The best of friends, the worst of enemies

[niceguy2]

Hi all

Not sure if anyone can help me with words of wisdom. I know my hands are tied for now but I'm just so frustrated that even writing it down helps.

My DD(15) was part of a little group of friends. Four of them. One of them was frankly a pain in the arse. She was always causing problems, stirring, lying etc. She seemed only happy if someone in the group was being excluded and fed off the unhappiness of others.

I can only guess she has low self esteem issues given the way she carries on and the way she talks to her parents is utterly disgusting. And this was her parents telling ME! She was sleeping with her boyfriend at 13 and stays with him despite the fact he tells her to "F*ck off" on a regular basis.

Anyway, roll on to recently and finally as I predicted they've all had enough of her and they excluded her from their little group. Calm ensued within the little remaining threesome and they all just get along now.

However, this girl has now 'got in' with another couple of girls and she seems hell bent on causing trouble for my DD and her friends. There's the spreading of false rumours, the dirty looks, the snidey comments, the cyber bullying on facebook. At the moment apparently there's some rumour which my DD won't tell me which has resulted in 'everyone hating us'.

I'm desperate to step in and deal with it. I know the girl's parents and they are decent people who I am sure would deal with it firmly if they knew. But my DD is equally adamant that I don't do anything and I've promised her I won't step in unless she asks me to. I'm also mindful that at 15, I cannot be seen to always fight her battles for her. Such a thing I know would be considered very uncool at school.

So I am resigned to just listening to what the latest crap rumour this girl is spreading or reading the shitty comments her new mates are leaving on FB. When secretly inside I imagine pulling the arms off the girl.

Grrr. Teenagers!

Anyone had similar and how did you/your child deal with it?

God how grateful I am to not be that age anymore. It sounds to me like you're doing the right thing already - being available to listen and offer advice, but not taking over. You'll know if it gets serious enough that you have to step in.

Cyber bullying is something that doesn't need to be tolerated though,has your daughter reported any of this, as is possible on Facebook? If not I suggest you talk to her about doing so.

With your advice, because god knows we deal with these kind of girls at all stages of life, your daughter will learn how to appropriately deal with this. I'm sure it's bloody horrible, and this girl does sound like the stereotypical insecure b of the school!

Good luck to you both

They do need to sort out their own affairs, your dd is probably a sensible girl and her and her friends will work out a way to deal with this issue, which will be the first of many in life

having you as a sounding board will be good for her and hopefully she will use your support - just let her know you are there for them all if they need to talk. Keep her wishes in mind will let her come to you in the future as well, as she will know that she can trust you.

God, they're horrid aren't they? I'm so greatful that DD is almost out the other side of this nonsence!

You're right, of course, you just have to let them get on with it. Are they yr10 or yr11? Is there a chance that they won't all be together at school from next year, in other words.

Either way, I wonder if it would be a good idea to take screen shots of the Facebook stuff and keep it somewhere safe, just in case it gets really nasty.

Buy and read 'Queen Bees and Wannabees' just for your own sake, and maybe let your DD and her friends read it too. They sound like girls who have their heads screwed on if they have decided this girl is more trouble than she is worth. I think they all need to sort it out themselves - maybe the book would help them see it in perspective?

Get the screen shots as MaureenMLove advises. Most schools have a policy about this. Keep them up your sleeve and use judiciously.

Just as an aside, I don't think decent people would be raising a girl who sleeps with her bf at 13 and has so little self esteem that she clings to him despite the way he talks to her. There is something wrong in her home life.

Thanks for the replies so far. You may be right Math, I guess i should say that they 'seem' like decent people from what I've seen. But who knows what goes on behind closed doors? I'd like to hope there isn't anything untowards going on really but she really is out of control.

Anyway it's all come to a head today. Apparently more rumours have been spread and to the point where another girl who isn't even part of the two groups had enough and reported it to the teachers.

Since then facebook pages have been printed and my daughter and her friends have made statements about what's been going on. Not sure if the other girl's have done so yet.

It's also come out now that two of the girl's have been going around making racist comments. One left a message on facebook but quickly deleted it when another student pointed out the fact it is racist.

I've spoken to the form tutor tonight and will follow it up with him tomorrow as well as the head. The racist remarks have crossed the line now and I will ensure it gets dealt with now.

Well unpleasant though it all is, I'm glad it will probably all be dealt with and you will be off the hook and not Bad Parent Of The Year in your DD's eyes for intervening on her behalf.

Brave girl whoever she was for speaking up.

I hope when the dust settles your DD and her friends will have a much more peaceful time in school.

I would be inclined to tell what I knew about the out of control behaviour of the teen who has been causing all of this misery for everyone, in confidence if possible. The school may have some pastoral care responsibilities to someone who seems to be at risk as she does.

Just an update.

School followed it up and have taken the racist remarks very seriously. I think the girls really shot themselves in the foot with this one as schools must report all racist incidents to the LEA which means they must follow process to the letter.

Luckily the girls admitted to making the remarks and as a result have been temporarily excluded. I think my DDs ex-best friend will learn from this. The other girl....well time will tell.

So am hoping this will be the end of it. My DD seems relieved and glad that something has been done about it. Thanks all

Hope they won't just get smarter about it for the next time.

Well that's always the risk. That's why I'm not letting my guard down for now.