Should I keep appointment with Community Policeofficer

[HaggisandTatties]

I am 42 single mum for 10 years to my 13year old son. His father dips in and out of his life every couple of years and there isnt a relationship there. My son always got that male influence via my father - who is now seriously ill and has been for past 4 months, so he has lost that very important influence. My son is a lovely boy but this year his temper has been rearing its head. Three weeks ago when we were rowing he came running at me and pushed me hard against the kitchen worktop. He was so angry - even later when calmed down he kept justifying why he done that. I was heartbroken. Yesterday when in the car with him an argument started and my son started screaming and ranting at me telling me how much he has hated me for a long time, how much my whole family hates me and that he doesnt want to live with me now. He was being so cruel in the things he was screaming at me and then he slapped me on the back of the head.

Wow this is very hard to type all this

I was in total shock. Got home with him and let things calm down. Never in my entire life have I felt like the way I did yesterday. I was so devastated I wanted to die - I wanted to run away. I decided I was going to go and packed a bag and called a friend in Inverness asking to come up and stay - she asked no questions as obvious I was very upset, and told me to come up. When i went in to speak to my son he totally broke down - never saw him that way before. He cried so hard for over an hour begging forgiveness. I cancelled my trip and we talked. I explained though that the fact he has hit me now twice in 3 weeks tells me there is a big problem. Much to his disgust I telephoned my local police station and have an appointment to take him down Tuesday at 6pm for a chat with a community Police officer - its a team that deal with teenagers and can help guide them back on the right path. I am not taking him there to get into any sort of trouble - but I think a male police officer taking words of wisdom to my son will help so much as he has absolutely NO male influence at all now in his life.

Can I add that my son is not a little boy - he is nearly 6ft in height and weighs 14stone.

Please can you tell me what you think - I am so distressed and dont know if this will make things worse?

wow - am off to walk the dog...................fresh air needed!!!!!!!

Yes keep that appointment but I'd also look for counselling for him - he could perhaps benefit from talking things through with someone, eg he may have worries about his dad etc. his school may have a school counsellor.

Bloody hell, Haggis. How are you feeling after your walk? You've just told us about your experiences of physical abuse as a child, so I expect you will be feeling some powerful emotions - probably good and bad. I want to say WELL DONE to you, for a start :)

It's an amazing step, and really positive, even if it's difficult - because there is strong evidence that this kind of 'disclosure' is linked to resolving trauma, and all kinds of good effects on mental health.

There are bound to be links between your feelings when you were abused by your father, and your reactions to being abused by your son. I wouldn't presume to tell you what they are. But I do want to say one thing to you very, very clearly (and I apologise if you already know this but I don't want to leave it unsaid, in case you don't...) - it wasn't your fault that you were abused by your father, and it isn't your fault you have been abused by your son. IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT. hugs

I'm also guessing there will be some complicated, maybe confused, emotions about your mother and yourself, then and now. You are rightly angry that your mother did not protect you from abuse as a child. You also deserve protection now, as an adult. The difficult thing is that, now, you need to protect yourself. By taking steps to do that now, by not allowing your son to carry on hurting you like your father hurt you, you are doing the right thing, and a brave thing, and you are breaking a bad 'pattern'. GOOD FOR YOU, WELL DONE!! :)

Haggis - thank you for your honest and moving story. I'm sure you know that you're not alone - either here or in RL. I hope tomorrow's appointment is a step forward for your son and for you. From all that you've written, it's pretty clear to me that your son needs and wants you desperately. So many emotions, so much going on in his young life to cloud his judgement.

I hope that once you're both in, the 'system' will give your child the help he needs and you the support you need and thoroughly deserve.

Just to say, your post chimed with me, too, - one of my DSs, quite a bit older than your son, would have benefitted hugely from contact with youth offending, or something similar. Now he's over that age and adult provision doesn't seem quite right - there doesn't seem to be anything for the in-betweens.

Anyway, I'll be thinking of you both tomorrow. Trust that it's a step in the right direction - take care of yourself (and I agree with others - violence against you, his mother, is totally unacceptable - if he doesn't know that, he really must) - and consider other services too. School has been mentioned, for instance. Your son is very young - he has that much on his side, as well as a mum who clearly loves him very much.

Forget the mess in your kitchen. (You should see mine!) If you're not in bed yet, have a www.mumsnet.com/te/brew.gif or even a www.mumsnet.com/te/wine.gif and get a peaceful night's sleep.

xx

Err - tried to get the smileys into the message. Sorry, didn't work!

haggis - words fail me. Keep talking. It's really good to say this stuff out loud and sift through your feelings, binning the crap and holding onto the bits that mean something.

One thing yelled out loud and clear from that post - your dad stopped when the police threat became real and likely

He was an adult and knew the consequence and knew it was real.

Teenagers think they are invincible. Your son probably thinks you won't go through with this. He needs to believe you will.

OP, well done. You are coping brilliantly, it's really good that you are getting this 'out there' - although I realise it's horrible to be going through.

I feel relieved to have added that last part to my story. What my son done - brought everything back to me - I felt like the young child again - and helpless to do anything.

Sometimes, over the years, I have thought about counselling - but now I wouldnt consider it. My father is so ill now -he is the weak one and I am not......... and we did build a relationship - a good one - over the past ten years. Am sure he must regret what he done - to all 4 of us. Strangely enough I am pretty sure he never hit my mother - I have heard him in the past boast of that i.e how he would never lift his hand to a woman..............

Isnt it strange how young children can show such loyalty to people who hurt them badly. Yet currently I find myself in this horrendous situation where a child who has been treated lovingly i.e my son, has assaulted me twice in the past 3 weeks.

Excuse me while I feel sorry for myself :(

I will post up tomorrow night how the appointment went. Once again thank you so so much to everyone who has helped me. You dont know how much this has touched me.

It's unfair isn't it? Your Dad hit you and your son attacks you. It must be screwing your head up wondering why. What has caused this?...

The answer is possibly (just possibly because I don't know anyone) that your Dad knew no better. It might have been a spare the rod/spoil the child viewpoint which allowed him to think it was ok...... but then his lack of self control made it more than wrong.

Your son is a teenager. A bag of hormones/fears/arrogance/peer pressure lead/wham bam hitting life before they can actually deal with it mess who thinks that he can take it out on you because parents always love you..right?

The first situation you can only deal with by reflection but recognise it was your father's fault not yours.

The second.... well he does need a clear absolute no second chances message that THIS IS NOT EVER going to be tolerated. You love him but are not his punch bag for frustration.

Could you consider talking to your son about your childhood?

Hmmmm, Toothbrush, maybe Haggis could talk to her son about her childhood at some point, but I'm not sure it would be a good idea to do it yet... She needs to disentangle it in her own head first I think, and be clear about her own feelings, and maybe let some difficult emotions play out/resolve. For example, it is very common for people who have been abused to feel guilty, at least at first... But if Haggis conveyed any sense of guilt to her son, it might leave him with the impression that his violence was her fault, which would not be good.

I have struggled with my own teenage son thinking that I got him arrested rather than his own violence got him arrested... I think teens are often inclined to blame their parents for everything anyway and their egos are often the size of planets - and I have definitely felt that I needed to be strong and clear in my own head about things to counter that.

Totally agree flow! Now would be bad for Haggis and also son would dismiss it in favour of examining his own issues.

We love our teens but even on a good day they have egos as you say...the size of planets often mixed with insecurity etc

It's like a bomob recipe

Haggis - read your post with lump in my throat. Can't add anything useful to what the other two have said. Maybe counselling would be useful for you at some point- but you have to pick the right time for you. Can't work these emoticons, but here's a virtual hug.

Hi everyone.

Well we kept the appointment - and I wish I never. We got a WPC in her early twenties. She took me in first and after I told her what happened she told me that the community police are NOT there to parent troublesome teenagers, but she would take a report of the "incident" and a copy of that would be sent to SOCIAL SERVICES due to him being charged.........and his school would be informed.

There is NO WAY I wanted any of that - I can say hand on heart that this wpc kept asking me why I didnt want this incident of assault made into an offical complaint - OMFG SERIOUSLY???

I told her I wanted my son to be spoken to - to be given some stern guidance and made aware of the consequences if there was ever to be a reoccurrence - she said that she could only repeat what she said initally that they are not there to parent troublesome kids. She asked me why I hadnt done any of that - I said I HAD but I felt that a talk from a police officer would have much more of an effect.

I was made to feel like an idiot because I didnt want to press charges against my son - THAT WAS NEVER AN OPTION. I told her I was leaving - she knew I was livid. She said she would speak to my son and tell him that his behaviour is appalling but to be honest by that point I had absolutely no confidence in anything that was coming out of her mouth.

The ONLY good thing that came out of this is my son was sitting outside the room absolutely crapping himself - I was in the room for a good half hour - by the time I left the room the tears were tripping him and he was so scared. When I told him we were leaving he threw his arms around me with pure relief - he was shaking and I am glad he was in that state.

I am so disappointed by this - but a huge positive for me is that my problems led me to this website and to you amazing people who have taken the time to post up to me advice and words of comfort. Its all honestly helped me so much.

Haggis - hi. So sorry this happened - this was not the way to go for the Police. Opting out, making some daft (and fairly obvious) statement about not parenting troublesome teenagers. OK but what DO they do, other than 'report' and 'refer'.

I think I'd have done what you did - take my boy home. How have things been since then? The start of something? I hope you get REAL help and support elsewhere. And that for your son those moments of sitting wondering what the hell was going to happen mark a turning point.

Oh Haggis, how frustrating. I'm sorry you struck unlucky with the police and had this experience :(

When I refused to have my son home immediately after his arrest, I had one silly young female copper tell me on the phone it was time for me to take parental responsibility... I was so angry I hung up, and so upset I wept for a couple of hours. I felt so judged. Later, it turned out she had also been stupid enough to say something similar to, or in front of, my son - which had an undermining effect. I made a complaint a few days later, because I felt so strongly that it was unhelpful and unprofessional of her to undermine someone struggling to 'parent' a challenging teen, especially in my situation when I had recently been assaulted and had my house trashed by him. The sergeant who dealt with my complaint agreed, and also had the sense to see that parents don't involve the police as a first resort, but out of near-desperation. I hope the young woman concerned learned something.

I reckon I have now had contact with about 8-9 police officers because of my son. Two were fools, like your one; the others have been fine and a couple have been great. Don't rule out contacting them again if you need to. Your son needs to know you WILL call the police if he ever hurts or frightens you again. And you DO need to do it, if it happens.

It sounds like he has been shocked by all this. I hope he has been shocked enough. I hope it never happens again. :)

The other thing I thought of is anger management... Your son may benefit from help with this... Your GP may be able to refer him...

Good luck :)