Friendship issues 17 yr old ds

[knackeredknees]

Does anyone else's 17 yr old son have friendship issues? Mine always seems to be on the outside of a clique. He's been at the same school for the last 6 yrs (is now in yr12), and seems to go through phases of being popular, being phoned up and included in invites etc for a year or so, then it all dries up again.

He's tried everything; inviting people round in the early years, going to the cinema etc with them, but hasn't really kept any close friends. He'll have a close one for a year or two then they drift off. He's not intense, he's not weird or nerdy, he's tall, athletic, pretty good looking (I know I'm biased but he's mixed race and looks sort of Will Smith-ish), he's sporty, I just don't know why he finds it so hard.

Lately he says he's just going to give up making the effort, he says he'll go up to someone at lunchtime and they'll chat, then as soon as someone else joins the group he gets ignored. Yesterday he was sitting next to a girl in class who he's known for years, she was upset because she got a bad mark and he was sympathetic and listened to her fretting on about not getting into med school for ages, he tried to reassure her etc, the next time he saw her at lunchtime she was standing with some other people and told him to go away.

WTAF?

It's a v high achieving private school so everyone is pretty wealthy and he says a bit snobby (tho' we're in the same income bracket). He also feels they're a bit in a bubble and have no idea how other people have to cope with stuff like poverty, racism etc.

He's literally counting the days till he can finish school (in fifteen months) which makes me sad because that's also when he'll be going off to Uni.

Sorry it's so long and a bit rambly.

Forgot to say; he was best friends with a lad (H) for about 18 months until about a year ago when H just sort of drifted into another group. Still remained casual friends, talked etc, but it was H's birthday party at the weekend and he invited 30 people but excluded ds. He felt terrible as everyone was going on about the party infront of him all week. They just seem to have no tact whatsoever .

Luckily he does have a very close friend who lives nearby but goes to a different school, otherwise I honestly don't think he'd go out at weekends at all.

Is this one of those 'it's not him it's them' things. My DN had similar problems going to a high achieving RC school. DN is mixed race and has divorced parents. Quite simply she didnt fit in socially in the school. She was in a minority of one.

Given the courses your DS is on could he consider moving to a college for his final year of A2s? My experience of college was that the entry covered a far broader social spectrum and it was also an opportunity to start again. My DN also left her school and is now at a college and thriving.

It's a very sad world if he is being excluded due to racism at private school.

My own ds (now at uni) also never really had "best mates" but did have a reasonably close set of friends (a lot of them girls) eventually in the sixth form. He's not sporty and would never go out and just kick a ball around with mates. Sometimes many weekends would go by without an invite out anywhere. He's a lovely, quiet, not-in-your-face kind of lad, and maybe simply wasn't considered for parties etc. Most of the school holiday days were spent at home. However, I was always more worried about it than him. It sounds like your son is really fed up with the situation, and I don't blame him.

Ds is now at uni and has the best social life EVER! I bet your son will be the same.

Without him changing school it's tricky to know what to suggust. Does he belong to any extra curricular activities that might help out a bit? He might find the final year a bit easier. Perhaps he could suggest looking at a couple of unis with a few of them?

I don't think it's necessarily racism, tho' that is a minor part of it.

He has thought about changing to a sixth form college but the local one doesn't offer the subjects he's doing ( Maths, further Maths, Physics and Chemistry), but if it wasn't for that I think he'd love it, as other people who left his school at the end of yr 11 have said that they really like it.

He's just going to have to wait till Uni for his fresh start, I think. I do feel sorry for him, and it's so odd that he goes through phases sometimes where he does get invited to all the parties etc - seems to be such a fickle situ at this school.

A friend of mine whose ds is in a different part of the country had similar worries but he's now at Oxford doing Physics and having a fab time if his photos on FB are anything to go by

I really dont think there's anything to worry about, knackeredknees. I just think that this is one of the ways we learn, hard though it may be. If he were to change school the same thing would probably happen again, except that by changing schools you've already named it as a 'problem' and it will feel worse. I think he's learning about relating; what works and what doesnt. Kids soon pick up on desperation, or whatever he might be putting out. Probably if he's expecting to be left/ignored, then thats why its happening.
My daughter recently lost touch with most of her friends, all of who drifted away and she found she had very little in common with them anyway. She's now at university and having a whale of a time, after having felt very lonely and isolated. I think uni gives a chance to reinvent yourself.

Good to hear your dd is happier now Apricot