12 yo DD becoming like her 17 yo problem sister

[teapot5]

I am really losing it. DD (17) has lots of problems (MH/substance abuse etc) and all my time and energy completely exhausted losing sleep and sanity. A&E, SS etc involved with DD no.1 and lot of tears etc etc.. so in a way no wonder she is acting like this, now DD no. 2 (12) started really playing up. Only up to two weeks ago she was an angel. But now challenging every single word I say. She is constantly using FB, checks her mobiles. I feel like such a crap mum. I should keep my cool, but she is driving me mad! Other mums, how do you keep everything under control and remain calm with other chid(ren) when/if you have a difficult DC?

I have 2 boys, and have/worry about similar issues. Last week at the height of stress with my eldest, my youngest was rude in a very normal pre-teen way, and I found myself nearly hysterical, saying to him "I just can't stand it, I can't stand it: if you're horrible like your brother I will just leave, go, I can't stand it". I did catch myself, though, and calmed down and apologised. It really isn't fair to my youngest if he isn't ever 'allowed' to play up and be a PITA because his bro is taking up all the emotional 'space'. Being a bit of a pain is a normal part of growing up, after all.

Later, I explained I thought I hadn't been fair, and why, and we talked about whether he would find it useful to have someone else to talk to about what's been going on with his bro who isn't me... He said he might, so I'm making enquiries about counselling for him...

I know this is very simplistic but try talking to her. It sounds like attention seeking. You are giving dd1, rightfully, so much of you time and attention in her pre teen mind she must feel that by behaving herself she is easy to look over.

Give her some guaranteed undevided attention for a little bit. And show her that she is just as important but she is growing up and must realise that sometimes adults can't be everywhere at once but it doesn't mean she is loved any less.

Good luck with both of your girls and remember you can't support them if you are broken so give yourself a break too.

Huge tension this morning. It was a pity as DD1 was actually quite nice to start with. But DD2 was pushing and pushing it affected DD1. So she was probably thinking 'for Fxxk sake!' and I thought it was leading to a melt down. DD1 has gone out and not coming back tonight. Not ideal and worrying but in a way a very very tense situation was diffused. DD2 calmed down after loads and loads of hurtful comments about me. I took a chance to talk to her. I said to her that it has been really difficult at home and DD1 has problems and we are finding it hard to help her, she is not getting away with everything but we need a new approach, we love them both etc. Also I said to her that it was good that she showed her frustration and anger because it is only natural after what she has been going through. Flow 4 - I also asked her if she wanted to talk to someone. Like your DS, my DD2 said she might.
Only4tonight - it's not simplistic to say 'try to talk to her' at all. It was a hard work until we found the calm moment, but we both needed it.

Alot of problems with older son caused younger one to become vey angry with the situation. He blamed us because we could not sort it out. In his eyes as a 16/17 year old he felt his parents should be able to sort everything out and return the household to normality. We couldn't. Although your DD is only 12, my son needed to be told that although the older one was our responsibility sometimes parents could not sort everything. DS2 wanted his older brother thrown out. He felt this was how to get rid of the 'problem'. I think he also felt he wasnot getting his share of attention and went out alot.

There is no easy answer to a household with a very problematic teeanger. It affects everyone. I think she is probably trying to get more attention but in the process is making it more difficult for you. Over feb half term younger son said unless we threw older one out he would go and stay with a friend over half term as he had had enough. DH had a talk with him about supporting his mother (me) through a difficult time and he stuck it out.

We have had a few sessions of family therapy and it has been very helpful. It has really showed how this situation affected each memeber of the family. IS it possible you can get access to any? How mature is your 12 year old? Could she understand how difficult the situation is for you if you sat her down for a chat?

I agree about there is no easy answer to a household with a very problematic teenager. It is hard for everyone and it seems so unfair for other children. I feel it's unfair ('why is this happening to us?'), so of course for DD2 it's EXTRA unfair. I feel responsible for what's happening but am trying not to dwell on it too much.

DD2 is quite mature and responds well to my explanation. Family therapy has been suggested but DD1 would not go (she went ballistic when mentioned). DD2 might want to at some point. Easymum, you seem to have a supportive husband and your DS2 (I imagine it must be hard for him though). Hard days, absolutely 'the end of the world days', ok-ish days, rare 'good' days... The tricky thing is for a household with a teenager like mine is that it's such a mixture of 'real' problems (Eastender-like problems) and 'normal' teenage issues.

I found it very difficult to tell the difference between ordinary teenage problems and what was caused by MH issues and drug use. For instance was his inability to get out of bed in the morning teeange laziness, depressio/anxiety or caused by some substance which had been taken? BTW although DH is supportive he works abroad and only gets home at weekends! So I am like a single mother most of the time. Thank god we seem to be on the way up now but I continue to be constantly vigilant of a backward move.

Also DS2 has had to grow up fast in the last couple of years because of stuation at home - not ideal.

I just noticed, Lazymum99 - that I wrote 'easymum'. Sorry. I'm not so together these days. Especially the school holidays! I can't imagine being on my own here with DDs. LM - you are amazing to deal with the situation on your own most of the time, esp, your DS must be taller and stronger than you. BTW I need to remind myself those mantras 'it will pass', 'everything changes'. It's a storm, a HUGE one though. Coming here makes me that I'm not alone and it's good to know that the situation gets better for some.