DS 15 has let his mates trash his DF's flat

[treesonfire]

My 15 year old DS has keys to his DF's flat so he can let himself in when he visits as often DF works late. The rules of being entrusted with the keys were that he wasn't to take his scummy mates there.

Anyway DS's DF (my exDP) goes on holiday for a week and comes back to find his flat trashed (his words) - actually not that bad, but evidence that DS's mates have indeed been there - empty cigarette packets, a bit of alcohol missing, bedroom seemingly having been rummaged through, some very minor damage and furniture moved as though a group have been sitting around. Ex DP is understandably upset and angry , and seemingly incapable of speaking to DS about this without losing his temper big time - not violent, but just useless at resolving situations. He will IMHO upset DS and drive him further towards his mates.

I'm feeling that exDP is incapable of handling this well, but that DS needs to face up to the reality of what he's allowed to happen. I'm seeing it more as an abuse of trust by DS and a sign that his mates cannot be trusted and have let DS down, rather than crime of the century (which is how exDP will see it when he calms down).

By the way, my relationship with exDP is fairly good and DS is not showing any signs that he's worried about anything or concerned about seeing his DF.

So how do I handle this? Should I just keep out of it and let exDP deal with it in his own inadequate way, or do I have a role to play?

Any ideas/thoughts/guidance, please.

hi,I am sorry you are in an awful situation stuck in the middle.Its a hard problem to deal with.I would suggest that you and DP sit down and discuss first what Ds punishment should be.prehaps taking the keys off him untill he can prove he can be trusted and maybe working out a payment plan for damage caused or cost to clean the mess up.I know that with some kids the fact that they have disappointed you so much is upsetting to them.Df doesn't need to shout at him to show his disappointment,in fact shouting will just do the opposite and encourage Ds to get into a battle with you.Time is also of the essence as left to long to speak to Ds and it will be counterproductive.teens are a bit like puppies,if you don't catch them in the act then and there and reprimand them,they forget and can't understand what the fuss is about!.I think your main role would be to support the sanctions df dishes out whether you agree or not in front of your teen.if you don't agree then speak to df in private
hope it gets sorted and good luck

Your exDP needs to take the key away and then make the DS pay for damage.

I think you need to let the DP do and say whatever he feels like saying to the DS and not try to be some kind of buffer or assume he will be useless or get it wrong. Getting shouted at wouldn't be too inappropriate for something like this in my book, and pussyfooting around the DS for fear of driving him towards his mates seems to me to be a recipe for letting him get away with all sorts of stuff.

This is quite a big breach of trust. Bedrooms have been rummaged through. I would go ballistic, myself, personally. I think you need to step back and let the exDP rip.

This is your exp's issue to resolve really. You should let him get on with it.

But you could also talk to your ds about how his father is feeling, help him to understand why he is so upset, and talk about what amends he might make.

You should be supporting your dp in whatever punishment he deems fit, not moaning that he is incapable of dealing with it and is upsetting diddums.

If he were mine, he;d never be allowed in my house again on his own.

I would talk to X about how does he want to handle this. It's impossible not to be somewhat involved, from what OP says. Pin the X down to what he wants to do & guide him a bit towards doing exactly that & nowt else.

If your son had trashed your home, would you want or expect your ex to be involved in dealing with it or disciplining him?

Well, what X has actually done is calmed down and then told DS what happened to his flat (as if DS didn't know). Apparently DS denied any involvement/knowlwdge. So X says has DS round to help him mend something that got broken. This turned out to be something of a treat for DS whose DF doesn't have that much contact with him. And then the next day X takes him to the cinema! He's let him keep the flat keys "so he can demonstrate he can be trusted".

So its clearly in DS's interest to arrange for trashing of his DFs flat on a regular basis as it seems a way to get X's attention - prat