Please can anyone help about my dd age 10? I was going to post in pre-teens but there is not a lot of traffic there and I figured everyone on here has had a pre-teen at one point 
The history is that my children were physically and emotionally abused by their father, who looked after them whilst I was at work, and when I found out about this we ended up moving away out of the area to get away from ex, so new house, school etc, and I do realise this was a big upheaval. Where we live now though we are near family and it is a place teh children knew well already through family. There is ongoing stress with ex (police, ss etc and he is now taking me to court to get access to children) and this has had a horrendous effect on both children. Both are having counselling and dd the elder one has had particular problems, has self-harmed, run away, threatened suicide etc and is seeing a psychologist and has now been referred on to another team due to her needs.
There are problems at home due to teh children's aggressive behaviour to each other and to me. Dd is the worst and is very violent to her younger brother. I feel desperately sorry for him as from his point of view the abuse is continuing just with a different perpetrator. Some of the stuff she does to him is far worse than what his father ever did. From dd's point of view I can see how she equates violence with power and how this makes her feel she has some control (maybe) and how this also acts as an outlet for her emotions. But the violence is still continuing over a year since we left and seems to be getting worse not better. She has now been cruel to her beloved pets and has also kicked an elderly relative who asked her to change out of her PE kit.
I do not know how to deal with this as nothing I do has any effect. I usually give her time out on the stairs or take away time watching TV/computer/ds or time playing out or doing activities. She hates it at the time but it is no deterrent. Psychologist and doctor are no help, they just say be patient and loving etc. I try very hard to do this but sometimes it is too much and I admit I do get angry with her (never hit or intimidate though). She has no respect and will just laugh or roll her eyes or mimic me.
I tell both children how much I love them very very regularly (several times a day) and hug them lots too. I spend one to one time with dd after ds is in bed but this often ends badly as she will start doing something like poking the cat or blowing in my face or twisting my nose or licking me until I tell her off and then she will stomp off and I get all the "You don't love me" stuff. If I ignore her she will just escalate it until she ends up physically hurting me or the cat.
She does not wash or brush her teeth or take care of her hair and is not very clean toilet-wise but doesn't care.
I have huge huge amounts of sympathy and understanding for her and I am so sad about what happened to her. She is not happy and is often "unwell" and is physically sick I think due to emotions and worrying/mulling over stuff. She is scared to go to sleep because of nightmares about him. I try and try to show her I love her and care about her. I listen to her and praise her whenever I can but she just thinks I don't care about her and that I prefer her brother to her.
However it all this is very difficult to live with on a daily basis and I don't know what to do. Can anyone help me?