from shops etc if he thinks he can get away with it - just because he can. He was such a gorgeous kid and now he is surly and rude half the time and appears to have little respect for us. It's almost as if he's 'attention seeking' but in all the wrong ways. I've talked do DH about spending more quality time with him at weekends and he is planning to take DS away on hols at half term hiking in Scotland which they will both enjoy. We love both our kids dearly and I just feel so disappointed in DS to be honest. Plus I don't know where to go with this. Help!

Been there too BrownCow1! My ds2 was a little older, about 14/15 I think. We were really worried he had turned into a lying, thieving petty criminal. He has a Saturday job now, and although the stealing has pretty much stopped, I think it's mostly because we NEVER leave money around. I never have cash in my purse or around the house.

It's a really, really horrible feeling that you can't trust your own son. I have an older ds, and he would never of dreamt of deceiving us that way. I believe it's relatively common, but it doesn't feel good. My ds2 has been brought up in a very loving, caring family but I think, he thinks he can help himself to anything so long as it's around the house - he helps himself to aftershave, chocolate, clothes too!

Anyway, once we were able to catch him, which took a while (he denied stealing till he was blue in the face), we had many long conversations etc about doing the right thing. He confided that he simply didn't have enough pocket money to compete with his mates (who all seem to have an unlimited supply of cash!), and that he knew we wouldn't give him anymore. I think he was getting about £10-15 a week at the time.

Now he has a job (which won't help you, as your ds is only 13) he has to manage his own money better. He spends it like crazy as soon as he has any, then runs out, which is why I still continue to not have cash around.

I would suggest he maybe gets a little more pocket money but he would have to earn it by doing little jobs for you. Do you know what he's mostly spending it on? I'm pretty sure my ds2 secretly smokes and ciggies aren't cheap (that's a whole other story!). I think it's something that takes a while to grow out of, and he sounds quite hormonal and teenagery at the moment! I wouldn't leave money around anymore - it's a pain, but I've got very used to hiding cash in the house and only having credit cards in my purse. Good luck and don't worry too much - I think it's a horrible phase they go through. x

Thanks Berni - your experience is pretty much what we are going through. DS has talked about getting a paper round (but done nothing about it) and so I have gone and got his name down today, but there is a waiting list. I'm just worried that if he works in a shop he will be tempted to steal out of the till. He is bright enough to cover it up. Like you say it feels horrible being taken advantage of in this way. DH has told me to hide my handbag but I've felt adamant that I shouldn't have to do this in my own house - but clearly I do! We can't afford to give him more than £5 a week right now and frankly I think that is plenty, especially as he just wastes it on sweets and chips. Fingers crossed that he will grow out of it ... sooner rather than later!

I remember talking to dh about not having to hide my money - but in the end it was for my own sanity! I would bet that your ds wouldn't even consider stealing from anywhere else. He's almost certainly got the selfish attitude that many teenagers have, which is that they want something and they feel entitled to it from those who love them the most.

I strongly believe that if you bring your children up well, they do know the difference between wrong and right, however that doesn't seem to extend to their own families sometimes! Stay firm and hang on in there until he is 16 and can get a Saturday job! xx

My DS1 did the same... only it grew to far larger amounts:( It was awful, and I ended up getting a combination safe and keeping my purse..and siblings purses in there. he just didn't seem to accept that stealing from his family was REALLY stealing. It coincided with a period of wanting to impress his mates too.. he was spending it on junk and sweets etc. He was 13 when it started too.

£5 isn't much these days to be honest.. is there any way he could earn more from you? (thinking £10 a week from his child benefit or whatever) It might help for him to have more but realise he has to earn it.

My son only stopped when he got a p/t job at 16..and now I don't have to use a safe at all (tho he often borrows off me til payday!!)

Same here too. I lock away what I can, but sometimes you just 'put it down' when you come in, or you need to leave something out.... eg each of the dcs dinner money for the next morning type things.
It makes you feel awful. I wonder where I've gone wrong in bringing up a liar and a thief .

If 'not being alone' doesn't bring you any comfort, I have read many, many similar threads on here over the years, and there are always people who have come out the other side, and convinced us it's a (not particularly uncommon) phase.

I've had this too, though it developed into something much bigger and more serious. It is terribly damaging if it goes on (my trust in my son is probably destroyed forever and I don't know if I will ever forgive him) so I'd say try to nip it in the bud. If I had my time again, or if I were you, I would...

• Buy a cash box and have a lock fitted on your bedroom door asap.
• Keep cards/savings passbooks etc. secure
• Keep good track of how much you have in your wallet, so you can be certain if/when he steals from you, even if he denies it
• Don't let it ever 'pass': mention it, condemn it and 'sanction' it
• Keep a good eye out for any sign of drug use. You've got problems if he's got a drug 'habit' of any kind, but you'll probably be OK - and he'll probably grow out of it - if he hasn't.

At 13 I think that boys in particular can still be very childish and impulsive. This may be why the dire threats dont work. Perhaps like a younger child the punishment needs to be more instant?

If you are sure that he has taken money from your purse then you need to deal with it straightaway. Dont ask, tell him, you know he has stollen from you and he comes off xbox right now. Cancel instant treats. Cancelling the ski trip sounds a very big punishment and a bit unconnected IYSWIM.

Possible punishments:

• profound parental disappointment
• extra unpleasant chores (eg emptying the cat litter tray!)
• old style sending to his room (with xbox/TV removed)

And definitely keep your purse out of sight at all times. It sounds like the stealing has become a bit of a habit as much as anything. I read once that it takes around 3 weeks to break a habit so you need to give this a month of consistent effort on your part.

"3 weeks to break a habit" sounds so achievable, so possible, *Gnome! It is possibly the most hopeful nugget of teen info I have ever heard... Thanks! :)

I just hope it works!

Yes I'm really concerned that one thing will lead to another and the 'drugs' issue has crossed my mind. He goes to a good school but there are drugs in every high school these days so I'm not kidding myself. He's the sort of kid who would just try something, just to appear 'cool' to his mates. Silly stuff really but, as you say, can lead on to more serious things. Luckily he has a best mate (they are joined at the hip) who is just fab and sensible and well behaved so I hope they stick together and he takes a lead from his friend.

Yes I realise that cancelling the ski trip sounds extreme - but this has been going on for some time (plus he's not been coming up to scratch at school at all - lots of bad comments in his planner from teachers/not doing homework/forgetting to take books in etc, etc) so cancelling the trip was the ultimate sanction we were holding over him. He really was on a final, final warning about the stealing and we just felt we couldn't back down. He has been much more responsive since we did this (following a 24 hour sulk) and he and his dad are going walking in Scotland for a week together at half term which he's looking forward to. Perhaps it was just extreme attention seeking after all?

Another one going through the same thing with ds1 13
Is it an age thing?
I was wondering if it's because his friends have money every day at school and go to chip shop and sweet shop on the way home?

He gets pocket money also £10 per week but it seems I can't leave any change lying around as he takes it-and then denies it, even when I caught him.
Marking my place and hoping for more useful advice.

Thanks for everyone's advice - it's reassuring in a way that other people are going through the same. I have put his name down for a paper round but if anyone can think of other jobs you can do at 13 years old do let me know! I think earning his own money will help him to value money more.

sadly we have had this with my eldest son, also 13. he has stolen from me, my partner, his brothers, his grandparents, friends... eventually he was caught stealing from school and has been expelled....

My partner fitted a lock t our bedroom door. I hated the need for this, but it has helped. We also have a safe into which he and his brothers can lock money/ipods etc. Only my partner and I have a key. At least the younger children can now keep money without ds1 stealing it.

We have had the community police out, endless sanctions, arguments, discussions etc etc. Noting seems to make a difference. I rather take the attitude now that we cannot prevent him from stealing outside of the home. He knows it is wrong, and he knows there will be consequences if he is caught, but we cannot MAKE him behave. I fear my trust in him is permenantly damaged too, it has caused problems between ds 1 and his brothers, and tension between my partner and i. I hate the lack of trust more than anything.....

you are not alone. DS1 is sneaky, manipulative and blatently lies too. I hope one day he will realise that without trust in a relationship, any relationship, you have nothing; but I'm not holding my breath. DS1 has ADD and aspergers too, the child mental health services don't seem to be able to offer much....

We have a lock on our bedroom door, and have done for years.
our DD stole anything from us, money, make up, socks etc.

We are so used to it now, that we lock it automatically.
I used to think we were the only ones, but i find that a good majority of parents have resorted to this.
My daughter didn't have cash of her own, because she refused to do household chores/homework etc.
She seemed to think that we would just hand it out like a bank1

Refreshing to read

Have just discovered DD aged 12 1/2 has stolen £20 from wallet. DH thought she was fumbling around for his wallet yesterday morning and when he asked her what she was doing in our room, she said she was checking with me if our cat had been fed - I was in the shower at the time (very good liar). She then came downstairs and stole from my purse. She may have stolen at other times but went un-noticed as DH doesn't know what is his wallet half the time and I spend cash so quickly that you easily miss it. We are planning on sitting down with her tonight to have a discussion about this. She is using it to buy sweets. We had to stop her £5 pocket money due to horrendous amount of sweets being bought.

So what to do next?

She loves horse-riding and goes every Saturday - DH is suggesting a ban of 2 weeks from horse-riding which I think is fair enough having read some of the other replies. We will obviously be keeping a very close eye on our wallets from now. But I don't want her hanging around with her friends at home or on the computer continuously over the next 2 Saturdays - any suggestions regarding "community service" type punishments? Anywhere we could get her to volunteer to become more aware of other people less fortunate. I think she is very sorry that she has been found out and is dreading our "discussion" later on so fingers crossed it is just a blip.[hmmm]

Freshcoffeebeans
It sounds as if she could usefully spend the next 2 Saturdays doing additional chores at home to "pay you back" for the money she took. If she doesn't do enough chores to your satisfaction then she risks missing a 3rd week of horse-riding?

I think I will have to go for the chore option as any volunteer work requires them to be 14 yrs+. Spending more time with her over the next 2 Saturdays would be good as well and curtailing her time spent "hanging out" kicking her heels.