Sixteen, sad, isolating and school refusing...

[tigerlove]

My son is sixteen and hasn't been to school for many months now. He sleeps the day away and goes on the internet or x-box at night. He is staying with my mother, as things became too confrontational between us when he was with me. He spent years in local authority care from when he was eight onward, because I have bipolar disorder and couldn't cope with him as a single parent with little support.

I never wanted to join Mumsnet before because I pictured it would be very middle class and make me feel even more alone and marginal because of what happened with me and my son. But I've been reading the posts of many troubled parents here and I have revised my opinion which was only based on prejudice.

There is so much shame and guilt attached to feeling one has 'failed' as a mother. I have felt suicidal and hopeless, and that my son won't recover from whatever ails him.

My son is not really a bad boy. He can be verbally cruel at times but I think he's overwhelmingly sad more than he is mad or bad...

In a couple of weeks I will be standing in for my Mum and looking after him at her place while she goes on holiday. I hope it will be a chance for us to build some bridges after an unhappy period where he has considered me the 'bad mother' and more or less blamed me for everything. My mother doesn't take this view, but the situation is a strain on her as she is 80 years old and she does get fed up sometimes, especially when he won't even eat a decent meal.

He is now referred to a Pupil Referral Unit locally to where she is and she is paid a 'kinship' fostering allowance by social services to look after him. He has not attended said PRU once and rarely engages with the home tutor who comes twice a week. He seems to be unmotivated to do anything, though he has shown some of his old spark since my Mum and he have planned together to get a kitten.

So what is my question? Well I just want to say, it would be good to share my problems here with people who understand the anguish of having a son or daughter who is off the rails, and the way that can make you feel.

hi tigerlove
there are quite a few parents who have children who struggle to attend school on MN. What is it that he finds difficult about school? Has it always been a problem for him?

Hi Cronsilksilt. No he used to attend well and rarely miss a day. His problems with school began when he moved foster placement and he seemed to start to act out with school refusal at the second, less successful foster placement. He just seems to be trying to recover from the trauma of being in care.

The nearest thing I have found on the Internet to what we are going through with my son is the Japanese experience of 'hikikomori'...predominantly young men who withdraw from society almost completely, secluding themselves in one room and depending on their families to feed them. They don't work or study and tend to spend much of their hermitic existence on the Internet, playing games etc. It's a genuine social problem out there thought to be a peculiarly Japanese cultural phenomenon related to the intensely competitive and conformist school and work culture that they have.

But here we are in Britain without the special organisations that have grown up in Japan to attempt to bring the hikikomori out of seclusion and rehabilitate them. I do know one other mum who has a son of 24 living a similar life to my son, again secluding himself and living off his parent. She is bipolar like me, and like my son, hers spent time in care. But I don't know of any others who are reclusive to this degree and it's utterly heartwrenching to see...

I'm just grateful to find a place where I can open up about my situation, even though there is probably little that people can do or suggest that we haven't already thought of. It's enough for me just to feel heard. The worst thing is the stigma and the heartache of seeing other children of my son's age going to school, mixing with other young people and having at least some hope for their future.

My son is not diagnosed with any mental illness (yet). Getting him seen by a psychiatrist is turning out to be a ridiculously long process, especially considering he is still officially under a full care order of my local authority, Haringey.

Thanks for listening...Zoe.

tigerlove have you looked at the website MIND? They have a very good helpline

Have you tried youngminds.org.uk?

actually I meant youngminds! Have phoned them myself - they are very helpful.

How are things, tigerlove? Your story will be familiar to lots of us - in one way or another.

You have a chance to rebuild your relationship with your son. At least he's living in the family fold.

He's still a child, still lots of time for you and he to enjoy his young years together. Please try to think positive. Are you getting the support you deserve? Have you tried your local CAMHS? By the time my eldest son needed help like this, he was into the adult services - it was awful, really awful but I know from a phone conversation with CAMHS a few years earlier (and I wish I'd followed it through) that this service would have been a load more useful and approachable for both of us.

Glad you've joined MN. I find it an extraordinary source of sound advice, wisdom and, yes, friendship, especially during difficult and lonely times.

Are there out of school organisations your son might possibly connect with? Could he give eg scouts, cadets a go? With one of my boys, who, like yours, isolates himself, I've told him to at least try, perhaps two or three times. At some point, there will be a connection. Remember, your son is 16. As someone on MN said to me in a post about my 16 year old - "you're the adult".

Good luck and let's know how things go for you both.

Thank you so much Julia, Elie and Cronsilksilt. I do know about Youngminds but I haven't used their website much, called their helpline some time ago but was unable to persuade my son to contact them or use it himself...Thank you Elie for sharing your experience. I just don't want to feel so much like a freak I suppose. It helps to know that others have been there in some way.

Keep strong, tigerlove. I find that when things at home get me down a lot, when they are very difficult, and I'm posting here, I remember that at least I can channel my thoughts, write them down, take part in conversation. Shows I'm more together than I thought I was, shows I care, that I have a lot to give and I deserve support and encouragement. Which you get on here in spades. It's a wonderful place.

Has that kitten been bought yet?

You really have to push for help tigerlove. CAMHS are excellent and will ensure assessments (psychological inc)are done. In my experince they work hard to build a trusting relationship with the young people, to good effect. They will also ensure follow up care after 18, maybe Early Intervention Team, this is important as MH issues are a long struggle, as you are aware.

It's crucial that he gets the help, as you are aware MH issues affect the whole family and affect generations to follow.

It is tragic that he has been unable to have a proper relationship with you and has been in care whilst having family that were unable to look after him. Althoiugh he is now with his gran, a 16 yo living with an 80 yr old presents problems too.

Push for proper tangible help for him tigerlovebefore he gets worse.

tigerlove just to say you aren't alone - my 13 yo DD had spent all day today on her laptop (mainly on Tumblr) and hasn't got dressed:( Its a lovely day here too:(

She has several issues that mean she finds it hard to go to school - physical too. We have spoken to Youngminds (don't bother with forum no one answers) and they talked me through the referal to CAMHS - this is quicker than a psychiatrist in this area (although we are waiting for this too). It must be doubly hard if your son does not seem to 'want' help.

Assume if he is 16 he will be able to officially 'leave' school soon - you may find this takes some of the 'pressure' off - we are thinking of de registering DD (Homeschooling) as the thought of school hanging over her all the time is sometimes unbearable.

Just wanted to send my support your way and a -shhh-unmumsnet type hug as it sounds like you could use one.:)

Thank you Awbless, Meanmom and Elie for your thoughtful responses. It does feel like a place where I can be honest. I may well need a place to talk week after next when I will be staying at my Mum's looking after the boy.X

I work with 16-18 yo's in a FE College, it's in a deprived areas and we have alot of issues to deal with. A lot of the young people are cping with parents with MH issues.

If i can help with any advice I will x

Hello again and I have an update. One, I gave up smoking tobacco two weeks ago (am partial to an e cigarette) and since then I have to say I feel much better in myself and not nearly so depressed! Make of that what you will...Two, in the end it was not necessary for me to go and look after my son, as the social workers (he is still technically 'in care') ordained that he should go into 'respite care' with a foster family while my Mum went on holiday (only for five days...)

We were concerned that he would refuse to go or abscond when he got there but so far, although he was non-committal up to the very last moment, he has not done so and has apparently been getting up in the morning and mixing with the family and their three dogs (he loves animals).

My Mum admitted that she felt quite inadequate by comparison with this family who somehow managed to do what we could not achieve whatever we did or said...

It's sort of comforting for me to know that my Mum (who sometimes makes me feel quite inadequate! Not her fault at all...) also feels this way at times. I just wish I knew what was best for my boy.

There has also been other progress. Mum now has a 'kinship' social worker - one who specialises in placements within the family - who will be visiting every three weeks and with whom both my Mum and my son engaged successfully. And finally, he engaged well last week with the home tutor who comes for two hours twice a week.

Sometimes very seemingly small changes like this make a big difference to how we all feel. I visited my Mum and son at the weekend to reassure them both of my continued involvement and concern, and today I even had a chance to speak to him on the phone to see how he was getting on at the respite placement.

Thank you once again to everyone who replied to my thread.

That all sounds very positive!

DD has been in care now for just over a month now, a long and complicated story. I miss her terribly, and felt really guilty about it.
But she has settled in, is doing her chores and even a bit of school work. She has even applied to college and has got an interview. I'm only seeing her once a week but she has talked to me more in those short visits than she ever has done. She is even getting up in the morning.
I am so pleased for her, but have this niggling feeling that the care home workers have achieved so much in a short time compared with anything I tried to do, and like your mum, I feel inadequate too.
The care home manager said that it was precisely because they were strangers and could be objective without feelings coming into it that DD is responding. So it might be the same for your DS and your mum.
I'm glad that all of you are getting some practical help and I wish you all the best.

Thank you BrightSpark. I appreciate hearing from someone who shares my experience of having a child in care, it can be a lonely feeling because of the social stigma and so on.

Maybe that care home manager has a valid point. My son behaves himself better with strangers than he does his own family I guess that's a fact. I just hope that we will all get a bit more support from soc servs than up to now.

I have to remember to keep showing love and concern regardless of how my son behaves toward me (the guilt I feel often persuades me that he hates me :(). Maybe write letters, old fashioned snail mail because he needs to know that I am there for him whenever he makes up his mind to look my way for help and support...

Her CaMHS worker has suggested exactly that. She said that they often don't hear your words, but with a letter they can take their time reading it, and retreading it. So I have been writing her letters, and I'm told that she reads them.
I know what you mean about the stigma - I feel so ashamed, even though we didn't really have a choice

My son continues to do well at the respite foster placement. Has been out playing footie with the younger kids (foster mum's grandkids) and an older boy they have living with them in foster care.

If only this kind of thing could be sustained over a significant time period and not just for a few days, but wow at least it's happening and Mum and I couldn't be more pleased...

BrightSpark, I've often wanted some kind of support group for parents whose kids are under some kind of care order but could never find anything like that. There are tons of online resources for foster parents but almost nothing that i know of for the birth parents on the other side of the issue.

However I have managed to meet a few people who share some of the experiences. The PAC, post-adoption centre runs a support group, though fostering and adoption are two very distinct things. X