Overwhelmed by trying to to manage my teen (and her father)

[berlingo]

Our 14 year old daughter has spent the last year breaking almost every rule in the book arguing, drinking, smoking, swearing going AWOL and the latest sending indecent photos of herself to boys which got posted on the web some months late. So its been very disruptive to our family life and there have been countless arguements. In addition to this she has been diagnosed with a chronic joint disease which means she is in constant pain and frequently dislocates her joints.
Up until now my husband and I have been fairly united about our parenting and our eldest daughter seems to have turned out well. Most of the day to day parenting responsibilty has been down to me but my husband has done as much as he can. However he now says he wants to wash his hands of our youngest, says she is a born lyer who fakes her health problems and I have had to beg him not to leave.
I feel in an impossible position trying to manage both my daughter and husband. Is this a common situation and any advice would be very welcome. many thanks

I think you need to sit your daughter down and calmly tell her what is what. She is old enough to understand what she is doing to the family with regards to her siblings, and her parents. She needs to be told that she is not only destroying her life with her behaviour, but is also destroying her relationship with her father, her mother and siblings. She needs to be told that she is also contributing to a possible break up of a marriage (she is causing stress between you and your OH). Teenagers are by nature very selfish and self centred, but they can handle some home truths.

I recently had to tell my sons (aged 12,14,16&18) some home truths about their behaviour (fighting amongst themselves mainly) and how it was affecting me. I basically said that I often felt like walking out of the front door and never coming back because they can make my life a misery. (I am unfortunately find myself a single mum through no fault of my own.) It was the first time that they ever took my feeling into consideration and things have improved. I also told them that I would never walk out on them (like their father did) because I love them.

Tell her the truth about your feelings about her behaviour.

It sounds like a very stressful situation for you, berlingo. It's horrible when two people you love are at loggerheads :(

Your husband may be voicing terrible frustration, rather than a real intention to leave. mumof4 says she has felt the desire to run, and so have I, recently, very powerfully. I think it's 'flight or fight', basically: when you don't want to fight your teen, or you've run out of the energy or inclination to be battling all the time, but you are still filled with adrenaline, your instincts tell you to get away. Can you tell him (or have you already?) that you really understand his urge to leave (maybe you share it), and you are very glad he's sticking around and sharing responsibility with you. Some teenagers are such powerful characters they're hard to handle alone. You need your husband to be an adult here, not act like another teenager.

Do you have any external help OP? From school or any other agencies?

Thank you all for your constructive comments. I had not really understood where my husbands need to escape might come from and I will try to be more empathetic. I suppose I had selfishly only thought in terms of where that would leave me.I will also have another chat with my teen about the impact of her behaviour. Her school are aware of some of the issues but I feel they have become fed up of her and me! I am planning to take her to our Gp to ask if there may be any help but I am not really sure what I should be asking for and indeed whether there will be anything available. I would normally seek support from my family but they already disapprove of my daughter and do not want them to think less of her by telling them what has been going on!

Oh berlingo, I recognise that - avoiding asking for help, although you need it, to protect your child's 'reputation'. :( Disapproval isn't helpful at all, is it? I definitely find myself talking most to friends who like and care about my son, and not telling much to those who disapprove.

I don't think it's 'selfish' to think about where it would leave you if your husband left you - it's pragmatic, and a real worry. The sense of panic and powerlessness that you feel when you think about him going, is possibly quite similar to the panic and powerlessness he feels when he thinks about staying, if he can't 'fix' things.

I wonder whether it would be a good idea to see the GP yourself, without your daughter at first, so you can talk openly and honestly about your concerns and how they are affecting you. You could ask about things like counselling or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for her, but also perhaps counselling for you - it does sound like it would help you to be able to talk things through :) I have had counselling before in similar situations, and found it helpful.