DS, 16, angry re internet

[RoseWei]

DS, 16 - doing very little GCSE revision - next to none. Tethered to his computer/x-box day in, day out. Try every trick in the book to get him off. Short of taking away internet connection as when I do, he because very, very moody and unpleasant.

This morning was hell. Other DS had a bad headache and wasn't prepared to get into the car for dental check up - dentist about an hour's drive away. He's done this before and dentist said we'd be charged next time so I was so keen he went - also, of course, for his health.

Lost it - really lost it - everything - the rudeness, the laziness, the total lack of help in the house - both DSs - got to me. I pulled the modem out and broke it - one DS in car to dentist (the headachy one stayed at home) and a silent journey. DH hardly said anything - and hadn't give me back up at home.

After appointments, I slipped into a shop to buy a router (stupid me - ) - expensive and, hey presto, have spent hours on phone to tech support as it barely functions. (Dealing with that - but will be a few days.) DS, 16, in such a strop with me. Muttering about how annoyed he is. How his passwords have been compromised - how this, how that. DH at work and the atmosphere is hell. Wanted to go away for a couple of nights but just read a post which sensibly said that actually teenagers need their mothers to be around (in spite of appearances.)

DS will not study, will not speak to me, is behaving like a tortured soul without easy access to a fast internet service (which will be OK come Tuesday).

On top of all this, I have mega problems which the kids don't know about, legal hassles to do with my mum's estate. Big problems, court hearing, all sorts - nasty stuff and all I want is some peace, love and friendliness at home.

Think DS is genuinely addicted to gaming - hardly lives in the real world and worried that this is causing him to see me, not as a human with emotions but as just another character in his games, only one to attack. Wants his own computer, says for studying, but he has use of my laptop (of course not fast enough for him) and access to the vg family computer.

Weary, sad, lonely - do I just ride this out? Everytime I take affirmative action, hell is unleashed. Thanks!

I would disconnect the Internet and put up with no crap.

You are the adult. Sure, you can't make him study but you also don't need to facilitate his gaming.

Take the x box too - trade an hour of it for 3 hours studying.

Personally, I wouldn't give him the internet back. He'll survive, you're the adult and its your house.

Confiscate the Xbox and do as the above poster says.

I've got two teenagers myself and I can't say I'd want to create a massive deal over something that can be negotiated.

I think I would start talking to your sons about how it's going to be, though - you trade internet and computer use for a better attitude. But you have to do this calmly. If you feel yourself getting heated, walk away and say you'll finish the conversation later.

I would also confide in your sons a little about your other worries. If they know what's going on with you, they may be more perceptive about why you need a bit more support and a happier house. They could be retreating from you because they feel that's easiest, as many teenagers do find verbal self-expression really difficult.

Feel for you. Good luck.

Why don't they know about the other shit you're going through? They're old enough - sit them down and tell them. It might get a bit of empathy going - you never know.

I spent a lot of my older DCs' teenage years feeling weary, sad and lonely - I do sympathise. And oldest DC did appallingly at his GCSEs - had to retake most of them, and then again with A Levels. His revision consisted of playing Football Manager. He got a First and is currently doing an MA - so keep reminding yourself this won't last; this isn't what they're actually like. What mine needed was maturity, it turned out - nothing I did changed anything; what it took was just the passage of years.

But actually - at the moment, without internet, you do have a bit of control. He can mutter as much as he likes, he can be as angry as he wants to - it changes nothing. Do a lot of shrugging and a lot of counting to ten. You have to find a way to disengage a bit.

I understand exactly how u feel.
I know what the answers should be but I get it is hard to instill them to your dc.
I have 3 ds and they all love the Xbox ESP my 15 year old....he only comes out of his room to get food and drink!!! He doesn't contribute to anything in this house at all, he is lazy but he is academic and is on target to get all B's when he does his GCSE's...he also has a good group of mates but he never sees them out of school.......
I sometimes feel I'm failing him but I work bloody hard all week (I run a preschool), single parent for 9 years, 2 other ds etc etc.
Occasionally I go mad, put limits on Xbox, made him eat downstairs with us, give him chores etc etc but I end up sooooo stressed constant headaches, chest pains etc that it doesn't last long
I feel your pain!

Been there - know exactly what you mean. I would be very tempted to say on Tuesday, that it still couldn't be sorted out, and it will be another week. I think a white lie is fine in the circs!
You never know he might find something else to do. My DS used to get so het up with the violent games that he would throw the controller against the wall and sometimes it would break - oh dear - he had to save up for a new one, or if he had money, oh dear, the shop had none in till the following week. or simply we would put the thing in the loft for a week, with no screens at all allowed. Yes lots of strops and swearing, but after a week, he was a different boy.
I did worry that he was addicted, and he is a little obsessive - luckily he is now obsessed with other things - my problem is that he refuses to come home at night and is obsessed with his "freedom" - but I am glad the PS3 obsession has waned - at least for now. So yes take control of the xbox and internet - ride the storm and see the difference. good luck.

Why bother to reconnect the internet? Make him study! No nonsense! This is the last chance saloon as far as GCSE's are concerned. They sound a bit above themselves tbh. You need a break and Dad needs to back you up and give 100% support.

i would be totally over the top cheery and refuse the whole lot of them the internet.

cancel it, and let dh/ds sort it, and pay for it.

and go away...for two nights minimum without a word to the lot of them.

You do know they are treating you like a shitty maid??

Tell DH to back you up and don't reinstall the internet. He finally did what he was told when you lost it - don't back down now.

And yes - find a way to get away for a few days and tell your DH he'll have to cope.

You have my deepest sympathy and empathy :(

Thanks all of you for your speedy support and encouragement.

Going to putting a whole lot of the advice given into practice - it makes such sound sense. I've long thought of curtailing the internet usage by 'swapping' it for time spent studying - really studying - and also doing stuff outside the house (another big problem - DS virtually housebound through attachment to computer/x-box). Good to have support in this ...

Unfortunately, the new modem does work (though being swapped with a more suitable one next Tuesday) so DS back to his old ways now. But I've told him 10 more minutes, then come down, talk revision seriously, watch Question Time with me (if he wants) and go to bed ready for a purposeful day tomorrow.

When the modem thing flared up, spoke to our ISP who told me that our monthly usage is 90 gigabytes a month, making us really heavy users. Afraid this is largely DS - other DSs at Uni. Now also determined to reduce our bills by getting a lighter package. Was shocked to hear this - but not surprised.

And, yes, will mention upcoming court hearing to DSs - not a lot of detail but they need to see me as human ..

Thanks again all of you

Well done. I would not be allowing the internet at all at this crucial time except as a reward for revision done - and done properly (so he should be able to tell you all about what he has revised).

My daughter (16, Year 11) is up by 9am and revising until around 5pm every day this holidays. In return, she gets facebook in the evenings (the girly equivalent of xbox, I'm guessing!). We've offered her a decent phone at the end of it all if she continues to put in a good effort.

But no revision, no rewards. I would ignore any strops and sulking and be firm in your implementation. Good luck!

I agree that you shouldn't put up with your DS 's attitudes. Sit down and talk to them. I have 3 DDs now all in their 20s. They all had different attitudes to revising. I found with DD2 the more we nagged the less she did. So we just left the ball in her court. She didn't do as well as she thought she would in her GCSEs. But worked harder at college left with 2 As and a C at A level. She is now in her final year at uni and is heading for a 2:1 degree. So I would say back off a bit and don't despair. Oh and all my DDs used the Internet for revising. So sometimes it's useful.

He is addicted to gaming, it can turn boys into something quite ugly. Been there with my own son. Deal with it now before he gets much older, you will regret it if you don't.