Should I say sorry ?

[Jabbie2]

. . . . I think possibly I should but I don't know.

Last night , daughter and friend(both 13) got themselves into a situation where they scared the life out of me and something could have really happened to them.When I eventually saw them I was so angry I gave them both, both barrels of said anger which included swearing I am slightly ashamed to say.They were both, we all feel, close to possibly being assaulted or worse because of the danger they put themselves in.The friend has seen me angry before(my daughter has a tendency to make me angry by not doing as I ask) but I haven't until now included this girl in my rantings.Daughter thinks I am out of order, I embarrassed her, I shouldn't have said anything etc but I feel justified in what I said just in not how I said it IFYSWIM? Should I say I am sorry to this girl ?

Bit of back history, this girl always seems to be there when daughter gets in trouble with me for not coming home on time, answering her phone, not being where she says she will be etc.I know my daughter has her own mind , boy, does she have her own mind but by the same token I feel this girl is encouraging her to stay out later etc, not answer her phone and has even pretended to be my daughter when I was texting her on her friends phone when my daughters had run out.Of course I only have my daughters word on this I know.

I was really angry, really, uncool angry.

Just wanted to add, my daughter has known her a while but they have only really become best friends in the last couple of months.I'll be honest I am wary of this girl there is something about her I can't really put my finger on.She has this way of looking at me sideways in this really sly(I know it's a horrible word but it's the only one I can think of) way.I call it being sideeyed by (insert girl's name) I feel incredibly stressed generally at the moment over daughter, she has recently been put on punctuality report (guess who was with her?) and I am getting HEAPS more attitude then I was getting before.I read this board a lot and where others suggest, talk to her when she is more amenable etc, there is no time, she is either asleep or barking orders at me.I pull her up over the way she speaks to me all the time, we have a miserable relationship at the moment.

Okay in you situation I would apologise to my DD and then ground her, and probably take her phone etc. away for a day or two. Then when you get some time where she is calmer gradually talk to her.

Thanks, she has been grounded.

I have written her a letter, I think it just says better how I felt, how I feel.I know she is too young to sympathise or empathise but as I said to her, I am a lot older, uglier and wiser(hopefully) so I can see more of what could have happened and thankfully she is safe.Another thing that really gets me is the expectation from this girl that I will give her a lift back.I drive, I seem to be the main one out of daughters friends who does.What responsible mum would say o.k, bye! and let a girl of 13 walk home in the dark? Obviously I wouldn't or couldn't so I end up taking her home, it is a regular thing, fuel consumption is a major stress for me at the moment which daughter knows.I know 13 yr olds are probably incapable of thinking ahead and saying o.k by 7.30 it is starting to get dark I really need to start walking now . . . .

Surely it's this girl's parent's responsibility to come and pick her up or arrange for her to get home?
If my 16 year old goes out there is always an agreed plan for getting home or he doesn't go.
13 is quite young to be going out with a friend alone. It's hard to restrict freedom and privileges once they have got used to them.
Perhaps give them back a bit at a time after she has proved that she can be trusted.
Can you encourage other friendships?

I told both of my children, when they started going out and about without an adult that they had to keep in contact, I had to know where they were and roughly when they'd be home and if plans changed, they had to be in contact with me. I'd give them lifts back late night, but their phones had to be switched on.
I told them I loved them beyond reason, and that if they ever scared me or made me truly fearful for their safety, I would keep them safe.
I'd keep them so safe that Alcatraz would look like a holiday camp for feral children.
There were a couple of slip ups, and I implemented my promise, and then it's all been plain sailing since. I have been very lucky, and both of my children have reasonable friends who look out for each other, but I was very serious.
Trust is given freely, but if it is lost it isn't you that should be apologising for the fear that made you lose the plot.
Explaining why you reacted like that, fair enough.

I wouldn't be apologising - not for one minute. I'd be calling the girl's parents and telling them what had happened and while I was about it, I'd be telling them that I can no longer afford to be taking their DD home and that they need to either ensure she has a lift or take responsibility for her walking home.

I'd ground DD.

I'd make it as difficult as possible for her to spend anytime with this friend.

Thanks for those responses.ChippingInlovesEasterEggs, my husband thinks I should phone this girls mum also but I don't really want to as I would be saying a lot of this is down to her(the friend), all the lateness ,not being where she should etc and I don't want to be saying that to her.I'm not a wimp but there are extenuating circumstances(I'm told) . This friend never wants to go home and now my daughter doesn't want to be here either.

A couple of times I have refused lifts but each time I allow her out again after a grounding something always seems to happen and it is never and I mean never , her fault which infuriates me.She used to be a girl who listened , not anymore.She is only 13 and I am terrified of losing her , this girl seems very interested in boys and I often see her chatting to boys(older boys) on corners and she loves nothing better than hanging out with older boys from another school.

What Chipping said.

I was put in a similar situation when my dd was about the same age. They still talk about the extent to which I blew my top. After I'd cooled down I went back to the girls for The Talk which I did by asking them questions and actually making them answer them.where were you? so you don't know the address. What would have happened if something went wrong and you'd needed to be rescued? how would you have told me where to get you? how could you call the police? how long do you think it would have been before I could pick you up? what money did you have with you, exactly? etc etc. Key was making them actually answer the questions. End result was a grovelling apology from them including a bunch of flowers and a more sensible approach in the future.

Sigh. If only more of my parenting moments had been so successful...

'Sigh. If only more of my parenting moments had been so successful'

[bugrin] Oh yes, who can't empathise with that one?

Jabbie - it's hard to say much more without knowing exactly what happened (and don't feel any pressure to post more details!), but if the shoe were on the other foot - wouldn't you feel it was your right to know?

Lots of teenagers don't want to be at home - don't take it personally.

If you manage to put some distance between this girl and your DD, you may get more of your 'old' DD back, however, it has to be said - she's a teenager so you wont be able to keep them apart all the time and your DD might have been like this anyway (now) without this girl.

I would, while she is grounded - take her phone and laptop etc off of her as well - or it's not much of a grouding is it. Then, when the grounding is over, I would make her leave all of those things downstairs at night (take them to your room if you don't trust her not to get up in the night).

She's 13 - still young enough for you to be able to have a lot of control over her, make the most of this next year.

Don't worry too much about losing her - whatever you do, don't go soft on her thinking that will help. You need to be firm & strong. No matter how much they outwardly kick against it, they need to know you are in control and are the 'parent' (ie will keep them safe, love them no matter what etc).

Hi, they went over a school playing field to sit in the sand pit, long jump and before they knew it, it was beginning to get dark and this hooded man came and they were absolutely petrified and ran but where they thought they could get out , they couldn't and ended up phoning me hysterical.He luckily went(I think I may have seen him) but it could have been worse, they were totally isolated , a great big field with no-one to help them really, so yeah, it has turned me almost totally grey.Don't know what his intentions were, maybe taking a shortcut, maybe innocent, maybe not but I think it is a place where drugs are shared etc .

That could have been my DS you know, he often goes for a walk of a evening through the local parks and there's a short cut through his old school that he uses because it leads into the nature reserve.

A bit of a scare like that might mean she's more open to listening and being sensible. How much of a sheep is she?

I wouldn't have said she was but she maintains she is in the popular clique and since she has been in it I have seen her change radically.

I think she was really scared and upset once she saw how much I was shaking.We have talked today.She is my eldest and I am a real homebody, I shut my door to the world and I am not really aware of what might be going on even just around the corner.I think it is a favoured place for kids getting and doing drugs , well, where I was waiting for them.

Im the forst to say Im struggling with my own ds2 at the moment .

But I spend a lot of time with teens and their parents and can give you some pointers that might help......at 13 there needs to be clear rules,if she is disrespectful to you there will be repercussions pocket money/nice goodies/days out,you also need to let her see you are the Mum your not her friend,friends she can choose her mum is you,there must be something coming up over the next few weeks that means you and her can spend a bit of time doing together even if its only stripping her bedroom,use that time to talk about 'stuff' thats impacting her life,who her friends are what she likes to do etc etc -let her see how it is to be 'friends'.

If you dont really like her being with this friend make it clear,speak to the girls mum and explain whats happened .

Shes had a scarey experience in the park that wasnt actually her fault,the hooded man may have been taking a short cut or he may have been weirdy- she needs a good coping strategy for what to do in the future.

At 13 I see girls who have been raped,get drunk every weekend,smoke regular cigs and weed and have pregnancy scares ....so things could be worse.

Let her 'choose' if you have to pick her up in the evening then theres no fuel to drive her to her friends on Saturday if your driving her home she needs to be home at a reasonable time so as to not impact too much on your evening,if shes walking home then she could have a little longer but she must text you.....let her think shes making rules but really its you.

you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink trust me ive tried everything and still ds2 runs rings around me.

Thank you for that.I realise that some girls her age are doing more which is scary.I have been thinking about coping strategies today.I am just not really prepared for this it all seems to have accelerated so fast.Children round here are getting mugged, I don't want her walking anywhere if I'm honest but she doesn't live near her friends, that's why I pick her up but I'd rather she was back here and then I wouldn't have the dilema of what to do about her friend who thinks nothing of taking shortcuts and going down alleys.I can't have that on my conscience.

I do know it wasn't really her fault I have a lot to think about .I seem to be the strictest of all her friends mums I can't believe they think it's fine to be walking home in the dark.

Very good advice on this thread and goodness knows I've had my moments with ds1 and now ds2.

For what's it's worth I would apologise for losing my temper and swearing ,it's what I would want my dses to do if they lost temper with me.I think you need to have a discussion about just why you were so angry and how people do go over the top when fear takes over.She needs to understand that you were angry not just because they broke an arbitrary rule but because you were scared for her safety .She then needs to take her punishment whatever that may be.

I also think,and this is meant kindly,that you need to calm down ,you do sound a little hysterical .It doesn't sound as if anything she has done so far is too bad on the overall scale of things and at 13 you have a long way to go,at this rate you will drive yourself into an early grave.

You need to be careful not to back her into a corner or give her too many rules to rebel against.Decide on the key things and make them non negotiable but a bit of flexibility on a few other things will give her some leeway .If she is always in the wrong then it can become a self fulfilling prophesy.It's a bit like having a toddler praise the good and try to pick your battles.

I do take your point I am not offended, I did get very, very upset.I think it was feeling so powerless, I need coping strategies too, I realise that now.This isn't the 1st time I haven't been able to contact her or find out where she is, I got scared and blowing my top was a release I guess but yes, I didn't handle it very well, I know that.I have apologised.I think for me I feel she is showing me a lack of respect by not coming in on time or being contactable, it makes me not want to let her out.There's a big trust issue here.I do have a lot to think about.

There's a very good book recommended often on here it's called something like "get out of my life nut fist take me and alex into town" it's well worth a read

Sorry "but first take me..."stupid phone

"Get out of my life nut fist"! Love it... :o I only wish teenage name-calling was really as funny!

Seriously, jabbie, it is terrifying when they start to move around independently in the world and you find you can't rescue them from everything any more.

The thing is, they are in lots of situations they've never been in before, and so are you. It is sometimes possible for them to get into bad situations, including dangerous ones, because of inexperience not mis-behaviour.

Unless you'd specifically banned her from being where she was, it doesn't sound like your daughter was actually doing anything wrong. If you look at it another way, you could even say she handled a new, difficult situation quite well: She was in a place specifically designed for kids, with a friend, doing something healthy and fun; something unexpected came along and she made a judgement that she was not safe any more, and tried to make herself safe immediately (by running away); when she couldn't, she called you for help. Her assessment of risks might have been a bit weak, but her actions once she recognised danger were sound. :)

I am not for a moment saying you were wrong to lose it - I would almost certainly have reacted in the same way - it's only human to roar and scream when you are frightened for your baby! You can apologise for the swearing and shouting, if you like, but you don't need to apologise for the instinct.

In these situations, if they get scared, or you get scared and lose it with them as a result, then it's a learning experience for you both. Personally, I wouldn't see this as a time for punishment... If she was late back - well, now she knows why you set times/want her in by dark. If you think she shouldn't have been there at all - well, now she'll understand why you think it's a dangerous place. Often, teens just don't understand our perceptions of risk/danger at all... Now you can talk to her about assessing risks in future, and it will be real and meaningful for her - not just you.

Thank you flow4, she has been over there lots of times, with friends, more friends and of both sexes but always during the day.I think it was because it was so dark, of course there was no lighting over there and I just keep replaying where could she/they have run too, not someones house etc as they were in a field.