How open are your children regarding sex?

[OrmIrian]

I was brought up in quite a sexually-repressed way. I was one told by my mum that 'sex was for men'. No-one talked about it. TV programs featuring sexual content of any kind (not that much back in 70s!) was watched in agonised embarrassment. I learned the facts of life from school biology or from playground rumour - as did a lot of people of that generation I suspect.

DH was brought up very differently. No subjects were avoided so he had a quite different approach.

When kids came along I tried to be as open as possible (it wasn't natural for me to be so TBH). Hence my 15yr old DS and 13yr old DD will chat happily to me about masturbation, sex, contraception. I tend to deal with it by taking a deep (metaphorical) breath and just plunging in. DH sometimes is a bit taken aback himself. So I am wondering if perhaps it's isn't normal to be so open. Should they be more private? Should I be encouraging them to be more private? Help!

I think your right
I like to answer their questions in an age approriate way (oldest is 7)
I think it's good your dcs can come to you fir information

I think you're right, Orm. I'm coming from much the same place as you (mum foud talking about sex uncomfortable, though she's much more relaxed now we're adults) and I don't feel all that comfortable about it myself now. Although my children are much younger than yours, I'm trying to be open with you and answer their questions honestly. I have tried to gently make sure that some things should only be discussed at home rather than in loud voices in public though!

(Recently, DD2 (6yo) announced during a conversation over tea at a friend's house that she knew where babies came from. Friend's mum thought it was hilarious, as she's a nurse and open with her DCs too but she said her DH wasn't quite sure where to look!).

In general, I think it's good to be open. Like you I sometimes have to take a deep breath when dd brings something up.

For me, there is a line between talking about these issues in a theoretical way and talking about what someone has done. I don't want dd to know anything about what kind of sex I am having and vice versa. If she goes too far I just say 'TMI' and don't talk about it, or otherwise put an end to the conversation, but in a light-hearted way.

Well put it this way, everything is only the natural course of life. As our children grew up we never hid away naked when we showered, my dh is a natural jumping out the showervshakingvhis butt whilst singing if you think I'm sexy lol. Kids have always just grunted and walked away, dd found it hard as she got older but still doesn't deem nakedness etc awful apart from te fact old people really should cover up. Never hid away from the sex talk part so that when they learnt about it through school and peers it wouldnt come as such a shock. Oldest is 20 and just thinks we are mad middle thinks we are too old to show a toe let alone a boob and youngest just laughs at us. I think sex wise they are all fully comfortable with it all and as youngest one starts sex education this year he is ready but will still get embarrassed. So I think you handle it how you feel best and most. Try reading Babette Coles mummy laid an egg, not only will you wet yourself laughing its totally educational in the most hilarious way. It's designed for kids x

Thanks brig! i think they may be a bit old for Mummy laid an egg But I might enjoy it...

Thankyou for the reassurance. I sometimes think I have become too open as a reaction to my own upbringing.

I don't think you have OrmIrian

My upbringing was the same as yours and I am now the same way with my kids as you are with yours.

I think it's great that they can ask questions in a safe and respectful environment at home and get a straight answer rather than having to confide a question in someone at school. It's always possible that they could have the piss taken out of them if they ask something that reveals their innocence. Also possible that the friend they ask could betray them by gossiping about what's going on in their private life. Also very possible that they will be given the wrong information but well-meaning but badly-informed kid.

No. I've always told mine that they can talk to me about anything and I will be honest and kind and not judge them. This way, if there is a problem one day, I am in a position to guide them and get them the help that they may need.

My dd (12yr) asked me what a blow job was, right infront of my mum and sister, they were stunned into silence while i answered her!

We nearly wet ourselves laughing when she had left the room :O

Also grew up in the 70's sex was never talked about and I can remember being very uncomfortable if anything slightly risque was on the TV. Come to think of it we never even talked about periods!
My DD is now 16 openly talks about her girlfriends losing their virginity and I suspect as she now has a bf hers will be gone one day soon. I am glad we can talk in this way though I had to have 'the talk' about contraception as I stated I wouldn't be a good parent if I hadn't and she went mad with me 'do you think I'm stupid, I don't believe you're even saying this to me' but it had to me said.
She wonders if her relationship is moving too fast but I said if you're both happy and consenting then there isn't a problem only if one of you are uncomfortable with anything. Hope I'm right as I don't think there are timelines for how a relationship can develop it depends on the two involved. I'm just glad we can talk about it.
After all with programmes like the inbetweeners and such teens are far far more informed than I ever was!

We are open and hope that it will pay off when they do get older etc. I think it important about everything in life to be as open as possible

at mummy laid an egg

Yes, like you, open and straightforward with me, although not with DH I must say

I was heavily pregnant with DS2 when I went with DS1 on a visit to his new early years unit/nursery school. I stopped to chat with the Head Teacher, and DS1 meanwhile amused himself rolling a (clean) paint-roller up and down over my enormous belly. "Ahh, you're painting the baby," said the Head sweetly. "Good idea!" My son looked up at her as if she was a bit mad... then reached up between my legs with the paint roller!

Thankfully, she took it in her stride: "Haha, someone's been listening to his mummy tell him where babies come from!"

(Oh, those were the days!)

Two funny memories that kids have said to me. Whilst walking home from school one day my eldest had had his 2 nd week of sex education. Picture it I'm pushing the pram, lovely day, yapping about school when he pipes up " mum, I don't wanna have a wet dream". I felt the flush rise from my toes to my head. Without wanting to laugh I just said " look kid, you might be dreaming anythingvfrom eating a carrot to driving a tractor, it just happens, but don't worry about it, it's nothing to be embarrassed about". Think I handled it pretty well for a 3 in the afternoon regular conversation lol. 2 time wasnt so much sex talk but just a funny thing, my dd was only about 5 at the time I was pregnant with 3c and we were in a room full of strangers think it was the surgery, all nice and quiet. When she asks how do babies get into your tummy, and she isn't a whispering kid either, well I said , mummy and daddy cuddled, she said oh that means you cuddled daddy 3 times now, yes that's about right I replied, much to the amusement of the surgery ds1 then added yes they go to see the dr who makes them lie on a bed naked and cuddle that's how they get there silly. I wanted to leave ASAP as the whole room sniggered away. I just preyed to be called next lol.

I'm exactly the same as you too OP. I don't think its being too open. Once things are closed off then they become liable to misinterpretations and all sorts of strange ideas.

Only thing I have to do is tell the dc not to talk about anything to do with bodies when granny is around because she gets uncomfortable because in the olden days it wasn't something that one did so she's not used to it. They have learned to keep body talk within the house walls.

I've always answered my DDs questions at a level she would understand and tried to be truthful.
When she was about 6, we were in the cinema waiting for crappy feet to start.
In a very loud voice she asked me what a penis was. I said I'd tell her after the film. Two girls, who lived in our block of flats turned round and said, no mrs here, tell her now.

My DM was pretty repressed. In fact, she never talked about anything with me. She found telling me about periods difficult enough. She was so embarrassed that it made me embarrassed. I decided then not to be embarrassed again.

Have talked about anything with the DC that they want to bring up. If I'm totally honest I'm shocked at how many positions and variations the DC know about at such young ages. I really didn't know about such things at the same age. My DSs are not embarrassed, but DD gets very hot around the collar when anything sexual is discussed, but she doesn't leave the room, she just hides her face.

I agree with one of the other posters that I wouldn't discuss anything in detail. i have seen a programme on TV about sex with Mum and Dad with a Dutch psychosexual counsellor who gets DC and parents to discuss their own sex lives with each other. That, to me, is a step too far. The DC do know that we still have sex. I don't want them to think that it stops as soon as one has had children.

I think the best thing is to try and be as unembarrassed as possible.

One thing I was shocked about was that DS1 thought it was no great deal if someone visisted a prostitute. I told him I would think much less of someone who had done that and he thought it was not exactly a rite of passage, but kind of just a service that some people bought. It was in the context of some teenagers (18+) going to Amsterdam, having a bet and the losers paying for the winner to visit a prostitute. I told him how awful I thought that was and would not be happy if I found out that he had ever done that (hasn't been on a teenager trip yet) I would think much less of him. He really thinks it's no big deal .

My mum couldn't talk to me about anything, not even periods. I found everything out in the playground. Kissing on TV was agony when I was at home, my dad would start talking and my mum would have a coughing fit. But boy am I different with my own kids.

We've always talked about anything and everything sex related, and when they were old enough I bought them the books too and we all read them. I learned such a lot myself!

Now when my mum is over (sex is still a taboo subject) DD1 (13 and developing well) will run from the shower naked and parade around in front of her just to make her squirm. Hilarious as long as I'm not in the same room as them both!

I have always talked to DD in an age appropriate way, the first time she asked was at about age 7. More recently they have done human reproduction in Year 7 and she got 100% in the exam which did make me smile.
I was never really permitted as a teen to ask about personal things so promised myself that I would always be honest and straightforward, as a result DD seems to be able to talk to me about lots of personal subjects

Same here, repressed 70's childhood and now open and honest parent. I learned that people were transmitting STDs through ignorance and I never wanted my children to die from ignorance. I talk very openly and honestly with my children in an age appropriate way and a result of that is my 18yo ds asked me about foreplay techniques and sex toys. I reap what I sew.

My mum was fairly good at giving us info, though made it very clear that we were not allowed to act on said info until married!
I have been fairly open with my DD1, though I made it clear that if she got pregnant she would be looking after baby not me!
She did wait till she was 17 and had been with her BF a while before, um, doing the deed but now................keeps talking to me about it, looking on Ann Summers website and asking me what I think. Eww! I put my fingers in my ears, sing la la la la la and tell her I am her mother! She insists I am her best friend as well! Flattering after a difficult few years but there is such a thing as TMI!