boundaries and freedom

[gettingsorted]

16 year old son, lots of freedom and trust till now. caught with loads of dope and nearly expelled. exams looming. tried to impose new boundaries - ie not staying out all night every weekend, and doing some revision. he's gone ballistic refusing to have his freedom curtailed, refusing to cooperate or negotiate. I was going to buy him a festival ticket as reward for cooperating and working for exams, but he calls this blackmail, so - no ticket, but no progress on firmer boundaries either. where do we go from here? so worried about his attitude and future. thanks

He needs to recognise that he has responsibility for his own future.
If he doesn't want to do school work, that is his choice, so how is he preparing to get a job when he leaves school at the end of the year?
How will he manage to find a flat to live in and money for his lifestyle?
Tell him straight that you have what you have because you worked for it. He is lucky that he is presently financed, housed, fed and clothed. But if he cannot be bothered, then nor can you. ( You know you'd not carry it through, but you must make him believe you would!)
A wake up call may be all he needs, but if he really does refuse to work at school you will need to consider what his employment opportunities are and how he sees his future panning out .

I talk to dd about contracts with 'life' - that we have to go to work to make money to have somewhere to live and her contract is to work hard at her schooling. That everyone in this house has a work contract.

I would have no hesitation in saying no pocket money, no electricity in her bedroom, no gadgets, no clothes washed, minimal food if she decided to not carry out her contract with life - and I would point out this is what her life would be like on benefits in a bedsit.

I would also say she is entitled to make that choice and I would have to choose whether to live with her if that were the case - he is a (young) adult so those are his life choices - no one gets a free ride in life.

I also balance that obviously with the carrot approach - your contract buys you the occasional concert ticket, pocket money, cinema trips etc

Glad to know I'm not the only one with this going on. I'm dreading the holidays as my 15yo ds really needs to get some work done, but i'm guessing he won't do more than the minimum. My dh and I in one of our frequent 'what can we do' chats agreed we could take on several four year olds with ease rather than one teenage boy. I sound pathetic and I feel pathetic.

I have two teenage sons - 17 & 16 - so I know where you're coming from. The problem is, I think, that it's not soo easy to put boundaries in place when it would seem that he's had a lot of freedom. Did you know who he was with when you allowed him to stay out all night? He will probably turn round and say, "I'm 16. You can't stop me." You need to decide what is negotiable and what's not. For me, the dope would be a non-goer, and I would make that clear.

How is he funding his lifestyle? If the carrot (festival tickets) doesn't work, then you'll have to either sit down as adults and work out a "contract" as the previous poster suggested, or else use the stick approach - not giving him any money or taking him places. Give him the choice.

What are his friends like? If they're dopeheads who're not really interested in passing exams, you've probably got a real fight ahead of you to get your son to study. Would changing school be a possiblity - fresh start etc.?

Do you pay for his phone? his computer?

I would first of all sit down and talk about responsibilities as the other posters have said. I would also then tell him that he can leave school if he wants, but he will have to pay rent. I did that to my 17 yo DS a few months ago, in a general chat, not in a het-up moment, but when he wasn't sure what to do with his life... He was completely shocked. He hadn't thought about that at all. I said he was not allowed to leave school without a job to go to, but if he did decide to do that, then he had to pay rent; even if he managed to get benefits (don't know if he could) he would still have to pay us.

How about saying how disappointed you are at how immature his attitude is?

What about suggesting he gets a part-time job? Perhaps if he really can see how much things cost (in terms of hours worked) that will make him mature a bit.

what about doing nothing for him? No washing, no lifts... If he can't cooperate with you, you can't cooperate with him.

What about saying how much he has disappointed you? I know that my teenage DC really hate that.

I do wish you luck.

I think about the changing school idea, but I just feel I'd be giving him a whole load of new problems and resentments. And kids smoke dope everywhere don't they? Sorry to sound so negative.

thanks for so much support and advice. it really is good to know I am not alone!

I think the contract with life is a good idea. He is already on a strict chores for pocket money deal, and has been starved of cash lately. he is trying hard to do the little chores, and has offered to make dinner tonight (a first), but the big issue of thinking he should have complete freedom to come and go as he pleases is not resolved.
I am reluctant to go into another battle with a threat to remove all support - washing, cooking, mobile etc - but I guess that's the only way- not a threat maybe but explaining what he gets for free at the moment.

Last day of term tomorrow so we have to deal with it now.
I think he has learned a little from the dope incident. One lad told him to look after it as being the oldest he wouldn't get in so much trouble!??! For an intelligent boy, my DS can be very naive. He does feel very let down by that so called friend. I think he will be very wary of dope now. But the "you can't impinge on my total freedom" attitude is so difficult to break through, as he is quite irrational about it. His friends have some freedom, but he seems to think he is the one who has to be there every night, even when his friends go home. I don't really understand where this is coming from. I'll feedback any progress!

PS he didn't cook the dinner - came home saying he felt unwell and went to his room, but is now well enough to have another rant at me, calling me an idiot, lots of f*ing insults, a hypocrit etc.
can't move it on at all. I have shown him what he draws from the family, and what we expect in return. He is happy to agree to more help around the house, 2 hours revision a day, but wants to retain his "right" to go out every night and stay out all night if he wants to.

Sorry to hear that gettingsorted. I genuinely think most teenagers have good intentions and honestly believe they will carry through their promises. But it often just doesnt translate.
My ds wandered in with a sunburnt nose without a care in the world this afternoon, despite the fact that I knew for a fact he'd spent an hour with the deputy head this morning being told how much he's pissing off all his teachers.