What should I do???

[03angels]

My 14 yr old DD2 has just left after an argument on Saturday to go live with her dad my EXDH- I am devastated as is dd3 and DP( step dd of 11 yrs) I don't know what to do- do I demand she comes back or leave her see the grass isn't greener??? :(

I read this post and really felt for you. It might help for you to know that my best friend's DD did the same thing - was going through rebellious phase at 14, staying out all night, drinking, friends were a bad influence. Friend's DD ended up moving to dad's, claiming it would be better there (mum was coming down hard on her). She lasted one week at dad's and cried to come home, but her mum made her stay for a month to learn her lesson that grass is in fact NOT greener.

Hi coy
I honestly thought that this would be what dd2 would do- its been 5 days and shes showing no signs of coming home- why would she when ExH is giving her money everyday, she can come and go as she pleases, has no chores or wingy/clingy lil sis, her own room- on and best of all
She doesn't have to put up with me- 'the bitch' I can't even compete and exH is bees kness as he is doing no 'real' parenting!!! I'm honestly heartbroken and as Iv got 2 other dd's to think of - its during the night that hits me- It's like I'm mourning her- I know I should never say that but that's how i honestly feel right now! She was supposed to stay on a wed night but as we are moving so in between houses she decided she wouldn't stay this week! So I will see if she comes to 'visit' on Monday??

Thankyou all so very much for your support ladies- its very much appreciated xx

Hang in there 03angels. I personally don't believe that the grass will remain greener at dad's. I am wondering what kind of situations your ex will find himself in with her, particularly as you said he does no real parenting. Also worth considering is that your DD seems to be enjoying the "power" she has over you in terms of coming to visit. It's a small thing, really, but a big deal to a 14 year old who craves self-assertion and independence, all very typical behaviors. Be strong and patient. Also, she will undoubtedly have trouble admitting that she misses home, even for the small comforts, structure, siblings etc., not even factoring in the stuff that will go wrong at dad's once the novelty wears off. Storming away and moving out as a result of an argument are not acceptable behaviors in the real world and this can really be a big learning experience for her in the long run. Just remember that you still are, and will always be, the number one influence in her life, so you just have to ride this one out.

Thanks coy- really do appreciate your advice. It's been a very hard week, dd2 now has a phone and has txt both me and dp saying she is coming to see us tmoro and she loves and misses us, so it's a start and she initiated contact

Thanks for all the advice MN ladies- I'm sure il be needed more so please don't abandon me just yet x

Hey, that's sounding hopeful :) I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

Thanks flow4
Well dd2 has asked to come home- which is great- this has caused problems with dd1 who has also been hurt watching me upset. Grrrrr kids eh- who woul have em

Thanks so very much to everyone who has taken the time to give advice - I have greatly appreciated this- I'm sure il be back for more hand holding and advise soon xx

Just seen this thread. What a horrible time you've had. I was going to come on and say that if you think of it as her being on holiday with her dad, it might help. Tell him to piss off re child support - tell him you'll match what he's paid you.

I think it can help to withdraw a little in these situations - if you constantly phone or text or plead (not saying you were) then they feel in a position of power and it brings out the worst in them. If you just play it cool a bit, as though you're managing fine, I think it brings them to heel quicker.

Hope everything's OK now she's back.

Thanks imperial- she's not back yet- told her she can stay till Monday- wont do her dd any harm havin her a few extra days and believe me he was told to piss off about the child ben!!
Think it's been harder as his new wife had gave up custody of all 4 of her kids when they were little now she was telling me how to be a parent grrr
Guess it'll all work itself out in the end

Do you know why your daughter came back? Do you think her dad was fed up of playing happy families with her?

She said she missed us- but she also said her step mum has not spoken to her dad in the week she's been there! So I think that has a lot to do with it!

Hi all- just thought I'd stop by with a quick update! Dd2 is back- new ground rules and so far so good!! Really don't know how I wudve coped without the support of MNetters- so thanks again from the bottom of my heart

I'm really glad it seems to be working out for you :) I'll keep my fingers crossed!

Thank you so much Flow4

I can't imagine how awful this last month has been for you OP.

I'm so glad your DD is back with you.

My friend is going through similar with her 12yo DD - it is heartbreaking to see. She has been living with her father and step-mother for a year now, changed secondary schools and will not visit her mother at all. Heartbreaking.

Aww thanks Tory- I really feel for you're friend- I can't explain the pain I felt. My only saving grace is that her step mum really dislikes my girls!! She finds them and me a threat to her and dd stated she never spoke to her for the 3 weeks she was there! I felt so bad for her but I'm glad she's home! Fingers crossed you're friends daughter grows up soon and realises what she's putting her mother through