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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

only child aged 13, what do you do at weekends and evenings?

22 replies

overthemill · 21/04/2012 20:53

My de is now effectively an only being literally an only 50% of the time when step siblings not here and most other times they, being older, are out with their mates..she doesn't go to bed until 9.30 weeknights and 10 ish weekends. She generally lies on her bed and reads or listens to music on her iPod. We live in small village and she has no friends here. Too far to walk anywhere though happy to take her to friends if she wants.
Her friends seem to be the eldest in family and there mums don't let them play out much. No social activities here like cinema or bowling.
Should I be worried? Should I play games, scrabble etc? I have no idea, older two occupy her when here but I fear she's getting a raw deal.
Btw, am a teacher so always marking in evening!

OP posts:

ToothbrushThief · 21/04/2012 20:55

Buy bikes and take her cycling?

Original poster

overthemill · 21/04/2012 21:00

We have bikes but she hasn't really enjoyed cycling for a while. Thu more concerned about evenings that day time

OP posts:

Original poster

overthemill · 21/04/2012 21:01

We do sporty stuff and have dogs.

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Mrsrobertduvall · 21/04/2012 21:02

Mine don't go out in the evenings...they are 13 and 15.
But both busy during the day at the weekends.

Original poster

overthemill · 21/04/2012 21:13

Aha! Nut they have each other to occupy. I need ideas , advice for an only child

OP posts:

BerryMenlove · 21/04/2012 22:26

Being an only can feel very isolating at times.
My parents would not play board games with me so that was a no-no, even though I would have loved that. I found I mostly read books/magazines, watched films in my bedroom, played computer games, single-person card games. Quite sedentary really but I was never an active person. still not
I suppose teens at least have the internet to reach the outside world now!
Is it possible you could have one evening off from marking each week where you go out together- something you both like or a gym class etc.

RubyFakeNails · 21/04/2012 23:37

I was an only, I wasn't as isolated as your DD as lived in centralish London but I can empathise about friends not being allowed out etc. Also my mum and dad both worked long hours too so I had a lot of time on my own.

My mum however took me to the cinema or for dinner one evening a week. Also my dad used to watch a film at home with me and found a certain tv series we could follow together. Meant I became very close to both of them and stemmed my boredom.

If you don't have entertainment places you could go, what about cooking together. DD1, DS and I find a recipe for each course (one of us does starter, one does main etc) then we cook together every tuesday then have a good chat over dinner.

Sorry my post is so inarticulate but I just suggest trying to find something to do one night a week with her. She may know you have to do your marking so not want to ask for more attention.

ToothbrushThief · 22/04/2012 07:57

Many families with teens find they ignore each other and sit playing on internet all evening. I don't think she's that different to families with more than one child. What she can benefit from, is quality time with you whilst you cook and eat. I'd designate that time to focus on her, conversation about school, friends, your job, life, news, politics....before both doing your own thing with the rest of the evening.

Original poster

overthemill · 22/04/2012 10:23

good ideas here, thanks! I can put aside one night a week to have 'us' time and cooking together is a good idea. She does cook and one night a week when i am out lateish she does cook simple dnners.

I love the idea of going out together - going to suggest window shopping trip today with starbucks. That would be good for both of us.

any more ideas???

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Sarcalogos · 22/04/2012 10:29

Get her to join a club? Is there anything in the village?

When she is 14 she would be old enough to be a 'young leader' with brownies/rainbows, if they have them in the village (or a nearby one!) she'd be getting leadership experience/fun/meeting new people. Chances are that thorough doing that she'd get access to a range of other activities experiences/friends.

Cooking and games night is a good one as well, I think I'd do that.

Original poster

overthemill · 22/04/2012 11:29

no clubs in village. she used to do brownies and guides in next village but doesn't really enjoy it now. would like her to do rangers/queen's guides but activities have to be her choice of course!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2012 14:54

Do you have classes like yoga or zumba near you? Is there a gym you could join together?

Gumby · 22/04/2012 14:58

Yes don't you do family stuff at weekends?
We used to go for walks, shopping, garden centres & had coffee & cake, go to national trust places
We had hobbies too - horse riding etc
Could you go swimming together or join a leisure centre?

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2012 15:13

Could you let her have a sleepover night every week? It is a bit lonely when there are just the two of you in the house - I do feel for you.

Original poster

overthemill · 22/04/2012 16:32

we do 'family' stuff but when it's just her and me and sometimes dh, it does feel slightly strained! we always used to do the whole national trust thing with all of them but with just her at this age it doesn't feel like she's getting much out of it. She can have sleepovers anything - we are very relaxed with this our third child - well my only, his third - and in no way is she pfb but her mates are not allowed to do much hence her being alone, and stuck with us!

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MissPoppy · 22/04/2012 16:45

We also have one child and live in a remote village. I have thought many times it would be easier to live in the local town but I love living in a village so except I have to drive my DD everywhere!. Friday nights is the roller disco in town where she meets up with her friends and loves this. Saturday she is at the rowing club which is great as it is racing, exercising and sort of like a youth club. Saturday night might be cinema with friends or me or a family night at home with special dinner and movie night - also try and allow friends for occasional sleep over but I have to say I hate this! Sunday is rowing races or bike rides, home work or something else. Yes we play board games etc and yes it is hard work having just one as they do expect you to be entertainment. There must be lots of organisations near you though, cadets such as sea or army, scouts, D of E, sports clubs. We also swim three times a week after school!

BackforGood · 22/04/2012 16:53

Well my 13 yr old dd isn't an 'only', but, over the last few months has started to choose to take herself off into her bedroom to be on her own. I think that is a pretty normal developmental teenage phase.

febel · 27/04/2012 17:42

Our yd is also in effect an only cos her sisters are at uni/out if they are at home a lot of the time..shame you don't live near! We are facing first time holiday with just her this year too. Re the family things at weekend, mine like clothes shopping (groan) and will come out walking with us occassionally, but not without lots of moanin..tho once she's out she's fine. seh does doa music group on saturday til 1pm so that's some of the day used up. How about canoeing, climbing, youth groups, even gardening?! It is very difficult at this age..and don't worry about the lack of friends in your village, we have lots of pple within 5-10 min drive of hour house in the suburbs but she still doens't see them cos "nobody goes round to each others houses mum, we just don't!...tho I notice now she has a byfriend they will visit each others!Think she just doesn't know what to do when they come round.

FairPhyllis · 28/04/2012 07:42

I was an only and lived in a village too. There was no public transport to speak of so I was totally dependent on getting lifts. And most of my friends lived in the city where I went to school.

Mon-Thur I always had a lot of homework - up to 2 hrs a night, so I'm afraid that's pretty much what I spent my time on. I used to read the paper and watch tv until dinner at about 6.30, then do homework 7-9. Then I used to watch a bit of TV with my parents, read or phone friends. I went to a keep fit class or ballroom dancing with my mum one night a week and sometimes went swimming on Friday nights, and occasionally went running with my dad, or went out for a walk or bike ride after dinner. I also used to look after and play with my pet rabbit in the evenings. I did Guides until I was about 13 and when I was a bit older I sometimes stayed on at school late for drama rehearsals and concerts.

At weekends from the age of about 13 I started going into town on Saturdays with my friends to go shopping, or to the cinema, or spent the day at a friend's house. Other than that, all I ever wanted was to be left alone so I could read by myself, but mum and dad kept dragging me out to garden centres, car boot sales (shudder) and the like at the weekend. We were all also in a walking club, so spent 1 day a month out hiking. Sometimes I went shopping with mum or was bored rigid by taken by my dad to various motorbike shows. Mum and I are also dolls house enthusiasts, so we used to go to miniatures fairs sometimes.

It's a bit tough if she is not really used to being an only - you tend to be much more resilient about it if you have never known any different - and I was extremely close to my parents. My suggestions would be: her own pet, an organisation like Scouts/Sea Scouts/St John Ambulance/ATC/army cadets/youth theatre/music group. Cooking is a good idea. Maybe join a DofE unit that meets in the evenings? Make walking the dogs her job?

I actually think that boredom is an essential part of childhood/adolescence though.

ExitPursuedByABear · 10/05/2012 15:02

Agree that boredom is an essential part of growing up.

My DD is 12 and an only. She has homework most nights but then watches tv, bbms her mates etc. She has guides one night, dancing another and used to ride on another evening, plus netball training another evening. She now loans a pony so rides on Saturday and Sunday, and also plays netball on a Sunday.

She goes to the local village with her mates on a Saturday if she has time.

I worry about her doing too much to be honest.

If we are stuck in the house we play board games/card games or bake.

Bucharest · 10/05/2012 15:07

I am an only with an only.....tbh, I'd be expecting her at 13 to sort her own free time out.

Small place or not,surely there is someone or somewhere she wants to be that isn't with you? I'd have thought that at 13 the idea of going-somewhere-with-mum would be pretty much a last chance saloon option...(thinking about when I was 13, and the 13 yr olds I teach who would all rather cross the road than even walk alongside their parents for any length of time.)

Has she said she's lonely? If not then don't sweat it. I was antisocial as hell as a teenager. Until the boy thing came along.

empirestateofmind · 14/05/2012 13:02

My 13YO is busy doing homework and music practice on school evenings. There isn't time for much else. At the weekends she often sees friends for one day and then does homework on the other day.

She goes for long walks with DH, watches films and messes about on her laptop when at a loose end. She seems perfectly happy with this.

She does have an older sister but DD1 is working a lot for exams so isn't much use for entertainment at the moment.

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