DD asking if friend can stay with us

[Blueskyclouds]

DD (18) is asking if her friend can stay with us "just for a couple of days" as she is having fierce arguments with her mother. DD has been friends with her since they were at primary school but really, the friendship has always seemed be more valued by DD than her friend they often don't see each other for ages.

I don't mind her staying literally for two days but much beyond that and it becomes quite difficult for us to continue with our usual lives and take her into account (meals, work, going out etc). Her friend was at college but has dropped out of her course and would be hanging around the house when we are all out (college, school and work).

I am a bit worried that DD is not thinking this through and she is implying we would be horrible people not to invite her poor friend to stay with us as she "has nowhere else to go". I do feel sorry for her but I think there is probably more to the arguments than meets the eye and of course DD will be getting her friend's perspective only. I don't want to be unsympathetic and my instinct is to say yes but only for two days, strictly. Would this be reasonable?

I think i would be inclined to say no but say the girl is welcome to stay at the weekend to take some pressure of her and her mum a break from each other
, I think if she has dropped out of college then she would be hanging around the house while nobody is in I dont think i would be comfy with that ,

I would say yes ,but I'm a soft touch.

Absolutely not!! From experience within my year group the one or more following will happen : money will go missing / phone misuse / it will be a lot longer / it will become a regular thing / girl's parents will be cross / issue with taking clothes / issues with going out / issues with other 'friends' or boyfriends visiting.

Good idea about just inviting her for the weekend. ( = 2 days).

If you don't feel comfortable about her staying YANBU.

In fact you would be enabling her not to sort out her own stuff with her mother.
Also the fact that she has already dropped out of college, she needs to take responsibility for her own life choices.

Sounds like she's looking for an easy way out/escape route by appealing to your daughter to stay with her.

I have a 20 year-old. His friends are always welcome and if needed stay the night or weekend. But I would be loathe to "foster" any teenagers for longer.

Thanks happilyconfused you have just spelled out some fears I had myself and I can see these issues could arise. Good idea, Mrsjay (I love Jays btw) I may suggest that as I, too, feel a bit at the thought of her in the house alone. I am also a bit of a soft touch, usualsuspect which sometimes backfires on me!

Wise words suburbophobe I hadn't thought of that angle, you are probably right. Mumsnet is so great for this, being able to get different perspectives.
Hope you wouldn't mind me borrowing your phrase "I'm not running a B&B"

are you just going to go for the she can stay at the weekend then ? i think your daughter will be a bit annoyed with you but the mum of the friend is maybe peed off that her daughter has dropped out of college blah blah and you dont want to get involved with all that imo ,

Yes, that's the plan now thanks Mrsjay I don't want to be involved in their dispute and I can sympathise with her mum too. Just waiting for DD's response to my text.

I was going to come on this thread and say, 'Of course you should let her stay...' but there is something about the way you wrote your post about the friend, that reminds me of a friend that I had myself when I was 17.

She put a lot of pressure on me to stay with me/us when she was having issues with her mother and it was all just a nightmare. Long story, not worth repeating here.

I would be very wary about this. Is your DD being pressured to ask you?

I agree a weekend sounds very reasonable.

Linerunner, I don't know if DD is being pressured or not as she has been communicating by phone as she is at the cinema with DD2. She is a good natured person so won't necessarily see pressure as such and just see it as her friend being in need of support and she is wanting to give her a break.

She hasn't replied to my "not now, but weekend is fine" text yet.

Well I think that was a very kind offer, to have your DD's friend for the weekend - was the offer gratefully accepted?

Good luck.

I've had this crop up before and I'm afraid I said no as the girl involved was drinking heavily, hanging out with the naughty kids and rowing with her mother. I just didn't want to get involved in someone else's shite and I feared that she'd try to drag my girl down. Selfish, maybe, but I'm a single mum and life's hard enough as it is! :)

Just another little thought, from another perspective... Speaking as a mother of a 16yo who didn't come home and wouldn't say where he was, If you do end up saying 'yes', please consider that the girl's mother probably hasn't may not have been told anything, and may be desperately worried about her whereabouts. Please consider saying "OK, but I'll just give your mum a ring - what's her number?" :)

Hi flow4 It turns out her mother knew all about the plan (and we know each other, so I have her number and she has mine) but DD's friend apparently decided to stay and try to resolve their differences. So she didn't come over but may still stay for a night anyway.

Thanks for everyone's input, it was helpful, especially if the same thing happens again in the future, which is a possibility

I would say no with just the information provided in your OP, sounds like the arguments could possibly be stemed from the expectation that mum does not want her to be out of education or employment, I would not want to reinforce that is right and that her mum is wrong or anything as if this is the case she will return home with Blues understands etc etc and that could be very dificult for the mum if her dd can just opt out and go to yours when lifes preasures are too much.

sorry just seen your last post