Grumpy DH always shouting at kids!

[notahotel]

I'd love some advice from anyone who has this problem. My DH is a wonderful husband - loving, kind, attentive, does ironing, cooking, shopping when asked, etc. He has lots of friends and everyone agrees he is lovely. When the kids were little, he was patience personified - he was calm, gentle and would play with them for ages.
However, now they are teenagers (DS 14, DD nearly 13) he is just so grumpy with them. We've had a lot of trouble with DS at school but DD is a star pupil, and yet he seems to rub them both up the wrong way - he is just SO critical. I have a good relationship with both my kids but they both shy away from him. I just feel so sad for all of them but I don't know how to deal with it. I am always trying to calm things down between them and reassure the kids that their dad really does love them. When I try to tackle it with him he just takes it as a personal attack. I don't want to ruin our relationship over it, and I know I'm not the perfect parent either - far from it! I just hate the tension in our house. We had a French boy to stay recently and the atmosphere was lovely - mainly because everyone made a big effort to be patient with each other.
Sorry this post is so long - advice, please!

Can you tell him you are worried about his relationship wth his children?

Thanks cybbo, I have tried saying this before. He just doesn't seem to see what's happening. If only he could hear how he speaks to them - sometimes he's almost spitting the words out and I just don't know why because he's such a gentle man towards me and everyone else.

It's a tricky one isnt it

its easy to get stuck in away of communicating and to feel perosnally attacked if someone gently points out there is another way

Does he spend fun time with them by himself

Effective communication
There are things you can do to make communication easier:

Take your cue from your teenager - there's absolutely no point saying you want to talk, when he's rushing to get ready for a night out.
Try to spend time alone with your teenager and go out somewhere if there aren't any opportunities at home.
Share information about what's going on in your life, but only for as long as your teen seems interested.
Use open questions that don't just need a yes or no response. For example, "How did the music lesson go?" rather than "Did you have a good day?"
Don't use a chat as an opportunity to nag or tell off.
Never put him down for his views or ideas; he needs your approval.
Treat your teenager with respect, much as you would another adult.
It's better to negotiate a solution than enforce your demands, so don't say, "I want your room cleaned up tonight," but "I'm getting really upset at the state of your room. When do you think you can tidy it up?"
Use all the opportunities you can to communicate - for example, driving somewhere often leads to great conversations.
Show you're genuinely interested when your teenager tells you things and stop what you're doing to listen.
Don't overreact or fly off the handle if you don't like what you hear.

Cut and pasted that before I added post

Could you say you think it would be a good idea for you both to try and impriove the way you talk to them? Say you are concerned about the family and think you could work on it together

Thanks for all your posts, cybbo. The tips for effective communication are great - I just need to figure out how to give them to DH without him taking it as criticism. As for him spending fun time with them - I do try to suggest it. DS had an INSET day on Monday, the weather was beautiful and DH stayed home. I suggested they went out and did something fun together but when I got home from work they'd been in separate rooms on laptops all day! GGRRR!

Just read your suggestion about working on it together, cybbo. I think that might work - thank you so much for all your advice.

Its not always about an organised 'going out' somewhere though, most teenagers I know are bed bound . Its about him picking them up or taking them somewhere and having a chat in the car, or bringing home a treat they would like (my D (16) is never more chatty than when H surprises us with a delivery pizza) But he's got to want to do it.

Could you big it up when he does talk to them in a nice way and point out the effects it has?

It sounds like he's forgotten how to talk positively to them

I think you're right - he's just stuck in a rut of snapping and snarling. I'll try noticing when he speaks positively to them.

My DH has acted in a similar way in the past, where the first thing he would say when he got home was always a criticism (house is a mess, kids are playing on XBox again, etc. etc.). He has eased up after I pointed it out to him and said that the kids were walking on eggshells when he got home, and I felt they were also sometimes actually dreading him getting back.

There is another side to this, though. I think teenage boys give their fathers a harder time that their mothers in many ways. Part of their growing up and deciding who they want to be means rejecting their dad. This is not easy for the father concerned; this was brought home to me when my DH told me that he was finding DS2 (nearly 14) very hard work at the moment, whereas I mostly find him a joy to be around!

When DS was 14 it felt like having two stags in the house locking antlers, vying for supremacy. DH was fantastic when they were small, but found DS growing up and having his own opinions very hard. He really missed being the person that DS turned to for advice. It's taken a few years, but they get on great again.

Thanks for those insights - I can see exactly what you mean about stags locking antlers, Brightspark! I'll try to be a bit less critical and more understanding of DH.

Don't know if this would help, but you say you wish he could hear how he talks to them. Can you set up a recorder and play it back to him once he's calmed down?

It's to do with Testosterone with your DS definately. DH will probably be feeling threatened (won't even know he's feeling that way). Men in general don't like it when kids start challenging them. Apparently.