How can I improve my daughters confidence, I think she is unhappy and i had no idea

[MDUK]

My DD is 14, I had to update the virus checker on her PC and the browser was open on a forum she has been asking for advice.

The 3 questions that caused me concern

• How can i be more confident (referring to giving presentations at school as an example - but i think there may be more to it.
• How can i get a better personality (she thinks she is boring)
• how can i become more popular at school

There are several other q's around how she looks, spots, weight etc...

Unfortunately the "advice" she has been getting has been really childish, responses to how she could become more popular included "try to be more hot and sexy!)

She has always been difficult to engage with, (not easy to get her to talk) she doesn't tend to see things through, acting, horse riding, piano etc . i am guilty of calling her grumpy, looks like i got it wrong.

What can i do to support her, encourage her or do with her to start to re-build her confidence and self esteem?

Hi MDUK

Teens are difficult aren't they? My DD is 15 now and ok I'm biased but I think she's stunning. Many of my friends tell me too how stunning she is but she also has self confidence issues.

But take a step back and be brutally honest with yourself about your DD's appearance. Now you may think that little bit of extra weight isn't a problem and she'll grow up and out of it. But her peers will be ruthless about it.

Ditto with clothes, make up & spots. Teenage girls are bitches. end of.

So if for example an area is that she doesn't have up to date clothes then over time build this up. Let her pick the clothes as she'll be more aware what all the other sheep teenagers are wearing.

I agree, if she wants get her a decent hair cut where she'll feel more confident. My DD just had highlights put in. Luckily a good friend of mine works in a 5* salon so I got a decent discount but I feel for you ladies. Haircuts are not cheap! I moaned when our barber went up to £6 a cut!

If it's weight which is the issue then I have to say that exercise whilst important is a pretty crap way of losing weight. And if she is overweight then to start exercising now will probably make her lose confidence and feel even more self concious. I'd suggest with finding out what in her diet is causing this and getting rid. If it's too much cake/junk food, don't buy it. Cook healthier meals, smaller portions. Once she sees the weight fall, this will boost her confidence then you can approach the rest.

HTH

Hi, thanks for the replies.

To be honest weight is not really an issues, she is bigger than her friends so may feel self conscious but this is just the fact she is taller (5'9") and more developed. Her friends are still straight with no boobs!

She can go to gym classes with her mum, she is not doing much excercise ATM so it's not a bad idea.

I am more concerned about the posts that she wants to be have a better personality and be more interesting. She is very shy, i thought she had a nice group of friends but i am wondering if her inabilibty to talk to people or stand up in class is attracting negative comments.

I am hoping for some advice for activieties i can get her to try, either on her own or with me or DW. Things that will improve her feelings of self worth

I take on board the suggestion that i shoud praise her more, i am more likely to critisice what she does rather than look for positives :(

mduk...how about a trip to the hairdressers for a new hairstyle/ a shopping trip for new clothes/ slumber parties/ friends over etc am sure you get the gist..just to give her that bit of a boost..

as a mum ( have 4 grown up children) this is quite normal for children to feel low self esteem and less confident...this is because they are trying to find their place in the world and piece it all together...

also she may feel she is unpopular as she is developed and the other girls may be quite jealous and bitchy about this

am sure you are doing this but lots of praise/ encouragement/ hth x

Hi MDUK.

Sorry to labour the point but re the weight thing. The important thing is not if YOU think there's a problem. Does SHE think there's a problem? Most girl's at school are still very very slim. Esp the popular ones. Not helped by the media and peer pressure.

If she thinks she's fat then there's a problem. Regardless of whether or not you agree. Obviously how you approach the solution will differ.

Confidence is a funny old thing. I've not fully cracked this one with my DD yet either. But I have been using the praise, encouragement and reassurance thing mentioned by the others. It's helped but it's not a silver bullet.

Other female friends have told me that they gained a lot more confidence when they got a part time job. I know your DD is a little young yet but maybe look into volunteering?

Hi
I too have teenage daughters, 16 and 18 and I think the first thing to remember is don't panic. I think it is perfectly normal for teenagers to feel out of place and wanting to fit in. Unless there are other warning signs that she is unhappy try not to worry too much.

Having teenagers is like walking an eternal tightrope. There are frequently days when they leave in the morning so worried about something that my stomach is in knots all day, only to find when they come home that everything was fine for them five minutes after they left me.

Talk to her, love her and do not criticise. Take a deep breadth before even calling her grumpy. Much as children rail against us we are still important to them and if our relationships are worthwhile they value our opinions.

Best of luck!

thanks everyone, helped to talk

niceguy, i like the p/t job idea. i'm going to look into a saturday job for her.

but i will look for ways to praise here as well :)

Can you encourage her to join a drama club?

My dd(13) did this a few years ago and her self confidence rocketed. She would even speak in front of her class before then but now I cant stop her.

Dd joined a dance class too btw. That helped her feel more confident about her body. Last month she performed a small showcase in front of hundreds of people.

I have a dd of 17 and she was a lot like your daugther at 14. The in-between years can be difficult for some children and sometimes the best thing can be to support quietly and sit it out. At 14 they think everyone else is having a great time, has lots of bf's, parties, etc but mostly they are not.
We had a number of 'negative' years with my daughter and we suggested lots of things - but they only worked when she was ready. My dd is very happy with her life now but it came when she matured and learnt to deal with differences and found social and academic work stuff she enjoyed... instead of following the crowd.
Avoid, avoid, avoid any negatives about weight and stick to telling her she's lovely, listen and talk to each other. Things imrpove but I'm not sure if it's because of what we do or because they mature and change.