early teen father daughter relationship

pettykins · 2012-04-13T14:39:34+00:00

We could really do with a good book that gives my dh some sound advice about the best way to approach the relationship with our 13 year old dd. As she gets into her teenage years the relationship is getting more difficult and I feel he is making too many mistakes that is erroding future trust and understanding between them. He didn't have a great experience of parenting himself and is a bit lost on how to act in situations of conflict. Can anyone recommend a useful (not patronising) book that may make him think about healing his own wounds from childhood at the same time as improving his relationship with dd?

TinkerSailerSoldierSpy · 13/04/2012 19:48

:O I thought from your title that you had a son that was a teen father! Lol I feel so stupid now!

notahotel · 14/04/2012 16:52

I don't know of any good books, I'm afraid, but can I offer an insight which someone on MN gave to me? When I asked for help with exactly this problem, it was pointed out to me that it's actually very hard for a loving dad to lose his 'little girl' as she grows up and it can be so much harder for men to express (or even be aware of) their own feelings. Hope this helps a bit.

eandh · 14/04/2012 21:58

Can't recommend any books only personal experience my dad and I have always and still have a fantastic relationship. He was always very open with me and said that although he didn't want to see me get drunk, have boyfriends etc he knew that it was gong to happen and to remember if I ever wanted to talk to him, tell him anything, get advice or needed a cuddle because I'd fallen out with a friend or had an argument with a boy he would always be there 24 hours a day 7 days a week just trust him and tell him! It worked he was acyually the par ent i spoke to about going o the pill (we discussed it i roundabout way and he spoke to my mum and the n mum came with me to doctors)

Always made me promise no matter what I did never to try drugs (I didn't) and allowed alcohol inthe house but insupervised manner from mid teens (ie lass of wine and lemonade with lunch or special occasions somi didnt go mad binge drinkingmlike friends) mum and dad always gave me taxi fare him when is tarted going clubbing etc with friends but if I accidently spent it on alcohol to ring him and he would come and collect me I was never to walk/get a lift with stranger etc.

My dd's at present do not have the unique relationship with dh lke I had with my dad and I am it sure why i really hope in time they
Have as much trust and faith I dh as I have in my dad

eandh · 14/04/2012 21:59

Apologies for typos am on iPad and really need my glasses on but they seem downstairs!

doormat · 14/04/2012 22:07

found a nice little link that may be helpful x

leladavidson.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Love-Your-Teenage-Daughter--5-Tips-For-Dads

startail · 14/04/2012 22:10

Like endth I just knew my Dad loved me and would always come and fetch me. He must have turned a blind eye to booze, he doesn't drink and I knew not to smoke (dad chain smoked and regretted ever starting). I've never been tempted to try drugs, clearly he wouldn't have approved, but it goes deeper than that it would be to betray his and my Mum's love and trust.

In the end it simply boils to keeping talking, hugging and being there for each other. Teens must feel they have a safety net if they need it and parents must let them walk the tight rope above it.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 14/04/2012 22:11

eandh - that's lovely :)

Brisvegasmum · 22/04/2012 06:57

Hi this sounds like the doppelgänger of my household. I can see he is going about it all wrong with our 15 year old daughter. I am only sadly relieved that i am not the only one as I felt ashamed of the way their relationship is deteriorating and like we were living a lie of the lovely family relationships within our four walls. Instead my hubby and daughter go at it like a riot and I'm in the middle trying to keep the calm before someone loses it completely. I don't know what to do anymore. I can see my daughter desperate to leave home but also still quite loving having us here and a husband desperate for her to leave home but would be devastated if she did. Catch 22 I think. But as the grown ups here I believe he should know how to handle these situations without resolving into bad language and a need to throttle her hence the fact I stay in the middle. So if you get any help please pass some good news my way and I will do the same. Best of luck
Sandra

nooka · 22/04/2012 07:12

My father didn't do any of the things in that link except accept and like me as an individual (he certainly never talked to me about anything vaguely intimate, know any of my friends, or take an interest in any of my hobbies - my mother tried to do those things and failed miserably, the conflict in our home was always between my mother and me). I'm not totally sure that a book or article will help your dh - do you have any friends with older children that could talk about what worked for them perhaps?

BuckBuckMcFate · 22/04/2012 07:26

I'll be watching this thread with interest. My dad handled me growing up very badly. I went from being his little princess to seemingly being someone he couldn't stand. Looking back, my patents were very unhappily married and subsequently divorced. I have always got on really well with my mum and I also look very much like her so I think he struggled to see me physically turning into her and couldn't separate the feelings he had for her.

I have not had a relationship with him since I was 13.

On the rare occasion that I get drunk, I always end up crying to DP that I don't want the same thing to happen between him and our DD.

Brisvegasmum · 22/04/2012 14:08

Oh how sad buckbuckmcfate. I love my step dad who is my dad because he brought me up. I know he could be a blithering hopeless idiot as it was a house full of girls but he was and still is lovely which is what I want for my hubby and daughter. I spoke to my mum and we both agreed that my DD and hubby are identical. They are highly intelligent, do not suffer fools gladly, nit pick any info thrown their way and analyze it and I mean anything even down to proven facts they shred them. So I'm hopeing they both bloody grow up and accept they are the same and move on fom this. Fingers crossed. Hope you learn to enjoy a tipple without getting down x

Brisvegasmum · 22/04/2012 14:11

Oh how sad buckbuckmcfate. I love my step dad who is my dad because he brought me up. I know he could be a blithering hopeless idiot as it was a house full of girls but he was and still is lovely which is what I want for my hubby and daughter. I spoke to my mum and we both agreed that my DD and hubby are identical. They are highly intelligent, do not suffer fools gladly, nit pick any info thrown their way and analyze it and I mean anything even down to proven facts they shred them. So I'm hopeing they both bloody grow up and accept they are the same and move on fom this. Fingers crossed. Hope you learn to enjoy a tipple without getting down x

Clayhanger · 22/04/2012 14:17

I recommend You Don't Really Know Me by Terri Apter. It's more about conflicts between mothers and teenage daughters, but there is a chapter for fathers and in fact it's a great book for parents all round. It certainly helped me hone my listening skills and I became much better at picking up verbal clues.. Good luck OP

tumbleweedblowing · 22/04/2012 14:24

I've found Raising A Daughter really helpful.

Some of it is a bit new-agey warm and fuzzy, but lots of it makes sense. I am studying psychology now, and see where lots of the ideas come from. Particularly about the shift from needing a female to the importance of the bond with a male. In fairness, it has been a few years since I read it, but it settled my mind.