friendly hello from your future

[beentheredonethat2]

Hi,I have never posted on here before but have read and re read your posts over the years and it is what has kept me sane.I can sympathise with each of you and can honestly say that 99% of problems you have had,I have had.To introduce myself,I am a married mother of three. DS1-19YRS,DS2-18YRS and DD-11YRS.I am also a police officer and have had to lead the double life you have talked about and advise other parents about there wayward kids whilst going home to complete chaos myself,so I totally understand.DS1 from ages 13-17yrs was/is a computer addict,no interest ion life,school stays up all night and sleeps all day.He was also the child that decided to smoke weed.I have had countless sleepless nights about him especially due to my job.After riding the storm with him and completely refusing acceptance of drugs,keeping him in,if his friends called i would send them away,took his phone of him so no contact and took his bank card of him,I think we broke the cycle.Yes he was not happy about it but fortunately he is the quiet one,non communicative and very even tempered so we did not have the kick offs.Today he is a different boy,although still computer addict,he works full time and rarely goes out drinking.I guess he just grew up or was to lazy to fight against us.
DS2-was a different kettle of fish all together.From the ages of 11 we had aggression,damage to our home,threats of suicide(and murder towards us),knives,alcohol,non school attendance and he even reported us to the police due to me dragging him out of bed and making him go to school.Bearing in mind he is 6ft and 14 stone and I am 5ft2.Dissapointingly even though I contacted the school and told him that i had ripped his jumper due to physically dragging him out the house and into the car,they still contacted the police stating that he had said he was assaulted and they had to listen to him.I guess this was my lowest point.Colleagues and social services were involved as my husband was interviewed by police.Of course there was no action as there was no crime but the damage was done mentally.My husband refused to ever discipline DS2 again for shame of being interviewed and DS2 had the power to control.The worse stage was from 13 - 16yrs(peeking when he was 14).I dont know how DH and I survived.I honestly thought the boys were going to kill me with stress.I felt sick every morning,my body constantly pumping adrenalin ready for next kick off.
My DD whom was 8/9yrs at the time lived in constant fear of the hulk waking up and ruining everyone day.
I guess I am writing now to say.Hang in there.There is light at the end of the tunnel.DS2 was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at 16yrs and he had to take responsibility for himself,he realised he needed us.He now is driving,holds down a good full time job,is no longer aggressive and is the most family orientated lad I know,considering he hated his family.It was his grans birthday yesterday and he took it upon himself to visit her and take her for lunch(withou prompting).I never thought I would see the day as I honestly thought he would be in prison for assault due to his uncontrollable temper.I dont know how it happens,but the problems just get less and less.You realise that from having daily problems its,once a week then once a month and so on.
Dont get me wrong things are not perfect but then nobodys perfect but having issues once a year,i can live with.I just wanted to reassure you all that it does end and you DO survive.I know in 5 years time people with ask me about my kids and I will be saying with rose tinted glasses how they were good boys that didnt give me any trouble as I would have buried the nightmare so deep into my brain that I will not want to remember it,that is why I am writing it down so I can have a reality check when this does happen.Thanks for reading.If i can help you with anything dont hesitate to ask.

Dear Beenthere,

You sould like a lovely parent and although you have been through all the trauma you should be very proud of yourself to have come out the other end with 2 sons that you are very proud of.

Good luck for their future xxx

Hmm you are my utter nightmare future, of which i dread with vomit in my mouth, regardless of good outcomes, it is the journey i am frightened of.

We had the misfortune of making a decision to allow my 16 year old neice move in with us when she stopped getting along with her mum.
We then had 2 years of hell, police visits, breaking curfews, not coming home for days on end, every weekend getting arrested for asaults on police officers, drunk & disorderly, sacked from her job..on and on it went.

We are good people, DH is a college lectrurer, i am a nursing sister, we had just bought our house and were working all hours to fund the work that needed to be done on our house.

I really, to this day, do not know how we coped with it all.
It has set us up with some skills to cope with with our own child when the time comes.
I make no bones about it, the time will come.

My neice is now utterly utterly gorgeous. She has a fantastic job, 2 children of her own and is a lovely girl. She once said that she was so sorry for it all and embarrassed and doesnt know what she was thinking. I still adore her, despite all of that.

sigh, dreading it.

Thankyou Trish for your kind comments.I do not feel I have been a good mum but the best I could be.I just had to make up rules as I went along and tailor them to each child.You just realise what you will put up with and what you wont and pick your battles accordingly.I have no tongue left due to biting it so much.
Mrsnesbit- dont worry to much(leave that to when things happen).You have the benefit of hindsight of knowing what the future holds.Most parents of teens are in utter shock as they cant comprehend how hateful there children can be.How they can sit and watch you break your heart then selfishly ask you to make them dinner!!.You are expecting the worst and might find that your child is considerably better.I truly believe that no matter what you work as,what your financial status is or morals,teens do not care and will rebel.Due to having three and each one is completely different,i think their personality(not genetic make up)decides on how bad they will be.As i said,eldest was sheer lazy and easier to control because he couldnt be bothered with the hassle.DS2 was confident and fought us every step of the way.DD3 appears(so far)to be very mild tempered,helpful and strives to be a vet.I feel more able to cope with DD3 as like you I will expect the worst and anything less is a bonus also knowing that it does get better,helps.When I was going through it with boys I never thought it would ever end and certainly not with a good outcome!but it does.I am waiting for an apology from the boys but prehaps it is a bit too soon.There is now a softness in his face when he talks to me now instead of hate.I am also just starting to like him again after 4 years of dislike,but of course like you I adore them,that is why we put up with it.

Thank you for posting here, I think your insight it invaluable and I think you have done an excellent job of simply "hanging-in there" when things seemed so bleak. I haven't had any REALLY serious problems (yet), but have had the shock of second ds being completely different from ds1 (who was/is an angel). I think we all underestimate what an amazing effect hormones have on these young people and that if you can reasonably weather the storm, remain consistent and keep reading mumsnet (!), you can come through it. Your post gives me hope that my concerns for my ds2 will eventually run their course and life will be less stressful again.

Thanks xx

Thanks for posting this Beenthere - it's good to know you aren't alone when the chips are down, isn't it ? Some of the threads on here have kept me sane.
Good to know things are going well for you now

Thank you all,I'm glad my post gives you hope that things do turn out ok.If you have put the good upbringing in when they are little it eventually comes back when they are older.Reading through everyone post again brings it all back.the sheer desperation you feel.I certainly appreciate now that I can sit and watch telly,have a glass of wine if I like(coz I'm not out picking and dropping off four times a night).funny thing is I don't need a glass now unlike a few years ago when I could have happily drunk a bottle just to sleep.I know what time I am going to bed and that I won't be woken up during the night for some incident that's occurred.Its little things like that make you feel human again and not a slave to your kids.

Thanks for posting, it must have been so hard to reconcile your job with what you had to deal with at home. We had the same with SS getting involved when DH restrained DD to stop her hurting herself, hurting me (I'm six inches shorter than she is) and trashing the house- suddenly -there was a 'culture of violence' in the house, DH found himself under scrutiny and we wre told just to call the police when she kicked off. I'm not sure what we were meant to do while we were waiting. Funnily enough, the only people that have been consistently helpful and talked sense were the police. From the one that found her after her overdose, the ones that found her wandering in London at 10.30pm on a Saturday to the ones that finally arrested her after she assaulted me.
I can only hope that things will get better and that she will accept the help that is offered. Hope has been thin on the ground but your post does show that things can come right in the end.

bright spark,you poor thing.You have been to hell and back.I hope the phase is over soon for you.Just keep going,one day at a time.Try not think of what ifs.just deal with situation as it rises.The police can be good if you get the right officer.Unfortunately the law is black and white and our hands are tied but your local community police should be available to talk to you and dd if you need.There is no real advice anyone can give because every child is different aswell as every incident.All I can tell you is that there is a least 3-4 desperate calls a night regarding teens aggression or running away and more on weekends.There is so many parents suffering in silence thinking they are the only ones.Some with minor incidents but some that you wouldn't wish on anyone.I agree that SS and police sometimes jump in too fast believing a child.What they don't realise is that they make the situation worse for the parents as they give all the power to the kids.My son taunted and blackmailed us once he realised that getting interviewed by the police was something that we did not want to repeat again.

Just come here for some shred of hope and here you are. Thank you for your honesty. It's bloody hard isn't it?!?! I just look at photos of my lovely son when he was little and wish I could find a way to make things better now.

Dear Beenthere

Thanks a million times for your honesty and insights. It really does make me feel more optimistic about the future.

Thank you :)

Thank you :)

(Well done to your family for coming through this, brought real tears to my eyes)

Reading this gives me hope as I'm having trouble with dd2(14) she's left to go live with dad after being grounded for lying to me to try and stay at male friends house, we have had a rough 10 month from her- dp(stepdad) was arrested last summer for shoving her in car(assault) after being found drunk in park at 6am in morn. I'm feeling very lost at min- so thanks for showing me there Is light at end of tunnel

Was thinking about you Angels, I read your thread today. Hope it works out. Slowly slowly, she'll see where the grass is greener. Sorry I should have posted on your thread, will do tomorrow :)

Thanks clownsare still really struggling but it's a relief to know some MN mums have been through similar and came through it relatively unscathed- its just so raw atm and I'm feeling like a failure and wounded- cant really talk to dp or family and friends as they are all telling me to move into our new house an decorate like she's not coming back but I want her to know this will always be her home it's also really hard for dp as he's been 'dad' since she was 3 and he's angry she's hurt me without so much as batting an eyelid sorry for hijacking your thread

thanks Beenthere - I hate to wish my life away but - I'm wishing for the day DS becomes a reasonable human being again! Mine sounds much like your DS2 - just wondered if there was any link between Diabetes and the behaviour you witnessed. My DS gets very low and lethargic - and I do wonder if he has a medical problem - or is it just normal? What do you think? did he change once he had medication? thanks

hi getting sorted,funny you should ask that because he did change dramatically within 2 months of diagnosis.There is no diabetes in our family and to be honest I questioned the diagnosis.dd2 went for a medical and had sugar in his urine other than that I thought he was symptom free.The drs kept asking me if he was aggressive,had he lost weight,thirsty tired ect.I said about his anger and they said it was possible because he was not diagnosed and was permanently having a hyper/hypo that can make you like that.I think there may be some truth because he did start calming down once taking insulin and it's just got better and better.Whether it was the diabetes or growing up,I don't know but you can get him tested for diabetes at your local chemist so its worth ruling out.As I said my son did not have any noticeable symptoms

Oh I am tingling all over with your wonderful story beentheredonethat. I am lying in bed on the other side of the world lol you are like a saviour. I'm thinking my Dd is just vile but so far she ain't put me through half as much as your lovely kids. Ok so when her dad had enough of her awful mouth one day he ripped her phone and laptop off her and her response was " I hate you and hope you die in afghan" dh is in the army and was only home for a short visit. I just thought how low can one person go. She promptly ran away for all of an hr but that's the first time I didn't chase her because I would hane lynched her I think as out ds3 heard her and was deeply shaken by it. Anyway my point is, she started this at 14 and turns 16 this year so now I know it will end yes yes yes. Also I trust myself to say I was a bloody good parent I have ds1 who is 20 and he is great, lazy but great and dd15 who will be lovely again and ds9 who is really just great. I think I also like the part where your son was diagnosed ty1 which is what I am so I feel for him but hey sxxx happens eh just gotta make it better really. Good luck with the future and thanks for making mine a happier one yay x

Thank you so much for posting and for being so honest - I have struggled with ds since he was 11 - almost 17 now and you are SO right - the constant issues have become weekly/ fortnightly - so things are getting better
Like you we have managed to keep him on the straight and narrow by the skin of our teeth and there was a time when I thought that wouldnt be possible in my wildest dreams ...
God parenting is a massive massive test
Thank you again for being so honest - its wonderful to see light at the end of the tunnel