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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Staying out all nite

18 replies

willowmoon · 04/04/2012 13:06

My DS (15 at the end of April) has requested to stay out all nite with a group of friends girls and boys. They want to go camping. They don't know where. I know they will be drinking. My DS doesn't smoke so I trust him with that. I don't know what to say to him. Is it ok for him to stay out all nite at this age? I know the kids involved and his GF is one of them, (she also 14) and I think they are good kids. What should I say? Yes or no?

OP posts:
LesAnimaux · 04/04/2012 13:10

Well, you can't say yes or no until you know where they will be.

webwiz · 04/04/2012 13:20

I think smoking would be the least of my worries! I would say no without hesitation.

3boys1cat · 04/04/2012 13:27

It's a no from me too!

webwiz · 04/04/2012 13:30

I feel we should all have buzzers like in "Britain's got talent" Smile

uruculager · 04/04/2012 13:47

Not in a million years.

noddyholder · 04/04/2012 13:50

I have always been quite flexible on this sort of thing. Ds is 17 now but has camped at that age in a mixed group several times always with us knowing where and who etc etc. At 16 he also went to a festival. Nothing untoward has ever occurred and I am glad we trusted him. Now that he is a bit older I find the whole out all night/festivals/holidays etc quite easy and I think its becasue we did it gradually. They will probably smoke drink cider and stay up all night talking nonsense! What are his friends like?

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 04/04/2012 14:00

I couldn't say yes, I just couldn't - not if I suspected they were going drink/smoke/get handsy. If I agreed I'd essentially be giving them approval to do it, and frankly they can wait until they don't need my approval to do that! It's not even a matter of trust, I trust my DS1 (14) as an individual, but group settings and peer pressure/expectations are a different matter.

noddyholder · 04/04/2012 14:09

Trusting has worked for us. I never thought it would and I was always waiting for him to come in slaughtered and sick etc etc but it never happened.

mumeeee · 04/04/2012 17:38

I would say no.

SecretSquirrels · 04/04/2012 18:13

At 15 I would say yes, if in someone's garden and parents home, but no to wild unsupervised camping.
DS1 and friends have done many camping sleepovers but always in someone's garden.

gettingsorted · 04/04/2012 18:45

It's a dilemma - I would talk to the other parents - sometimes it turns out that someone's dad is taking them and picking them up or something reassuring, which he hasn't mentioned. It could also be that all the other parents are unsure and feeling under pressure - in which case you could all decide on how to proceed.
My experience is one night last summer I couldn't find out where DS (15) was and through a series of phone calls found that he was free camping with a group - hadn't told me because he knew I would say no - so bear that in mind as well!

webwiz · 04/04/2012 20:18

DD2 did the camping in someone's garden with a mixed group when she was in the sixth form and one of the girls was went a bit wild with the alcohol and ended up being very ill all over the patio. That put a bit of a dampener on the evening.

flow4 · 05/04/2012 00:35

I think it depends a lot on where you live. In our area (semi-rural, lots of fields and open spaces near to villages) it is absolutely standard for kids, esp boys, to camp out without adults from age 13/14. My eldest did it, my youngest
.
(now 12) is already impatient to start.

  • I'd always insist on knowing where.
  • At first, I'd also insist it was within walking distance of your house (or another parent who'd be happy to have them if nec...)
  • I'd make sure you know names and mobile numbers of several other kids who are going too.
  • I'd speak to other parents if poss (tho I realise that's harder with a 15yo than a 13yo, where it's essential)
  • I'd consider 'spot checks' - Warn them you'll pop up to see they're ok... Parents here sometimes bring late-night pizzas, which I think is a brilliant tactic to keep an eye and yet still be more-or-less welcome!
  • If you are esp anxious (i was at first), arrange a late-night phone call, and make it clear you'll turn up, call all his friends and/or take other emergency action if he doesn't answer.
  • Tell him he can come home any time of night if he changes his mind... When they were younger, I said his friends could come too... They did, a couple of times, after being hassled by other kids in the middle of the night (they had all their tent pegs stolen once)... And my son came home several times because he was too cold!

I think it also helps if they are already used to camping with you... My kids have done a fair bit, so are quite confident campers... If yours aren't, you might want to check they're going with others who at least know how to put up a tent!

Original poster
willowmoon · 05/04/2012 08:15

Thanks for all your wonderful advice :) I have initially said 'no' to him and I've laid down some guidelines according to your advice. We go camping a lot as a family so he is used to putting up a tent and everything that goes with it. With the turn in the weather I guess he will be too cold atm anyway. He actually took it quite well and I get the feeling that some of the other parents have said no too because he said it wasn't going ahead anyway. I will wait a bit longer before I allow him out all nite and am going to make sure I know where they are and the advice about taking pizzas up to them is a really good idea :) thank u flow4. We are out in the country here with fields all around so its possible they could find somewhere not too far away that he could come home if he wanted too. Maybe we could approach the subject again in the summer hols... Thank u again, its really good to know what other people are doing xx

OP posts:
SecretSquirrels · 05/04/2012 16:11

OP you have learned one lesson here. Teenage boys often hatch plans that never come to fruition. There have been several occasions when DS1 has asked whether he can do something/go somewhere and I have questioned him and agonised over whether to allow it , only to find it never actually happens.

This is partly because they all start off telling their parents that "everyone else is allowed" and then one by one the parents say No so they have to call it off. Also I find that unless girls are involved in the organizing, the boys just leave it all to each other and nothing gets done.

noddyholder · 05/04/2012 16:13

Yes the anguishing over the non existent event occurs a fair bit at this age!

webwiz · 05/04/2012 17:43

So true SecretSquirrels DS(15) is only out this afternoon because girls were involved in the planning!

gettingsorted · 05/04/2012 20:08

exactly!! I consulted widely with friends last year about whether to allow ds 15 to go to a festival - in the end, decided not to go!!!

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