Ground rules for first real boyfriend

[snowyowl70]

How do I set ground rules for my very sensible, trustworthy 16 year old daughter without sounding like I don't trust her. I do trust her but don't want her to find herself put in a position which lays her open to "temptation". She went to see her boyfriend who has been a friend for quite a while and I didn't think anything of it until her dad said were his parents in the house. It then filled me with terror that we hadn't talked about it as we had never crossed this path before and I do know the boy. I am happy to say to her that he can come here anytime (within reason) but she can't take him into her room (which she shares with her 7 year old sister anyway). I mentioned today that I didn't want her going round when his parents aren't there but obviously I can't set the rules for when she is in their house. How has anyone dealt with this ? We are a Christian family and want her to abide by our rules whilst knowing that if we are too heavy handed then she goes to Uni (hopefully) in 2 years time and I will have no control over what she does then. Any tips please ?

When my DD had her first proper boyfriend, I made a point of introducing myself to his parents when I dropped her off at his house. I had a chat with his Mum and we both agreed some ground rules for them. Of course not all parents share your views and values but most want their children to be safe and sensible. You are not there to watch over them and there comes a time when you just have to trust in their common sense and judgment. It's not easy though.

Have you talked to her about the rules she wants to set? She's 16. Christian family or not I think you have to trust that you have laid down a firm grounding of her own values and ability to assess other people that she wont want to jump into bed with him at the first opportunity anyway.

A chat about how she wants to handle things and that you will support her I think is the best attitude- balancing a boyfriend girlfriend relationship, whilst not neglecting your girlfriends who are your biggest support (after your family) and managing your studies is quite a balancing game. However it's one that my eldests mates seem to have worked very successfully (they are all 1st year uni now)

Why not in her bedroom with the door open? Likely they'll just hang out chat and listen to music anyway, and if your 7yr old has free access that should put everyone off anything but a bit of hand holding LOL.

I guess the important rule is maybe what if she's the only one home- will he be allowed over or not? This is hard for me and not one I've encountered really. I'd like to think maybe she wouldn't want him over when I'm not there at least for a bit- BUT they're either GCSE or AS age at 16 and study leave is looming- will you let them revise at home together? If not why not is going to be your DDs answer- if it was a girl you'd say yes....

Agree with befriending the boys parents and making him very welcome indeed in your house.

Also very glad that you are realistic that at uni you have no control and not idea what they are doing!

I think that practicing having a relationship when you are living at home is like all the other things kids do to gain independence skills. you have to help them to an extent, but also let them work things out and maybe make little mistakes and work round them... and have tissues and chocolate for breaking up too!

We have been in this situation for the first time this year too. DD has had BF for just over 6 months now and we don't have the day to day issues as they are both away at school and he lives some distance away so any visits have to be over night stays. So the rules on this currently are they are allowed to spend time in her room or his room ( he is in guest room) but I should be able to knock and walk in at any time without worrying what I find! And they must be in their own rooms by 11.30. So far they haven't let me down and haven't had to be reminded.

In practice they seem to have the door open all the time or spend time downstairs in the TV room or following a couple of hobbies they share. I have had lots of talks with DD ( I think communication and talking without embarrassment are key) about physical relationships and what is appropriate at their age ( 16 and nearly 17). At the moment she says they don't want to go any further with a physical relationship

They have recently been apart for some time due to holidays etc and he visited last week and she asked if there was any way they could just snuggle up and share a bed "so they could just cuddle and talk" . I refused this and explained how things can get out of hand very easily in these situations, whilst stressing that it wasn;t a lack of trust, more that I wanted to protect them from being in this situation which she understood. As a compromise, I allowed her to "take him in a morning cup of tea" and have a little cuddle. I noticed that the door was left open- DD says it was so that I could relax and know that they were really only sitting up in bed drinking tea and chatting!

As time goes on, I accept that they will want to take things further and I made it very clear to DD that if she wants I will help her to go to clinic/decide on contraception etc and that next year, if they are still together ( lovely lovely boyfriend- just what I would have chosen for her so here is hoping) provided they are discreet I will stop checking up on who spends the night where. She will be at Uni next year and may well have to live at home- in my view she will then be an adult, paying her way in the house from a part time job and she can have adult privileges. I know that if she splits up with this one it will be a while before she has another BF and we have discussed that these rules apply to this BF only.

It's very difficult to draw the line between allowing them some privacy - and I think that is vital for all relationships - and not risking their futures.

The problem with you saying you're coming at it from a Christian point of view is that I wonder whether you're disapproving of any kind of sexual relationship at all. I think it's natural for teenagers to experiment. I know you don't want her to have full sex, but are you also saying she can't have any kind of intimacy?

Yes, we are a Christian family but we live in the real world and whilst sex before marriage was not what we chose I firmly believe that DD1 needs to think about this for herself and come to her own reasoned decision. The whole point is I don't want her to find herself in a situation in which she feels she is not in control or that she goes further than she really planned to and regrets it. So I am not against intimacy of any sort at all and I know that we all have to grow up and make decisions and learn by mistakes but some mistakes have life changing consequences - and I don't just mean pregnancy but STDs etc so I want her to feel that we trust her to make a sensible decision within boundaries that are reasonable set by parents who just want the best for her.