Overweight teenage daughter

[billandtedsmum]

My 13 year old daughter is putting on weight. She's already quite large (10.5 stone, 5 foot 4), very inactive and boredom eats. Her older sister is skinny and getting skinnier.... I'm not sure how to address the problem with either of them - particularly not my younger daughter who gets defensive and angry if you even go near the topic. I am worried about her - does anyone have any suggestions about how I can talk to her about it in a way that's going to help???

Do you eat healthy food as a family?
Are there lots of crisps/biscuits in the house?

Blimey that is............ quite overweight
Hmm, I had similar problem with myself and I wish my mother had taken steps to help because I didn't think I could do it myself. Some ideas are;
Cut down any pocket money so she can't spend it all on sweets and choccy, or at least restrict her access to the money.
Buy food for her with less calories
Get her a gym membership for a bday or just random pressie.
Show her some nice clothes and offer to buy her them if she gets to a certain weight goal. (clothes work well because she'll want to fit nicely into them)

Of course these only work if she's like I was, which is wanting to lose the weight and hating my body because of it, but not feeling able to. If she just doesn't care or is too lazy to do anything (which may be the case, I don't know) you should maybe try to be quite harsh with her, help her face the reality. After all, her health is important, and obesity can lead to massive health problems. Tough love is the phrase here unfortunatly.

However, as I said, I don't know your daughter, only you do, so good luck. Hope I helped somewhat with my non-sensical ramblings :)

I agree - tough love is needed. Don't be too anxious - one of my kids ballooned (has a body image problem) - and then, as suddenly as he put it all on, he lost it. Took him to the dietician - she wasn't much good but had he been a bit younger, certainly 13, I've had taken him to a pediatric dietician. Could you get a referral? S/he could talk some home truths to your daughter and work with her and you on an achievable regime.

Could you tackle the inactivity thing somehow? Is there anything your DD could take up?

You've got a lot on - with worries about both daughters. Hope you can do nice things for yourself.

My eldest developed anorexia...(which was awful.. she is 5 ft 9 and was 6 stone) but when she started to recover she binged instead..same loss of control... and ended up putting a huge amount of weight on which of course gave her more self image problems.

It was hard to talk about as at first of course we were delighted when she started gaining weight. We had a sort of family conference where we asked how best to help her..and with her permission we drew up a pretty rigid list of 'safe' foods in the home..and we actually got a padlock on the pantry because late night binging was her worst trigger. We also made a deal to eat as a family, and it really did help. She eventually joined a gym and while she isn't where she would like to be yet (she's down to a size 12 now and would like to be a 10) she is healthier and can see she is improving. Her sister also has body image issues and we were terrified hers would spiral, but actually the whole family approach to food did work:)

Thanks for these answers everyone.... you're making me realise that I'm a bit in denial about it myself - i think I need to talk to her first, directly - I dont actually knows how she feels about her body - I'm guessing not great - and until I have that conversation with her we cant move forward.... I think the whole family approach is a good idea.... we do eat together in the evenings but often different meals - maybe eating something the same... and we do have too many crisps and sweeties in the houes - so that's an easy one too fix! Thanks for the encouragement everyone - its lovely to get practical advice and support and not feel judged!

You aren't sure how to address the problem?

Get her moving! Are you driving her places? If so, get her to walk. Go out for walks as a family. Get her to do housework!

Do healthy eating. Don't buy any snacky foods. If she is spending her own money on sweets, cut back on her allowance.

Don't have the big discussion with her - just do healthy things together as a family. Use the longer, warmer days as the reason for the step change.

Agree with ruby - please don't;

bribe her with smaller clothes (or anything else)
bully her
criticise her diet and fitness

all of the above will damage her self esteem.

Get the whole family more active but don't pressure her. No sweets or biscuits in the house but don't restrict her food - she's a growing teen and will be ravenously hungry sometimes.

Above all love her unconditionally

I'd be more worried about the child who's underweight. A child who's a bit overweight and inactive can sort herself out just by becoming more active, but a very thin child who's becoming thinner is a real worry.

I think you should get the whole family active and spending more time together. Could you do something like join the Ramblers (not as bad as it sounds) where they have long walks of varying difficulty - in our area they meet up locally and a coach takes them to places of natural beauty where there are great walks. If you don't want to join a club (and it's an informal club) then could you look up some of those walks yourself? You could do them every Sunday - it would be good for the family to spend that time together.

I would not mention food to the child who is overweight. I'd buy less rubbish and take in bowls of chopped up fruit when they're watching tv, but I wouldn't say anything. If she's happier, she'll lose weight.

I don't know what to say about your child who's getting thinner. Is she depressed?

How about doing Zumba or something together? I remember hating school sport but loving the days they let us have aerobic videos in the gym instead.

have you tried the Change4 life website, some brilliant tips on their for the whole family x

Like Imperial, I'd be more concerned about the daughter who's underweight.
If you use any of the BMI calculators available, you'll see your other daughter is at the top end of normal weight for her height - not actually over-weight at all, according to the one I used. If you encourage healthy eating and living an active life, this will be much more helpful (imo) than making her self-conscious about her weight. Adolescence is such a self-conscious time anyway, and parents' messages can have a lasting effect... Especially since young women and girls live in a society that obsesses about their bodies, and they are surrounded by images of dangerously-thin women presented as 'normal'. Please give both your daughters the clear message that they are beautiful, and that their actions, minds and personalities are much more important than their sizes!

as a child i was told by the school nurse during the checks at the beginning of high school that 'i was disgustingly fat and no one would ever love me looking like i do'. those words have stayed with my my whole life and actually caused me to put on a lot of weight out of comfort when i was only then probably a stone or so overweight.
approach with caution and select your words well, that maybe it is not about what she looks like but about her health and having a long and healthy one...maybe select some healthy recipes online and without making it a big thing, encourage her to become involved in making them so she understands how easily healthy foods can be made and how good they can taste.

I don't think 10.5 at 5ft 4 is large. She is going through puberty and her body is changing from a girl to a woman's. Do not make a big deal about this, or you really screw her up. Just ensure you serve healthy food and encourage exercise.

Also Op, can you say, hand on heart, that you are not putting your own body issues onto your daughter? Are you very body conscious? Do you have weight issues?

I posted a very similar thread a few weeks ago. After much consideration of the varied responses, I had one talk with DD about healthy eating and doing more exercise, and since then I have left it.

You can't police them all the time at this age - any change has to be because she wants to do it. And I don't want to tip her into anorexia, or make her feel unloveable, just because she is a little plumper than is fashionable.

A throwaway ill-thought-out remark can do so much damage.

Agree save your worries for your older dd. 10.5 stone isn't 'quite large' at all

Don't buy the crisps and sweets but please don't make your 13 yo think she is overweight, you could well destroy her confidence and see her spiral into eating disorders (was your older one overweight when she was younger?).

CJ and Onehandflapping are right.

The main thing how she feels. Tell how lovely she is, build her self esteem, show her how to make the best of what she's got. Just make it part of life.

My DD and I look in the mirror and see glamourous slim creatures (we are always 12/14 and both 5'2"). Help her to love herself and she will find the weight that she is happy with. Liking yourself is the key.

I agree with those who have said not to mention the weight to her directly but rather, to simply encourage physical activity, and perhaps to introduce healthier snacks at home. My eldest (15) has recently put on a bit of weight - hanging out with friends more often, ending up at the local bakery and fast food chains. This week she had on her new shorts, which were super-short and tight in the thighs...I'm guessing she bought her regular size but didn't try them on in the store. She asked me what I think and I simply said "these shorts fit a bit small." - I worded it as if I was blaming the shorts. She wouldn't have normally asked my opinion, but I suspect she knew they weren't fitting right and she is probably concerned now (though she is still slender). Your DD is also likely critical about your body too, even if she doesn't let on. The issue should be approached delicately.

10.5 stone at 5'4? Large?

I don't see how that's large at all really. Maybe not slim, average. Where does she carry her weight? Being quite busty and wide hipped would be fine at that weight, but if she's got a bit of a tummy on her, then just make a conscious decision to cut down on the chocolate and crisps as a family

Tbh, I think you're just comparing her to her skinny sister. I'd be more worried about her.

this is tough. Both of my DDS at that weight were very overweight. I, and they, cringe now at first year high school photos of them looking seriously fat! Maybe I was in denial about it but I didn't make a big issue of it - just tried to have healthier food in the house and go for more walks etc. DD1 is now 21, a size 12, five foot 11, and a health freak! Goes to the gym several times a week.
DD2 is also a 12, went down to a 10 for a while, and does a lot of riding.
DS is 10 and showing every sign of being a very chubby young teen like his sisters were.Again, trying not to make a huge issue of it but it is going to be harder with him as he hates exercise and sports and would play his x-box all day if we let him. I would try not to make a big deal with it and certainly wouldn't bribe with smaller clothes as this gives the wrong message I think. Just try and reduce the bad foods and increase the exercise.