Out of control 14 year old, with no where to go, advice needed.

[Missjt]

Hi,
This is a bit of an unusual subject, my son does not live with me, he lives with his other parent, please don't judge me as I'm a Mum, it's not always Dad's.
A brief overview is that I was not in my son's life for a very long time due to very difficult circumstances.
I recently started a relationship with my son, I didn't expect it to be easy, and it hasn't been.
That aside my son's behaviour has been getting increasingly worse to the point he has been expelled, arrested, been violent towards his father, other children, has been stealing, committing other crime and now has been thrown out of home by Dad. Paternal Grandparents won't help, and because I live in a house share and have lack of resources I can not immediately take him.
I would like to take him in the long term, but fear I can not do it with out the support of social services due to the number of issues he has, and the lack of support I have.
Before you judge there are a lot of complicating matters, to do with my son and myself that are not too straight forward. It is not a case that I dumped him on his Dad because I didn't want to be a Mum, I was a young teen with no family from care, and had a nervous breakdown.
Events that followed meant my son's Dad made it impossible for me to see him for 8 years.
I have no family, a limited network and don't know what to do.
My son is currently staying with a friend, I don't know who they are or what he is doing.
What I do know is that he is a serious risk to himself and others, Social Services are not being very helpful, and I don't know where else to turn for advice.
Any advice on what I can do to help would be appreciated.
Currently waiting for a social worker to speak to Dad to re-confirm that he is not willing to care for our son, I don't know what to do and am at my wits end.
Dad doesn't speak to me, only through email.
Once again, and helpful advice would much be appreciated.

You are doing a brilliant job. The care system is not ideal but am very angry about SS showing such negativity. If they were on my team they would be fired. Keep showing him you care and if he will talk to your friend ask her to keep in contact too - anything to get him to talk. Self esteem is a huge part of dealing with angry teens and I hope the right support is put in place. Does he like sport ? I personally detest boxing but it seems to engage some teen boys and boost their confidence. Or a Marshall art ? Maybe his dad could arrange to take him to a class - would help keep their relationship going too. Do the SS run a mentoring scheme - usually an ex teen from care who becomes like a big brother.Keep going ! You are doing great.

Thank you. SS seem to want to stick a plaster over the problems, it's like they are hearing but not listening. My friend will keep in contact as will I, he does like some sports, but is so unmotivated it will be virtually impossible to get him to agree to anything, although I agree its a great idea. Dad won't take him or invest the time, I suspect he will say he has too many other things to deal with, or that his health won't allow it. This negativity I fear also feeds the situation. SS did mention things like connections for when he is 16, but they seem to only be focusing on the finance of keeping our son, and giving him a week to go home. It turns out that the intense care given to him and Dad this week is a social worker's assistant, surely this can't be right? How can someone who isn't even qualified to a young man who needs so much help and attention, my son has years of issues not just 1 weeks worth. I'm just scared that we are not going to move forward, and that SS will not stick to what they have said about providing enough support to all parties involved. Will write them another email outlining my concerns.

I'm going to suggest, because he is so close to 16, that you contact the Princes Trust. I don't know your area well enough, but they are brilliant at helping youngsters exactly like your son. He sounds angry and depressed and needs specialist help and you are right, an assistant is not enough. However, it may be all that's available I'm afraid - see what they say and push for follow up quickly. I am assuming he is not going to school at the moment, in which case I would ask for him to go to a PRU (pupil referral unit). These are not just for 'naughty' kids, but for those that need more personalised education - his school might help you with this as he could attend each part time. I know it's hard but try to keep calm with SS and keep them on side - a relationship with his care worker will help in the long run. Lots of deep breaths !!!

HI mumsneedwine, deep breaths at the ready, I am trying to get people on side, as it's vitally important he gets the help he needs. I'm just trying continuosly to get my voice heard, and it just feels like I'm banging my head against a brickwall. I don't expect miracles, I would just like to know what/if any kind of plan beyond next week is being put together. Will keep trying. As it happens the school don't really seem to be helping, everyone has suggested it would be good for B to have a managed move, due to the past and continuing behaviour/learning challenges, but the more he misbehaves the less they are willing to support a managed move. Everytime B walks out of school or is suspended, as he has been again today they record it as an unauthorised absence, which further feed's my son thinking there are no consequences to anything. My son is not being dealt with in school by the normal channels because Dad works there, instead of writing home or going through the same process as every other child, Dad is constantly bombarded whilst he is teaching in class, it also doesn't help that the whole school knows what is going on. I just think a fresh start with the support would go a long way to helping this young man, as opposed to keeping him in a very unhealth environment.